next »

[prytania3]

Well, it's not my marriage or my life, so it's easy for me to say either way. But you sound fairly miserable. If you get caught, however, sounds like divorce court. It's the old, "Don't do the crime unless you're willing to do the time." A cliche, yes, but so true.

[spork]

I also have a high sex drive. I'm often shut-down when I approach the subject.

What's this guy's problem?  Maybe I should rent myself out to desperate housewives . . .

[zarathustra]

I'm back to feeling like I don't exist, that I'm taken for granted, that I'm not able to live up to hu's expectations (body--size/composition).

An affair might seem like a nice bandaid at the moment, but don't you deserve better?  Like to be able to really like yourself first?  Then the humdrums  won't necessarily drive you to do something potentially self-destructive....

[tatusik]

I am totally tired of my family life. I am planning to leave now to the "conference" in Cancun with one of the graduate students. Feel extremely happy, much better than during the last five years. However, not sure if this is a good solution for a long period of time.

[makinmistakes]

I also have a high sex drive. I'm often shut-down when I approach the subject.

What's this guy's problem?  Maybe I should rent myself out to desperate housewives . . .

He's gone for work 50 hours a week or so and, despite being in a professional career, is on a swing shift. We often do not sleep together, consequently, and I gone during the day. When I see him, especially on days off, he's tired or not in the mood. It wasn't always like this, but now, sigh.

Sure, Spork, come see me, but I'm no desperate housewife! lol

Pry, I know, I know. I'm willing to "pay the piper" as it were, but part of me wonders if I risk being caught b/c I don't want to act.
Yes,

[akimbo]

Thanks for the thoughts and musings.
Yes, there are assets, but no, no children. I'm still young, have been told I'm hot (though b/c I have a low body-image and in a sense low self-esteem, I doubt this), and have a bright future ahead. Those things I know. I could find someone else, probably lots of someones. But I don't want what's possibly worse or just more of the same. Ahh-yeah, that's part of the security.

I've cheated in the past--had a one-night stand that developed into a f-buddy and had one serious relationship that lasted 6 months.  It was at a very low point in my marriage--I actually asked for a divorce and spouse said lets wait it out. I decided I'd never do it again, not b/c I couldn't, but that I didn't want to risk security. Things got lots better after that--e.g. I went on meds.

I'm back to feeling like I don't exist, that I'm taken for granted, that I'm not able to live up to hu's expectations (body--size/composition).

I also have a high sex drive. I'm often shut-down when I approach the subject.
I talked to spouse today, suggested the trench coat and hooker attire (was told we'd go to jail-geeze), mentioned leaving notes etc. explained that I need something exciting.

I'm frustrated.

Cut the guy loose.  Give him a chance to get on with his life with someone who he can actually trust.  No use keeping him in the dark.  He needs to make his own decisions with accurate information.

[makinmistakes]

I've thought about fairness to him as well. I'm not sure it exists in the real world. I don't believe in "T" truth, but relative truth.

Also, when I talked to him about divorce and began to elaborate as to why I wanted one, he said he didn't want to hear it or know.

I assume that means he must know something. There are other things I do that he doesn't approve of or "know" about, but I know he knows. He prefers our agreement to keep it underwraps, per se.

I've also given him another chance for divorce, which he didn't take.

I'm highlighting the negatives. Clearly, we've had wonderful years--the first 7ish years we were together were great. No complaints. Everything was fantastic. We both gave everything to each other.
It's been the last few years that have been a strain.

[enviroabd]

makinmistakes, I re-read a few of your posts, and I'm wondering if the "stepping out" is a way of trying to self-treat your depression. Medication it not usually a cure. Having been treated for depression myself, I know how difficult and overwhelming the feelings can be. Especially coupled with your statements about poor body image and low self-esteem, it sounds like you may be seeking affirmation from the married hu. (I know other people with depression who have exactly done this).

Does your SO know how bad your self-image is?  Would hu be willing to accompany you to counselling to learn how to help you with your problems? (if not, that sounds like a good reason for divorce)
Could your SO be reacting to the depression and self-image problems by shutting down?  If your SO has certain demands about your body composition, could it be that hu cares for your health?  (I have had some very similar experiences) Do you always ask your SO for affirmation and test hu's loyalty? Maybe this contributes to the way hu feels. If hu knows about the things that you do that "he doesn't approve of" maybe those are a turn-off even if hu wants to deny it...

It's pretty easy to come across as a pompous sonofab1tch when psychoanalysing other people's lives, but I know how destructive depression can be. So that starts a giant red flag waving for me. Security is important, but your health is even more so. Ditch the SO if hu is unwilling to help you get well.

[newbie]

I can count on my left hand the number of people who are truly in love with their spouses after 10 years.

That's a depressing statement. I wonder what makes those people different.

Good luck, makinmistakes.

[makinmistakes]

makinmistakes, I re-read a few of your posts, and I'm wondering if the "stepping out" is a way of trying to self-treat your depression. Medication it not usually a cure. Having been treated for depression myself, I know how difficult and overwhelming the feelings can be. Especially coupled with your statements about poor body image and low self-esteem, it sounds like you may be seeking affirmation from the married hu. (I know other people with depression who have exactly done this).

Does your SO know how bad your self-image is?  Would hu be willing to accompany you to counselling to learn how to help you with your problems? (if not, that sounds like a good reason for divorce)
Could your SO be reacting to the depression and self-image problems by shutting down?  If your SO has certain demands about your body composition, could it be that hu cares for your health?  (I have had some very similar experiences) Do you always ask your SO for affirmation and test hu's loyalty? Maybe this contributes to the way hu feels. If hu knows about the things that you do that "he doesn't approve of" maybe those are a turn-off even if hu wants to deny it...

It's pretty easy to come across as a pompous sonofab1tch when psychoanalysing other people's lives, but I know how destructive depression can be. So that starts a giant red flag waving for me. Security is important, but your health is even more so. Ditch the SO if hu is unwilling to help you get well.

I think you have given me the first real insight.
I hadn't thought about my destructive behavior as a method of self-medicating, but it makes sense. I only step-out when I feel like crappola. The attention from others makes me feel good, so it lifts my spirits. Its like crack (not that I'd know, but the metaphor seems appropriate). I do feel awful. This week I had a difficult time doing anything--including taking a shower--daily. I try to put on a good front, because it sometimes works and gets me out of my funk, but it doesn't always help. I also self-medicate by eating junk or drinking (I mean 1 or 2, not heavy drinking and not daily drinking) which also doesn't help.

I'm petite but have gotten out of the "string bikini" look recently. The pressure to get back into it is, in part, b/c I feel better when I look better (I'm sure I have self-and body-image intertwined). It's probably my happiness that prompts the "don't eat that" admonishments and gentle pinches. Support is there, but it sometimes isn't helpful.

I know I'm smart, lucky, have a lot going for me, but it doesn't seem to matter. Good grief, your post enviroabd has been more helpful than therapy! I'm going to go cry now.

[enviroabd]

hi again (this is turning into therapy thread instead of scarlett letter club)

I'm glad to know that it was helpful - lots of us have been there (!) makinmistakes. Depression is a really common but still stigmatized illness. Even The View (I know, but it was on while I was exercising) did an hour-long special last week.  Rosie has major depression, apparently. 

Anyway, people find strange ways to make themselves feel better. I spent much of my undergrad reading novels, because it helped to read about other people's lives. Realisin, but not able to care that I was keeping myself from my own happy ending by reading instead of exercising, socialising, etc. I was getting treatment, but it wasn't enough. After a few years, after feeling a bit better, I met my SO, who totally didn't understand depression. Hu kept getting frustrated that I was weepy and needy and not trusting that he cared. Hu kept telling me that I needed to exercise and not be such a couch potato. The advice finally sank in, and I started to feel better, and am now off the meds. I also know the deal about eating junk and/or drinking (terribly easy to do in university).

So I can relate to most of the things you are saying. It's tempting to seek out romance and compliments when the one at home is not giving you the self-esteem boost that you need. Someone who hasn't had to deal with depression really doesn't know how important the affirmations are.

Remember, the first step is admitting that you have a problem... (sorry, sometimes all that I can do is laugh to keep from crying).

Just remember that it is an illness, and treat it that way. Wikipedia links to some interesting articles that may help, or that you could point your SO to (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinical_depression)

(virtual) hugs

[makinmistakes]

Thank you so much enviroabd!! You are a blessing.

I think I was focusing so much on the physical and how that made me feel, I didn't think about why I was looking for that "fix" in the first place (other than I knew I wasn't getting what I needed at home).

:) I went for a long walk today (3 miles), got papers graded (some impressed me, others were god-awful), cleaned, and am now working on a paper. This is all good. Movin' in the right direction.

[enviroabd]

keep moving, let us know how things go. We're rootin' for you! 
(walking is super good - exercise and can be meditative)

[prof_mom]

I can count on my left hand the number of people who are truly in love with their spouses after 10 years.

That's a depressing statement. I wonder what makes those people different.

Good luck, makinmistakes.

I have been with my spouse for 14 years and we are truly in love. With 2 kids, we don't have sex as much as we used to, but we talk and we laugh, and we work hard to stay on the same page. We try not to bicker, and we try hard to be nice to each other. I try to do things I know he would like and he does the same for me. You must both be dedicated to the other person's happiness.

I could never cheat on someone. If things are that bad, divorce him. If you want to stay with him, you should not cheat. You will regret it in the future. Before you decide you should cheat, try everything you can to hold things together. You should definitely try counseling again, and tell your husband very clearly what is at stake. You owe it to yourself to try to hold things together. It is possible that he is not understanding your signals and that there is a lot of miscommunication going on in your relationship. Spend the time and energy on this relationship. Based on what you have said, it seems that if you two are not willing to do that, it is over.

The question of what makes those people different is addressed best by Don Henley (as are most of life's questions IMHO).


"So what makes us any different from all the others
Who have tried and failed before us
Maybe nothin, maybe nothin at all
But I pray we're the lucky ones
I pray we'll never fall

To want what we have to take what we're given with grace
For these things I pray on my wedding day"

From http://www.singulartists.com/artist_d/don_henley_lyrics/on_my_wedding_day_lyrics.html

[secretname]

OK, I'll take a turn.  I was all set to leave my marriage so that I could start something new with someone new, and I really had/have it bad for this person.  But I've come to realize from our conversations over the past few months that hu's nowhere near as interested in me as I am in hu.  Because I've realized that if I ever started an affair with hu (our physical contact to date: two greeting hugs), it would last only a short while before hu would lose interest altogether, I'm in the process of giving up the idea of divorce.  But giving up on divorce won't change anything in my marriage.  I will still be unhappy; I will still be unattracted to my spouse.  I'm doing this because my spouse and I have a child.  I could just bring myself to be selfish enough to end my marriage to start something that I imagined would be permanent and wonderful; I can't bring myself to be selfish enough to end my marriage for, what, a couple of rolls in the hay?