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[gypsy_98]

I really appreciate the great suggestions and inputs I have received. We moved to this new area because my husband had been trying for a while to find a tt position, but was unsuccessful because his research is in a very cutting edge field and there are very few positions available in his research area. However, the positions that are available are very lucrative. When he was offered significant start-up funds and infrastructural support to establish his own lab, we both decided that it did not make sense to leave such an offer. On the other hand, while I earned a decent salary, it was nowhere near what my husband was offered. So, we decided that due to financial considerations, we would move to the new location and I would look for opportunities here. However, the academic opportunities in this area are not great for PhDs in my field.

My primary concern about continuing in my non-academic position is that I will not be able to publish or teach unless I stretch myself to the limit (i.e. work all hours of the day). How will that improve the quality of my children's life even if they are living with both their parents? So, in essence by staying here, I will have to give up any hopes of ever building an academic career, which is very unfortunate because I really enjoyed being in academia. I dislike the hierarchical structure that exists in my new organization.   I dislike having to account for every hour I am away from office. I dislike not being my own boss and having control over my work. My current salary is definitely much higher than my academic salary, but there are so many great things about academia that far outweigh the higher salary.

I can try to teach and publish while continuing in my non-academic job, but have serious doubts that I will find a tenure-track position in this geographical area. So, the only two options I will have if I decide to stay here are: 1) continue in my non-academic job for a number of years OR 2) stay at home.     

I would really love to hear from people who have been in a similar predicament. What did you decide in this situation and what were the repercussions of those decisions?

Thanks,

Gypsy

[prytania3]

My primary concern about continuing in my non-academic position is that I will not be able to publish or teach unless I stretch myself to the limit (i.e. work all hours of the day). How will that improve the quality of my children's life even if they are living with both their parents? So, in essence by staying here, I will have to give up any hopes of ever building an academic career, which is very unfortunate because I really enjoyed being in academia. I dislike the hierarchical structure that exists in my new organization.   I dislike having to account for every hour I am away from office. I dislike not being my own boss and having control over my work. My current salary is definitely much higher than my academic salary, but there are so many great things about academia that far outweigh the higher salary.

Your kids care that both parents are home.

Kids don't care if you're happy. They don't care if your hopes of building an academic career are met. They don't care if you don't like your work structure. They don't care if you dislike your boss or whether you have control over your work. They really don't care, and they won't for a long, long time. Maybe, like, when they are 30.

And you know what? Your husband probably doesn't care all that much either.

You are just rationalizing that whole myth that kids can't be happy unless the parents are. That's a myth.

Bottom line: No one really cares if you are happy or not, but you.

I am not advising one way or the other. I'm just giving you the facts.

[tenured_feminist]

My mother and father and all of their sibs all grew up with mothers who had no careers -- one gave hers up and one always stayed in the home. An N of two, I realize, but those kids were not happy because their moms were very unsatisfied with their lives and felt unfulfilled.

Your kids don't care if you're happy, but if you allow your unhappiness to affect how you parent -- and it's hard not to -- they do care.

[prytania3]

My mother and father and all of their sibs all grew up with mothers who had no careers -- one gave hers up and one always stayed in the home. An N of two, I realize, but those kids were not happy because their moms were very unsatisfied with their lives and felt unfulfilled.

Your kids don't care if you're happy, but if you allow your unhappiness to affect how you parent -- and it's hard not to -- they do care.

And they would have been happier had the parents separated? I doubt it.

[slac_vap]

My mother and father and all of their sibs all grew up with mothers who had no careers -- one gave hers up and one always stayed in the home. An N of two, I realize, but those kids were not happy because their moms were very unsatisfied with their lives and felt unfulfilled.

Your kids don't care if you're happy, but if you allow your unhappiness to affect how you parent -- and it's hard not to -- they do care.

But please don't make the assumption that all stay-at-home-parents are unhappy and unfulfilled.  For that matter, it is short-sighted to presume that gypsy will be forever unhappy and unfulfilled as a SAHM or in a different career (short-sighted both of us as a group, and of her). 

Gypsy, before you completely resign to being unhappy in your new location, try something else!  This could be a great opportunity for you to pursue a slightly or totally different interest.

[larryc]

Pry nailed it.

[tenured_feminist]

I don't assume that all SAHMs are unhappy or dissatisfied. The ones who give up their careers "for the children" and not for themselves, in my very unscientific observation, tend to be.

And as for my parents' parents -- sorry, Pry, but I do think that definitely my dad would have been happier and probably my mom. My dad's mother was a very bitter, angry person, and my mother's mother was horribly depressed.

[zharkov]

 So, the only two options I will have if I decide to stay here are: 1) continue in my non-academic job for a number of years OR 2) stay at home.     

Let me suggest that you need to work on expanding your list of options....

Two to add: 

3. Get an academic job at a non-R1 school, but at a SLAC or CC that encourages, or at least allows, research.

4. Become a consultant in your field, set your own hours, decide how much you want to work, and use the rest of the time for your own stuff.  I met such a person a couple of weeks ago at a conference.  Hired gun, consulting pays the bills, leave enough time to do the research and engagement with the scientific community.

[revel_master]

If the husband's salary is really that terrific, I'm curious why, OP, you're clinging to the high salary of your unwanted 9-5 job.  Quitting the 9-5 job need not translate into stay-at-home motherhood.  As has been noted, OP can teach part-time (maybe even at the spouse's institution as a foot in the door?), or to look for research grants and do independent research and scholarship, all of which might help increase the chances for a full time appointment in the area in the future.  Or, perhaps OP can find other non-academic work (full time or part time) that is more satisfying and less constricting than the 9-5 job.  It might take some thinking outside the box, but I would think that the spouse's nice income would allow for such things, at least for a little while.... no?  Maybe as a family you'd have to cut back on some things for a while, but that seems like a small price to pay for your happiness, one that your spouse and children should be willing to make given all that you've given up for them.

In short, while I'm sure what you're going through is difficult, it sounds like you're attacking the problem through an unhelpful either/or binary: EITHER be miserable in a 9-5 job, OR leave the spouse and uproot the kids.  Aren't there ANY other options?

[vortex]

Do you really need the extra income?  Being a SAHM would give you a lot more time for intellectual and scholarly pursuits than your current job and allow you to spend time with your kids.  It depends though on what you want out of your career and what you're willing to sacrifice for it.