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[joseftherra]

Received an email from a student (the assignment is due soon and students are waking up to the fact that they need to get to work) the subject line of which was APPOINTMENT!!! The body of the missive was a notification of times hu could meet with me to read through hu's assignment.  These are 3000 words and I have over 80 students. 

I managed to send a polite, professional reply, but it was tempting to sink to a new low in email etiquette.  Only a few more weeks and this wretched semester will be over.

[paulsilvia]

I sent an e-mail to the class that reminded them to check their test grades online, in case they hadn't done so. The test was 3 weeks ago. One student wrote back: "oh i guess i missed the test..when do i come take it?" She sent her e-mail during the time that the class met.

Good stuff, good stuff.

[mignon]

My favorite is "What do I have to do to get an A?"  Um, sleep with the professor? 100 jumping jacks?

I thought the people posing this Q were clueless, until I learned that one of the "How to Succeed in College" books actually recommends it. 

[hawaya]

Received before the last semester started:

This is [student name]. I am a student of your [course name]. I have a request for you regarding the timing of the class because I will take buses to go to [school] ( I do not have
car) and according to the bus schedule I will reach [school] at 12:10pm while our class will start at 12:00pm.

Can you please start the class 10 minutes later than it's actual time?
It will be very helpful for me. Hope you will consider my case.
Waiting for your reply.

Of COURSE!  I would LOVE to reschedule the class around your personal schedule.  In fact, why don't you provide me with a list of your favorite beverages and scents so I can make the classroom experience even more to your liking? 

It took every ounce of my being to not respond, "You, sir, are a douche."  Instead I just responded with, "You're kidding, right?  NO."

[malvolio]

Just in!

"Dr. Malvolio, i am kindly asking if you can be a bit less lenient about my one class late for my essay. "

Not a problem!

[much_metta]

"What do I have to do to get an A?"

You have to EARN it.  Did you expect anything less of a reputable institution of higher education? 

[yellowtractor]

What I really love is the underperforming student who e-mails or comes into my office 2/3 of the way through a term and asks "What do I have to do to get an A?"

Time travel, I just told one.  Go back to September and perform.  Investigate alternative realities in which you actually attend class and hand in your assignments on time.

I just can't seem to convince this particular student that under the grading rubric in my syllabus it is no longer mathematically possible for him to earn an A.  Maybe he's already found one of those alternative realities.

[babbinacara]

"What do I have to do to get an A?"

You have to EARN it.  Did you expect anything less of a reputable institution of higher education? 

"If you have to ask, you'll never know." (Louis Armstrong)
And yes, I have used this answer to The Question. It makes the student's mouth hang open in a sort of interesting way.

[gennimom]

What I really love is the underperforming student who e-mails or comes into my office 2/3 of the way through a term and asks "What do I have to do to get an A?"

Time travel, I just told one.  Go back to September and perform.  Investigate alternative realities in which you actually attend class and hand in your assignments on time.

I just can't seem to convince this particular student that under the grading rubric in my syllabus it is no longer mathematically possible for him to earn an A.  Maybe he's already found one of those alternative realities.

I think students believe if they do really well later in the semester, the earlier bad grades will magically disappear.

[jkaron]

[[/quote]

I think students believe if they do really well later in the semester, the earlier bad grades will magically disappear.
[/quote]


High school students often are allowed to make up work late in a semester.  No doubt the habit is carried forward into their first college year.

[ptprof]

My favorite is "What do I have to do to get an A?"  Um, sleep with the professor? 100 jumping jacks?

"Have a cumulative average greater than 90% and you will earn an "A" for the course"

Sadly, the student looked surprised....

[chemystery]

Dear Professor,

I am involved with a certain program.  As part of the program, I am required to have my professors fill out a form each semester.  I am attaching the form to this email.  It is due today, so please sign it and send it back to me as soon as possible. 

Thanks,
Procrastinating Student

The email came at 3:15 this afternoon.  Luckily for the student, I was actually available at that time, and able to sign and email it back to him.  On a normal Monday, I wouldn't even see it until after 5:00. 

[mended_drum]

Dear Professor,

I am involved with a certain program.  As part of the program, I am required to have my professors fill out a form each semester.  I am attaching the form to this email.  It is due today, so please sign it and send it back to me as soon as possible. 

Thanks,
Procrastinating Student

The email came at 3:15 this afternoon.  Luckily for the student, I was actually available at that time, and able to sign and email it back to him.  On a normal Monday, I wouldn't even see it until after 5:00. 

I used to get exactly this request when I first arrived at my SLAC.  The "program" was a fraternity, and the administration seemed to think that have the older "brothers" keep track of pledges' grades made them study harder.  After a couple of semesters, I decided to buck the local culture and refuse to release a student's grades to another student.  When the dean asked me why, I told him that I thought it was unethical and that I'd give the student in question midterm grade which he could pass on to whomever he chose.

We no longer get these requests. 

[amlithist]

Steam is still curling from my ears (got this from a student in a Comp I class)....

"Now correct me if I am wrong, but I am sure that YOU asked me to submit my topic to you ... I AM going to turn in my assignment, because I know that I can still pass your class [told her to drop weeks ago--right now, a stellar 300/700 points, and not enough on the last paper to pass if she'd earn them all]. I am already working on my rough draft, and I will be going to the writing center and I have also requested that my English 030 Professor review my paper, before I turn it in to you, so that there is no misunderstanding about the  research paper. FYI I have already taken [prereq developmental classes] and in those classes I received an A and a B. Thanks for your concern, but it is not required. Here is my topic for the research paper:  TOPIC: Unemployment ( To you this may seem broad, but it will allow me to complete my paper as I want it to be completed.)
 
Also since I was waiting on YOU, to approve said topic, I was unable to send you my thesis statement. This will be sent to you ...at 7:00 p.m. [I'll be waiting by the computer!] so that you will have time to check this topic and make what ever comments you would llike, before I waste my time and send this to you. I figure that if I just sent it to you, you would have something smug to say. Also I will be sending a letter to the head of the English department, letting him or her know my concern about your internet course.  Have a GREAT DAY!"

My response:

"Please, by all means, do feel free to send a note to the department chairman.  His name is XXX, and his e-mail address is XXX.

I DID ask you to submit your topic.  I responded to it yesterday evening at 7:22 p.m. ..., pointing out that you have not sufficiently narrowed your topic to allow for efficient research work or a focused essay.  I also advised not to begin working until the topic is approved, specifically to avoid the problem you are setting up:  the topic “unemployment” is far too broad to approach effectively in a short research project.  There are shelves upon shelves of books in any research library on this broad general topic; there is no way it can be successfully discussed in 6 – 8 pages. 

Since you insist on avoiding any assistance from me to help you make this a successful project, that is certainly an option you can pursue.  However, do not be surprised if the results don’t meet your expectations if you have chosen to directly refuse to follow the assignment and the accompanying directions."

I checked; she did get an A in the developmental class...when she took it the FOURTH time from the instructor we finally fired for passing illiterate students. 

Oh, and have a f***ING great day yourself, Sweetheart.  Is that smug enough for you?

I don't really give a damn about this one; my chair will eat her for lunch.  But I honestly DO have better things to do with my time than read this crap in my inbox. 

[magistra]

Holy batman, Amlithist!  Oh, this one's going to have a terrible life, always in trouble, always convinced she's being persecuted for something...Be grateful she's not your mother-in-law.  This is just outrageous.  Ten bucks says she doesn't graduate.

<passes glass of wine>