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[soprano]

Hi!

Well, I'm closing in on the end of my first semester.  I did ok (3 A's - but I'm not sure about my fourth class) but took on way too much.  I was a GTA for 20 hours doing primarily grading and administrative work, was a research assistant for 20 hours, and took 4 classes.  I also moved across the country so I didn't have lots of support and had to deal with an unexpected family crisis - long distance -  near the end of the semester.

I pretty much found that I sucked at being a GTA (I've never been particularly good at administrative work - I get turned around easily so it always takes me much longer to do it than a regular person) and don't have the personality to deal with 50+ students over the course of a semester.  I am much better at dealing with people one on one. I came in wanting to be a college professor, but after observing it close up I realized that I really don't want to do that at all, although I did like helping students with their problems.  I don't have the natural skill for it and really only wanted to pursue it because I wanted to be able to teach others while I practiced my art.  But professors don't have free time :) - plus I'm thinking that this was a poor reason.

Currently I am in an MA/MFA program that doesn't really offer a lot of art/film courses (it is political - things were fine last year when I applied, but there was a departmental falling out and now opportunities don't really exist anymore - long story).  This unexpected development would have been ok if I were still trying to go after the professorship, but now that I'm considering going in a different direction - this has a huge impact on me.  I will be 40 in a few years and don't want to spend a lot of time pursuing a PhD only to find that it consumes some very critical years of my life for something that is not my passion.   I've also discovered that I had a frightful lack of personal discipline, which I was able to work around in my professional life, but that is really hampering me.  And, to top it off, I learned, that my skills are not sharp.  But I'm not so worried about this last part - I've been out of school for a while and feel confident that I will become sharper in time - but the discipline part concerns me.

So ... my question is ... has anyone else experienced this disillusionment - not so much about academia - but about themselves and their abilities so early in the process?  Is this a normal thing? And is it possible that I'm drawing conclusions a bit too soon?  Also, my advisor is pretty powerful in the department (and university).  He asked me to do the two jobs (which turned out to be 40 hours a week) - I could have said no but was taken aback that he would even ask.  I keep getting questions too from other people in the department - they ask me how things are going between the two of us.  I always say things are going well and give a glowing report.  I haven't said anything to anyone with the exception that I'm very busy and that I got off to a slow start.  But nothing negative about him at all.  He really is a neat person to observe and I've learned from him.  But, in reality, I am experiencing some problems.  I'm not naive enough to think that people don't have elements of self-interest, but he shows very little interest in me; if I ask him directly for something he'll help (which is great), but there has to be some middle ground between totally hands on and totally hands off. 

Do you have any advice about this?  Is this par for the course? I'm going to use this break to take time to reexamine my goals and make some decisions.  I'd appreciate any advice or insight that you can provide.  Thanks!


soprano

[hollow_man]

That's a lot of information, and I can't do it justice. But I do have one simple response: Working 40 hours a week on top of doctoral coursework will make anyone feel somewhat inadequate, I would think. I would not even have tried to do that. You might cut back on work hours and see how you feel.

[shakie]

You might also consider the possibility that you are just in the wrong program. 

And it does take time to really get the hang of the whole teaching - grading thing...  especially for that many students.  And remember - in the arts, a lot more of your teaching on the practical side will be one on one or in smaller groups - teaching large intro classes is a skill, but not I wouldn't ditch the whole thing because I wasn't passionate about that kind of class.

Some things I would consider -

- how important is getting art experience and training???  It is not too late to find an MFA program that is a better match.  The benifit of the artistic focus...  you could be an artist when you are done or teach college.  At least in my arts field - even PhDs are often preffered if they have been artists and not just scholars (which is interestingly enough not reflected in most PhD programs application process....  but don't get me started!)

- Were you thinking of going on to a PhD?  In that program you likely won't get to DO art....  I consider it a short break to get my other skills up to speed - but then plan on a career with more balance.  You might not see that in faculty for a research centered degree....  they seem more split between practitioners and academics - but a lot of schools out there want you to do both.  So you can get that balance back.

It seems like you could certainly search for another school - just state that your focus was no longer available...  no hard feelings but you study X and need to go somewhere where you can study X.  Do you have an advisor at your current school you could talk to???  You could even consider finishing the year so they aren't left high and dry for your GTA work.... 

Also - take fewer classes....  take care of yourself.  And I always find too that it takes about a year to get used to a new situation...  so don't take your feelings as definite.  It could be just all the adjusting....  But weigh the pros and cons of the program and finishing...   besides teaching what other options does it open up?  Is it worth slugging through and finishing....   and remember too, it is not bad to decide it isn't for you - but look at all the options before doing something you regret.  But - if you aren't getting to do art work as well as academic...  even if being a professor is your ultimate goal - it still might not be the best match program wise.

Good luck!

[phdbliss]

To add to what the others said I would just say that teaching, while I do believe some natural ability is important, is also something that has to be cultivated. Try not to be so frustrated - I assume this is the first time you've taught - it's difficult the first time around! It gets better, and you will too.

Oh, and yes, 40 hours on top of courses is a huge amount of work. At my Uni, they only allow grad students to work 20 hours.

[miss_m]

OP,

When I first started grad school (in a different kind of MFA), I took a full course load (3 courses, which has been standard in every program in my field), worked 20 hours at the Uni and worked 20 hours outside the Uni.  I am not sure I experienced the same thing you have this semester, but like you, doing this helped me clarify what I wanted to spend my time doing and what I didn't.  Having spent almost a decade now in the classroom, I know it is something I like as much today as when I first walked into it--and people I know who hated it then have stopped dealing with it in the traditional sense.  In that way, I disagree with previous posters who say you may just end up loving it/changing your mind/putting up with it for an academic career (something I think many do to the great disservice of students and themselves).

Now, on to suggestions:

1) Talk to your adviser no matter what.  You don't have to tell him you "hate teaching" or "don't have the personality for it," as you say here.  Instead, talk to him about the heavy workload, your concerns over changing  interests on your part, and (with the door closed) ask him about ways you could get those other courses or experiences you want without getting the two of you tangled in department politics.  He likely has suggestions for connections you could make beyond you Uni walls or in other departments--and if he is powerful, others are likely to play nice with the two of you.  He may also have solutions to rebalance or alter your work assignments to get you more of what you need and want.

2) Find out if you can take fewer classes at a time--and then, do it.  I had friends who carried 4/semester so they could get done quickly.  MFA programs are designed to give you time to consider your field, your art/craft, and your aesthetic--take advantage of that and enjoy the ride more.  You uprooted your life for this and deserve to take the time to appreciate it.

3) Find networking outlets outside your school that allow you to connect with folks and explore your field--academic and otherwise.  In part, this will make you feel less dependent on your adviser but it should also give you some socializing beyond school that can be useful down the road (so you don't have to feel guilty about giving it time) as well as ways to explore the parts of your field your program may not allow.  (I did this with editorial positions when my school didn't offer them.)

4) Stop worrying about the next step and/or the next decade of your life.  You will know if you want to keep going to school when you get closer to the end of school--and not before.  Yes, you have to have a plan but putting yourself on a track--especially one as long as a Ph.D.--when you are just starting an MFA can add a lot of pressure you don't need.

5) Know that your being overworked and disinterested in your work is a lot of why you feel you can't manage your time well or get organized.  This happens to all of us without fail.  Doing some of the above should help that.

Good luck!

MM

[august_leo]

My grad program also only let people work 20 hours a week (GTA or RA).

Because you know you don't want to be a professor now, and you know we don't have "free time," maybe you should consider cutting your losses now. If this isn't your passion maybe you should reconsider.

If you like art and helping students... what would it take to teach high school or junior high art?

[bewilderedta]

I definitely sympathize with your confusion about grad school and what you're doing there in general! I am also finishing my first semester of grad school (though humanities, not FA) and have had to ask myself some questions, especially about teaching. Personally my thought is that this is the hardest part of the semester, we're all stressed out, and better to give it another semester before making any decisions.

However, in your case, your workload does sound like it's above the norm. Is it more than what other students in your cohort are being asked to do? Is there anyway you can reduce it? Talking honestly with your advisor might help, or maybe to your DGS if you're not sure how to approach your advisor.

[tamiam]

Teaching is not something that comes naturally and it's not something that you should be expected to do without training of any sort.

The most challenging aspect of teaching is the immense degree of organization and administration that it requires. It's very easy to let that stuff slip ("now where did I put that exam that the student needed me to re-calculate the grade for?") and then, look out! Nobody ever trains you in that piece, and that's the one that can suck all the joy out of your life.

[soprano]

First, I want to thank all of you for your kind and insightful responses.  Your comments have definitely helped me to gain perspective. 

Most of your mentioned my full workload/working schedule.  After having a few days to work normally and rest (now I'm down to 20 hours a week), I'm seeing that I was under a tremendous amount of stress.  The workload was too much, particularly for a first semester grad student.  I really needed the "sanity check."  Although I was stressed, I also realized that I was very lucky to have been given lots of different options and opportunities.

bewilderedta and wasteland - thanks a lot for commiserating!  Yes, 40 hours is a lot - I wasn't doing it for the whole semester - but when I started doing it - everything started to go downhill.  bewilderedta - what was the hardest part about teaching for you?  And yes, I was doing more than most of my cohort - although there were one or two that were doing the same workload.  However, they were fresh from undergrad, so they didn't have to worry about adjusting.  It is also possible that they were just able to handle these things better than me.  Everybody's different in how much they can and cannot handle.

shakie - I really appreciated your thoughtful post. I am in the process now of reevaluating my goals to see whether this school is a good fit for me. I really want to develop as an artist - so art experience is vital to me.  This program provides a bit of both - research and art - which I appreciate but I'm finding that I'm really missing the artistic piece.  I am thinking about the PhD, primarily because I know that it would make me a lot more competitive for teaching in college, but also because I like research and finding practical ways to apply art to help with social problems.  I am working on a research project now that is very interesting; it is very fulfilling to be part of a team that will solve real-world problems.  I might need to refine my focus a bit more.

abdgangsta and tamiam - the grading aspect was what really sucked the life out of me.  In the beginning I was on top of it - but I dreaded "grading days" - which was Thurday or Friday.  I'd walk out of the office feeling shell shocked and depressed.  Ironically, I like working with students one on one or in small groups.  I hate the large class thing because I feel like I can't get to know everyone and respond personally. 

august_leo - Funny you should mention teaching high school.  I thought about doing it and decided against it.  Teaching middle school and high school is very very structured.  While I can make myself work in structured environments - this would be the nail in the coffin for me.  I've also worked with youth in church and found that the high school/middle school age group was difficult for me. Once kids got to college I found I was able to teach and relate a lot better.  I do like little kids a lot and would like to work with them in smaller groups - but again, not as an elementary school teacher.

And last, but certainly not least - miss m.  Thank you very much for your questions, sharing your experience, and for your advice.  While I like teaching smaller groups of students, I don't think that I'm effective in larger groups.  I do agree in "automatic fit" - that when you find what you are supposed to do there is a natural comfort level - even if you aren't proficient.  I no longer want to work in an area where I have to force myself to fit - I did that for many many years and don't want to ever do that again.  I will definitely speak with my advisor - with the door closed.  My sense is that he does want to be helpful to me, but it is going to take a lot of introspection on my part to make sure that I'm clear and focused.  I'm getting the research experiences here - which I like a lot, but am missing the artistic experiences - which I'm learning are vital for me.  Thanks for the advice for networking outside of the field.  I'm definitely going to do this; I've reduced my workload so that I can spend more time developing as an artist and doing what I really like.  You are right - working all of those hours really helped me to determine what I want to do.   

Thanks again to all of you for your advice and comments.  I now have a lot to think about!