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[noodlin]

Hello all-
First-time poster, long-time reader here. I am feeling a little alone with this issue and I just wanted to see if anyone else could relate to my experience, either as the impatient spouse or the desperate-to-be-done ABD.
A little more about my situation:
I am completing a PhD in the humanities and had been ABD for one semester when I started dating my future spouse two years ago. When we started dating, I thought I would be done within 12 months. Well, 12 months turned into 24 months. In those 24 months, I fell in love and got engaged, moved several hours away for a  one-year full-time visiting position, publised an article, planned a wedding for 100 people from out of town,  and moved back to finish my degree this fall. I just handed in my diss draft on monday and await a defense date.
My spouse works in the private sector, is completing an advanced degree program on the weekend, is very loving, financially supportive and insists that he is just trying to 'motivate' me by pushing me and reminding me that I said I was going to be done 12 months ago. Unfortunately, I have grown very defensive to his 'motivating' tactics and my dissertation status and graduation datel have become the biggest source of contention in our relationship.
We love and respect each other very much, but just cannot come together on this issue. As it is, I resent him for being impatient with me and he is frustrated with what he sees as my delays.
Anyone experiencing/ed a similar situation?

[procra]

I was the impatient partner for a while (then it was my partner's turn to be the impatient one...).  In my case, much of my impatience stemmed from the growing backlog of mutual concerns that would get attended to, but only once the diss. was done (moving to a nicer apartment, getting engaged, sharing household chores equitably, etc.).  Since my partner was profoundly hostile to my well-intentioned efforts to move the process along, I was left feeling profoundly powerless.  When he finally realized that the problem was not the unfinished diss. per se, but my feeling that important dimensions of MY life had to be put "on hold" without reference to my needs or feelings, he became more willing to negotiate and go forward with the things that were really important to me.  That responsiveness made me much more willing to accept the inevitable delays.

When it was my turn, getting pregnant went much further than my partner's nagging in motivating me to finish the damn thing...

What is it about your slow progress that bothers your partner so much?  Is it the evidence of a character flaw (that you may not finish what you set out to do)?  Is it that you can't earn as much money until it's done?  Is it that dissertating takes time away from fun things you could be doing together?  The dissertation will get done when it gets done (and it sounds like you're well on the way to completion!), but if you can correct or at least address some of the problems that you partner sees as stemming from the incompleteness of it, you may be able to get past the current crisis.

[larryc]

You should be saying these things to her, not us.

[noodlin]

I find it interesting that you assume it is a 'she' that is the impatient one. In fact, it is the other way around.

[larryc]

You should be saying these things to him, not us.

[captain_obvious]

I have no idea what field your in, so this observation may be totally inapplicable, but it seems to me that to have your dissertation done and defended within 12 months of going ABD was awfully optimistic thinking in the first place!  Right now you're at two years, you've turned in a draft, and you're awaiting possible revision requests and a defense date.  To me, this sounds like good and very timely progress.

So perhaps there needs to be a frank reevalutation of the process and acknowledgment by both of you that these things actually take longer than you had optimistically fantasized it would.  And, as Procrastinator said, see if there are specific issues that can be addressed now that would make your partner feel better about the unexpected delay.

[notranslation]

Seamonkey,
I think 2 years is more the norm than 1. I agree with captain_obvious; IMHO, you are right on track.
Perhaps your spouse is ready to move onto the next phase and sees your degree (or lack thereof) as what is standing in the way of _________(fill in the blank: house, kids, stability, etc.).
Maybe you can talk to your advisor/committee and get a tentative schedule for what still awaits you. That way your spouse won't be totally surprised if you still need, say, another 6 mos.
Good luck!

[wildwest]

There is much wisdom in what procrastinator has said.

As the "impatient spouse" of an ABD, here is what makes me impatient:

1.  I feel like we have put our lives on hold for spouse's degree, and I just want a "normal" life again.  You know, like what "normal" people have.  I want to be able to settle somewhere, buy a house, save more money, etc.  I feel like we are in transition now.
2.  I want to know where spouse will get a job and where we will end up.  Will it be a nice are?  Or out in the boondocks?  Again, we are living in a transitional place now.
3.  Expanding on the two points above, our apartment is just getting too small as we get older.  However, we are putting things like moving, buying house, etc. on hold until we know where we will end up.
4.  Continuing the theme of "in transition"--I would love to find a new job but opportunities are limited in our university town.  So I am waiting things out in current position, hoping that my skills aren't becoming obsolete.
5.  Because I understand the importance of spouse's research and teaching, I have taken on the majority of the household tasks.  I wish I had the money to hire a cleaning lady.
6.  Money is tight.  Spouse is doing a lot of adjuncting, but that doesn't pay much, and neither does my full-time job.  I get frustrated when I can't buy super nice gifts for family at Christmas, or redecorate, or just "go shopping" at the mall, or go out indescriminately with friends for drinks.  As we get older, I would like more savings, equity, etc.
7.  I know spouse is working hard, but when I see spouse surfing the internet I get a little impatient.  Why is spouse wasting time?  Shouldn't spouse be writing?  (I know, I know, one can't write twenty-four hours a day).
8.  I got the Ph.D. myself but left "traditional" academic pursuits soon after.  I have real issues with the "culture" of academia.  I get absolutely furious and sad when I see spouse trying to deal graciously with all of the the disgusting politics and egos.  I wonder why spouse does this to huself, and why spouse doesn't take hu's talents into the "real" world.
9.  We have decided to start a family a little later than we might have so that the timing of such things works better with spouse's timeline.  (Which, actually, I feel fine about most of the time, until I remember our ages).
10.  Does spouse realize the sacrifices I have made for hu's dream?  Will I be "repaid" sometime in the future if great opportunities surface for me?  Spouse has expressed appreciation--but I guess I want to hear it more often.

So, there you have it.  By the way, I am very supportive of spouse's pursuit of the Ph.D., and I have even been encouraging when spouse was really ready to throw in the towel.  You have to let people pursue their dreams and be true to themselves and fulfill their potentials.  And spouse is very good about encouraging me to pursue my interests, which I am doing on the side now. 

So, I look at the list above and I think, how much of this stuff is really important?  I suppose if we have to wait another few years to be settled and have a little more income, it doesn't matter.  (What I'm afraid of though is the possibility of several "visiting lecturer" postions, which would mean continuing this cycle).  On a good day I am positive and upbeat; on a bad day I'm wondering what we are doing here.

Don't know if this is helpful to you or not.
 

[scheherazade]

I find it interesting that you assume it is a 'she' that is the impatient one. In fact, it is the other way around.

In defense of LarryC, your original post refers to your spouse as "he" and "him" several times.

And I agree that you need to speak to your spouse directly.

[secretweapon]

Wildwest, thanks for that list of frustrations.  I have been on both sides - as SO and I have alternately had major deadlines looming.  Often, I am not frustrated with SO, but with the situation.  I don't feel so bad to hear that you are too.

[scheherazade]

I find it interesting that you assume it is a 'she' that is the impatient one. In fact, it is the other way around.

In defense of LarryC, your original post refers to your spouse as "he" and "him" several times.

Ah.  Never mind.  I misread your second post.