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[oldfullprof]

Tender __ laid ___ down.  __ licked h__ lips, the reached ___ hand between ___ legs and _______ _______ ____ ___ ____.  (More?)

[polly_mer]

OFP, that is quite possibly the worst description of an affair or pornography in the history of these fora.

I say that with all love, but, dang, that is so not good.  Where's Bcohlan1 and his voided-warranty-factory-original parts?  I bet he can tell stories.

[oldfullprof]

Ah well, this may be what ro-bo sex is during grading.  Delerious from marking up ___________ and Society finals, I did one of my fill in the blanks efforts.  It did suck. 

[sleepingbag]

Okay, here goes...

I am married and had an affair with another married woman.  This woman does not work at the university nor is affiliated in anyway.  She was caught by her husband.  They are in counseling now. I am slated to go to counseling as well with my wife.  She does not know of the affair yet, but she does know we have been having troubles long before this.  I am no longer in a sexual relationship with the other woman, but we have kept each other updated as to any pertenant occurrences in order to protect the other from retribution from an angry spouse.

Well, her husband found out that this form of communication was still going on.  Understandably, he is furious.  He threatened to tell my wife.  She will be told soon enough by me, I'm sure.  This, while painful, I can deal with.  However, he also threatened to have me fired from my work over this.  Ordinarily, I know this is preposterous.  However, we had sex in my office.  He knows this.  I don't have tenure yet.  Is it reasonable to assume that this could end my tenure bid should he make some phone calls?  Is having sex in an office illegal?  Not surprisingly, the faculty handbook says nothing of the sort. 

What I want most is for everybody to go their separate ways and get their lives back together.  But she said he seemed to be teetering on the edge of something in therapy, which scared her to death and she wanted to warn me.   

[groundhog]

Sleepingbag, I manage staff (but not at a public university) and if I received a call from someone who said that s/he was a wronged spouse and that my employee and the straying spouse had *relations* in the office, I wouldn't disclose anything to the wronged spouse or tell the wronged spouse that I would take any action.  On the contrary, I don't think that I could act on that without proof. I might tell the employee to knock it off, but I'm not sure that I could or would use "heresay" evidence against my employee in a disciplinary manner - it would get me sued.  Same as if some stranger called me and said that my employee beats his/her spouse or had smoked marijuana on the weekend.  I would keep it in mind and if there were other red flags, it would make me cautious.  But it would not affect my employee's status.  You're lucky that the "other" woman doesn't work for your uni.    

Regarding the tenure process, though, I don't know.  You might need to be very careful in other areas such as relationships with other faculty, service, etc., so that that doesn't become a factor.

Just my opinion.

[polly_mer]

I agree with Groundhog.

[sleepingbag]

Lets say that the wronged spouse has a printed email that says something nonspecific about a time in the office.  I don't think it says what we did or even says the word "sex", but it is clear based on the way the conversation went that we were talking about a time she came to visit and did do this in the office.  This would make it more than hearsay but still nothing like being caught in the act or even pinpointing a specific time or activity.  There are others that are far more specific that we think it is unlikely that he has.  Neither of us are sure he has these emails, mind you.  In addition, the emails are from a private account that doesn't even carry my real name anywhere.  Does this change your opinion at all?

My progress toward tenure here appears good.  Everyone is happy with me.  At least that is what they tell me.  My pretenure review went very well.  I won a university wide award already.  I don't think anyone is looking for a cause to get rid of me.  But I really like it here.  I don't know if I could find a better fit for me. 

Thanks for the responses.  I've been a wreck for a little while now.

[oldfullprof]

I had an affair during most of my tenure run-up.  It did take the edge off.  The affair was with a woman from my grad cohort, but we'd known each other for nine years before it started.  We were both married to someone else.  There was a 24 year age difference, which didn't seem to be a problem.  We're back to being friends now, but it did take a year or two of zero communication to get there.  Affair over for five years now.  Since few people here at Stepford State actually have sex, I think that there were very few radar sets here to pick it up.

We were the only two people in our cohort who had a sense of humor.

[polly_mer]

Does this change your opinion at all?

Even if the spouse has video, the response is still "That wronged spouse is being a jerk.  Roundfile the evidence", not "Damn, we have to fire Sleepingbag for having consensual relations".

...unless you are doing something nefarious on my desk.  Then, out you go!

My progress toward tenure here appears good.  Everyone is happy with me.  At least that is what they tell me.  My pretenure review went very well.  I won a university wide award already.  I don't think anyone is looking for a cause to get rid of me.  But I really like it here.  I don't know if I could find a better fit for me. 

Thanks for the responses.  I've been a wreck for a little while now.
[/quote]

[this_is_my_username]

 So I have a bit of an issue with a good friend of mine, and thought this might be the place to get some advice.

 My buddy and his wife are teaming up with me on a research project in a few months, and we are all good friends. It's an exciting project, and requires a multi-year commitment. Here's the rub. He has a brand new job, and she is an adjunct where he works. He recently started sleeping with the chair of his department. Like every night. In their offices. He tells me they are madly in love and planning to leave their respective spouses for each other. This has been going on for 4-5 months.

  He is gone 12 hours a day, five to six days a week. Right now she sees nothing unusual because she figures he is working overtime as a new assistant professor, all in an effort to negotiate her spousal hire. He claims to be out at meetings, never in the office, always over dinner and unreachable by phone. He hasn't submitted one publication or attended one conference. Quite the charade.  I don't see any way she can be fooled for much longer, and this thing is going to absolutely explode. She is the type that will immediately move out of state and seek a divorce.

 When it does, the research project could tank. Sure, I could still work with one individual, but I figure they'll be going through a nasty divorce when the project is set to begin. They have a kid and both will be seeking custody, so it will be that level of nasty. The problem is there are a number of people besides myself (including a number of students) who would be adversely affected by the project's cancellation. I've been quietly organizing a safety net plan with new personnel, but I feel just awful about it.

 My strategy has been to STFU. Yet I feel like I'm sitting idly by as my buddy destroys his family and, potentially, an important part of my career. What to do?

[collegeprofessor2009]

Honestly, I cannot even imagine such a situation. It's beyond my comprehension, really. A new Assistant professor is sleeping with an adjunct... A professional suicide...

[tinyzombie]

Honestly, I cannot even imagine such a situation. It's beyond my comprehension, really. A new Assistant professor is sleeping with an adjunct... A professional suicide...

The new professor is sleeping with his chair, actually. His wife is an adjunct.

[oldfullprof]

You guys can do anything you want, as long as you put a towel down on my desk first.  And watch out for that stapler...

[alto_stratus]

So I have a bit of an issue with a good friend of mine, and thought this might be the place to get some advice.

 My buddy and his wife are teaming up with me on a research project in a few months, and we are all good friends. It's an exciting project, and requires a multi-year commitment. Here's the rub. He has a brand new job, and she is an adjunct where he works. He recently started sleeping with the chair of his department. Like every night. In their offices. He tells me they are madly in love and planning to leave their respective spouses for each other. This has been going on for 4-5 months.

  He is gone 12 hours a day, five to six days a week. Right now she sees nothing unusual because she figures he is working overtime as a new assistant professor, all in an effort to negotiate her spousal hire. He claims to be out at meetings, never in the office, always over dinner and unreachable by phone. He hasn't submitted one publication or attended one conference. Quite the charade.  I don't see any way she can be fooled for much longer, and this thing is going to absolutely explode. She is the type that will immediately move out of state and seek a divorce.

 When it does, the research project could tank. Sure, I could still work with one individual, but I figure they'll be going through a nasty divorce when the project is set to begin. They have a kid and both will be seeking custody, so it will be that level of nasty. The problem is there are a number of people besides myself (including a number of students) who would be adversely affected by the project's cancellation. I've been quietly organizing a safety net plan with new personnel, but I feel just awful about it.

 My strategy has been to STFU. Yet I feel like I'm sitting idly by as my buddy destroys his family and, potentially, an important part of my career. What to do?

As he has confided in you, why not ask him if he's really thought about how he will deal with the impact this will have on his wife, his son, and other family members, his career (the distraction of this affair and what is to come), his network at the university and within the community (people take sides), and also the impact that divorce, shared custody, and child support payments will have on his current fling.  Many a passionate relationship is dampened by reality.

Also, hypothetically speaking, in what way could you secretly expose him or trick him into exposing himself before the project has a chance to take off?  I think that's the most interesting scenario, and the easiest for you to work around.  How long is the average divorce (with kids) in your state?  He may want to file first to set the venue.  (Obviously, I'm kidding about some of this--I thought the purpose of this topic was to brag.)

[collegeprofessor2009]

Would be a chair be fired due to such a hot affair with her subordinate?