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[unsure]

I am new in my department, and a fellow colleague has started off being very friendly, but now I can see his true side and it scares me. This professor was very rude to me this morning, bad-mouthing me to a colleague I barely know in front of me, as I was walking away. The person in question left me something last week anonymously for me to review, and I didn't know what it was and just threw it on my desk, thinking it to be junk mail. When I was asked about it and could I please return it, I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn't even remember this mysterious thing left in my box from last week. He talked to me like I was an idiot, and then spoke ill of me right as I was leaving to go find what he was talking about. Anyway, long story short, I felt like really letting him have it, but I didn't because I'm new and he has some clout in the department. This is just one instance of his behavior. He comes off nice in front of others, but he's so rude when others are not around. I'm trying to stay away from him, but I have to deal with him almost daily for one thing or another.

What can I do short of b*tching him out or "telling" on him? I've tried to speak to him diplomatically, but he just dismisses me. I'm trying to avoid him as much as I can, but it's impossible in a small department.

Thanks.

[larryc]

First look him in the eye and make sure he is looking in yours. Then say: "John? Knock. It. Off. I speak to you with respect and I expect the same." Low and serious, not with anger but with something deeper. Hold his eyes for another long while, then turn your back on him and walk away.

Might work, for a while. Then again, this guy is who he is and you cannot change him. Start documenting because he may be building up to be your personal bully.

[yellowtractor]

And continue to try to minimize the frequency of your encounters, virtual or actual.  Especially, minimize occasions when you might be interacting alone (except when delivering LarryC's dictum).

[larryc]

No, deliver the dictum with an audience!

[patchouli]

Unsure,

     Welcome to the department bully!  I like Larry's comments below but I would also recommend that you not allow yourself to be alone with him; that way, you won't have any of these episodes, and if he tries to talk to you alone, apologize and say you just have to be somewhere right now.  Then go grade papers somewhere or find a mentor to talk to.

     We have two people like this on our campus.  Bully #1 was Mr. Friendly for awhile then got scarily demanding and he repeats this with all new people.  The second person most of us know to never be alone with, and I was advised as such early on in my career. 

     It also wouldn't hurt to keep light documentation. too; you won't regret that.

[finallyfullprof]

I had one of these my first year also. She started out sweet as could be and quickly turned pushy.  She started calling my house at odd hours wanting to gossip about our colleagues (people I'd just met and hadn't even had a chance to get to know!).  She invited me to outside events I had no interest in and no time for given the demands of first-year teaching.  I handled it entirely wrong. I used a passive approach and simply disengaged with her.  That made her even more angry.  Over a dozen years later, I now have a coworker who dislikes me with a passion most people reserve for sports team rivalries. It has taken my finally getting to the same rank as she to have the courage to take the advice others here are giving you.

Stand up for yourself now before this gets any worse.  And never be alone with this person because then any altercation becomes your word against his. 

[oldfullprof]

I had a co-author like this.  She'd set you up by failing to tell you the whole story-- she once became enraged when I asked her to spell check a document.  Verbal abuse-- the works.  I fired her. 

I had a buddy in grad school who tried to run minor degradation stuff the same way.  "Could you zerox this?"  I'd just leave it where he threw it.

They got their training at jackass office workers school. 

[august]

Hi Unsure,

I am sorry you have to go through this.  I have experience with department bullies, and I agree with everything said here.  You have to stick up for yourself right away, the sooner the better.  The bullies I have encountered have backed down when I respectfully confront them.  Others in my department have not stood their ground and are paying for it.  One is a senior professor who has taken b*** for too long, never gets decent raises, and suffers humiliation at department meetings.  I think everyone in our department (except the bullies of course) would be very happy if one day he just told the chair and the other senior bully to go f*** o**, in no uncertain terms.  We would applaud. 

Good luck. 

[london1]

I can really only echo the good advice of previous posters.  Assuming a firm dignity with this bully is essential.  I would definitely document all incidents (and keep them in hard copy form at home with dates, locations, times, other people present).  I am torn on the issue of being alone or not being alone with the bully.  I think this will be up to you, based on your own level of discomfort.

[libbilou]

Unsure,

I agree with everything said...apparently this bully is looking for blood. Don't give it to him.  Show him your confident side.  Keep the eye contact and show him you mean business!

[jester17]

I like larryc's advice, but would handle the tone and physical/psychic distance a bit differently: get your face as close to bully's as you can without kissing hu, and in a slightly comforting, alto voice, very softly, maintaing the exact eye contact larryc suggests, state, "Listen -- you don't have to talk to me, or about me, in that fashion. It might make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry, and I wouldn't like to be angry at you. I'd like to be friendly." Then, put your face .15 in closer and ask, just a bit louder, "Does that sound ok to you?" and smile warmly, with your teeth.


J