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[gayle]

I am looking for a new job and hope to leave my employer soon.  Problem is, my unit is rather fond of throwing big parties for folks that are leaving.  Even if they have only been here a couple years.  I've been here a while (between 5 and 10 years) so I know they'll want to do this for me.

If someone wants to bring a cake to my last staff meeting - fine.  A card and small gift from my immediate co-workers. Fine.  An open house to which the entire campus is invited.  Ug. 

So my question is, am I allowed to go to the folks who usually organize these things and say I'd rather they didn't?  And if they do anyway (as has happened in the past) do I have to participate politely, or can I call in sick that day?  (They try to do these as a surprise, but I have one friend I know will warn me.)

Opinions?

[offthemarket]

If you tell the people who organize these things that you don't want one, by no means should you be expected to participate if they have one against your wishes!

If they have a surprise party after you told them you didn't want one, then it would be polite to the people who didn't know your preferences, to stick around for a few minutes before leaving.

[red_queen]

I too would hate this. Hate it. Nevertheless, I'd suggest you suck it up and go, at least for a bit. Hold your nose, drink lots of alcohol, leave early, but go.

[untenured]

So my question is, am I allowed to go to the folks who usually organize these things and say I'd rather they didn't?  And if they do anyway (as has happened in the past) do I have to participate politely, or can I call in sick that day?  (They try to do these as a surprise, but I have one friend I know will warn me.)

Opinions?

This party is not about you.  This party is about the partythrowers and the school tradition.  You are just an excuse for reinforcing that tradition.

If the tradition were something more invidious, then surely bow out.  This is different tho.

Think of it this way.  I presume you've built up some good networking and relationship chits with these people.  Deny them the opportunity to have their fun or even worse not showing up will burn up much of that goodwill.  Goodwill is reeeally important in academia and you never know when these party-loving people will put a good word in for you in the future.

Attend the party.  Enjoy watching the anthropoloigical exercise.  Express your grateful thanks and leave this university smelling like a rose.

Untenured

[gayle]

I too would hate this. Hate it. Nevertheless, I'd suggest you suck it up and go, at least for a bit. Hold your nose, drink lots of alcohol, leave early, but go.

Alcohol?  What's that? 

That is not something included in these get togethers. 

Yes untenured, I know that's what I should do.  And I will.  But I don't wanna!

Doesn't anyone have any creative ways to get out of this that I can at least fantasize about?

[prof_mom]

We have the same tradition. There is usually a luncheon at the end of the semester.

We have a person leaving that those who organize these things do not like. I just realized that nothing has been organized for this person leaving and she is leaving in 3 weeks.  You should go if they offer to host one and be gracious.

To the rest of you, do not upset those who organize things.

[untenured]

Gayle,

I'm always up for a social event.  I know not everyone feels this way.  Many, many academics are not the type to revel in the bye-bye-party like this.

Make nice with the partygoers.  Attend and smile.

Tell us all about it afterwards.  Vent as much as you want.  We'll keep the light on for you.

Untenured

[spork]

I hate this behavior.  It's one reason that when leaving my last job, I initially told only my chair and one other close friend in my department who I knew would not repeat what she heard.  My immanent departure was something that had to be announced at a department meeting -- because a search had to be initiated -- but word spread slowly enough so that I managed to avoid a university-wide going away "party."

In your case, if word leaks out, and you're approached about a party, maybe you can cite prior commitments so that the party gets scheduled for a day when most people will be off campus -- e.g., after commencement.

For the record, I also hate birthday celebrations in the workplace.

[csguy]

I hate this too especially in the cases where the person is leaving under duress. It's just embarrassing.

[daniel_von_flanagan]

We have a person leaving that those who organize these things do not like. I just realized that nothing has been organized for this person leaving and she is leaving in 3 weeks.

These are ill-mannered people. - DvF