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[prytania3]

As the founding member of the fora Lonely Hearts Club, it has come to my attention that there is a need for a new thread having to do with matters of the heart; however, these matters are not Lonely Hearts concerns.

No, no, no. This thread is for people contemplating having affairs, having affairs, or those who have had an affair. It also includes those who may have had or are having nooky with a student. In short, this is for everyone who's doing something that society says you shouldn't be doing.

Change your monikers if you want more anonymity and share your experiences, past or present, here.

This thread is set up as a safe haven. Pontification is discouraged.

[makinmistakes]

As the founding member of the fora Lonely Hearts Club, it has come to my attention that there is a need for a new thread having to do with matters of the heart; however, these matters are not Lonely Hearts concerns.

No, no, no. This thread is for people contemplating having affairs, having affairs, or those who have had an affair. It also includes those who may have had or are having nooky with a student. In short, this is for everyone who's doing something that society says you shouldn't be doing.

Change your monikers if you want more anonymity and share your experiences, past or present, here.

This thread is set up as a safe haven. Pontification is discouraged.

Thank you Pry, I do appreciate it and wasn't trying to hijack your LHT.
Pry, Spork set something up too, so perhaps we should have one deleted? Your post seems to have more guidelines.

Anyway, for those responding to my plea on the lonely hearts thread, any suggestions?

[prytania3]

Maybe you need to repost your situation.

I can't believe no one on this fora has ever stepped out...

[iomhaigh]

makinmistakes... to pick up with the lovin' planning, have you tried things like scavenger hunts where you leave one clue on the doorknob, lead your loved one through a series of clues to find bits and pieces of an evening of fun, and then the final clue is you, naked in the tub, on a beach or in a hotel room? 

Look for ways to combine the interests that you listed on the other thread. 

And then, talk to whomever it was that was mentioning a few pages back on LHC (I think) about the difference between love and the rush of attraction to people who are not good fits.  Someone mentioned having this chat with a therapist -- not sure where. 'Twas good advice and better phrased than this, though.

[makinmistakes]

Hello all, I'm a regular, but have some questions I'd rather not say under my usual moniker.
So, having read the "affairs" theads multiple times, I've gotten myself into a bit of a pickle.
I'm married; hu's married; hu is divorcing (hasn't signed the papers in 1.5  years and is still in love w/ spouse); hu has a significant other, but clearly isn't "into" developing that relationship.

Hu calls me daily, says the best lines I've heard, is attentive, shares deep emotions and personal revelations, and is hot, hot, hot.

I can't get hu out of my mind.

I don't want to divorce, but I want excitement in my life. Passion would be great. I've been w/ my SO for 9 years. We're good together. SO is supportive of my career, will move, and can and does financially support us.
I'm a sh1t. I'm evil. I wish I had an open marriage.

Advice? My bestfriend told me to get my act together and either commit or cut my SO free. I do love my SO; I love my life w/ SO; I'm not "in love" w/ SO. I haven't been in a long, long time.

Somewhat off topic for this thread, but 1) are you married to SO, and 2) are there children involved?

You may have just gotten into a rut with your SO.  I've recommended it elsewhere, I'll recommend it here:  read Dr. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Stay away from hu.  His life is too complicated.  He needs to fish or cut bait.

No children. I would never consider doing anything this stupid if children were involved.
Hu isn't really the problem. I don't see any kind of future w/ hu. Hu is fun and exciting, which will fade. There's not much else to hu that interests me.
That sounds harsh, but it's true.
I'm unhappy really with the daily humdrum life--I'm not content w/ what I've got. Again, harsh, but true.

makinmistakes:

I would also put some effort into reigniting the spark with your SO.  You say you're happy with him and your life with him, so why ruin that for a thrilling rush of adrenaline & emotion?  Play some games within your relationship -- find a way to get yourselves out of your rut.  Vacations?  Chocolate sauce?  Buy a new hot-tub?  Camping trip?  Secluded beach somewhere? 

I'm happy to brainstorm rather than grade exams!  What do you both like?  Not like? 

I'm resisting grading too.
I like a variety of things, depending on my mood. A variety of locations, get-ups, role-playing, degrees of kinkyness. But that's just the "sex."
I also like romantic dinners (also something that "date" has offered), drinks, long walks, biking, hiking, all sorts of athletic activities that are done under the hot sun, (getting steamy--very fun, physically thrilling, visually stimulating, etc.), leaving love notes that plan various activities, etc.
I also like curling up on the couch w/ a glass of wine and an old flick.
other suggestions?
I got the drift, grasshopper, and yeah, the racy stuff has worked to some degree, but not so much. 

I'm trying to "cut and paste" from the other thread, to restate whatever needs said.

[makinmistakes]

makinmistakes... to pick up with the lovin' planning, have you tried things like scavenger hunts where you leave one clue on the doorknob, lead your loved one through a series of clues to find bits and pieces of an evening of fun, and then the final clue is you, naked in the tub, on a beach or in a hotel room? 

Look for ways to combine the interests that you listed on the other thread. 

And then, talk to whomever it was that was mentioning a few pages back on LHC (I think) about the difference between love and the rush of attraction to people who are not good fits.  Someone mentioned having this chat with a therapist -- not sure where. 'Twas good advice and better phrased than this, though.

Hu's not so into the whole scavenger hunt thing.
I've talked to a therapist and that's not really working. I'm depressed and now on meds. Honestly, I'm trying to make each day special and understand that relationships are work, but I'm not sure if it's worth the work.

I'm starting to feel like we're in this b/c we're comfortable w/ ea. other and don't want to do the work to find someone else. Plus our finances are intermixed, and it would be complicated. Though hu loves me very much. Yet we've had the "should we get divorced" conversation a few times.
I don't know. I'm starting to wonder if I'm staying b/c it's the "right" thing to do, or b/c of security. I'm wondering if I'm trading my idea of love (which may be off base) for a mutually beneficial partnership.

Not that this really has anything to do with the decision to cheat. That's for excitement etc, which makes the humdrum more bearable. I certainly don't see the other person as any kind of long-term thing. I wouldn't leave for another person. I'm wondering if I should leave b/c my current relationship isn't working. If cheating --or the desire to do so--is a symptom of other issues.

[iomhaigh]

I'm starting to wonder if I'm staying b/c it's the "right" thing to do, or b/c of security.

I have a dear, dear friend who is sticking around in an otherwise unfulfilling and borderline abusive marriage with a man who is, well, an unstable @sshole, who is staying for this very reason.  It is "right" to stay married.  She is miserable, has been miserable for years, and will be miserable for years to come.  She used to be a gleeful woman.  But, she sees divorce as a sign of weakness and is afraid of not finding anyone else.  Indeed, she got married at the ripe old age of 22 because of that fear. 

At one point, she contemplated an affair because she knew that the affair would cause her husband to file for divorce.  She was fully planning on getting caught.  But, she couldn't bring herself to file for divorce herself, so the affair-plan became a way out.  Of course, she couldn't bring herself to actually have the affair, nor could she bring herself to stage a fake affair.  A number of us, who knew she was too emotionally fragile to actually file for divorce, offered to be the "fake lover."  No go.  I finally talked her into therapy for herself (sans hubby) a few months back.

This is a horrid situation.  I do not know your world enough to know if you're in this same horrid situation, and I'm mostly sharing because I see the world through analogous stories. 

In any case, therapy?  Are you avoiding things?  Will the affair allow you to do what you want to do but are unable to do? 

Random musings.... best wishes.   

[prytania3]

I don't know. I'm starting to wonder if I'm staying b/c it's the "right" thing to do, or b/c of security. I'm wondering if I'm trading my idea of love (which may be off base) for a mutually beneficial partnership.

I can count on my left hand the number of people who are truly in love with their spouses after 10 years. The reality is that most marriages become mutually beneficial partnerships, IF, that is, it's a good marriage. If it's a bad marriage, it becomes dysfunctional chaos. As for staying in a marriage because of security--who in their right mind would even get married except for security?

I think getting a divorce because you are no longer "in love" with the person is often idiotic, especially if you have a house, kids, shared financial assets--getting a divorce is like taking down a business.

In America, everyone gets all bent out of shape about adultery, but someone can get married and divorced 5X and that's just fine. Really--where's the logic? It's evil to have a husband and a paramour, but it's just fine to have 5 husbands? Clinging onto the idea of serial monogamy is irrational thinking.

I cheated on my first husband, and he deserved it. I also divorced him because he was an evil bastard. I didn't cheat on my second husband, but I divorced him, too. In my case, neither were mutually beneficial partnerships.

In any case, if you are considering having an affair, your husband is probably contemplating the same thing.

The fact is that romantic love is an adrenalin rush like no other, and it's hard to contemplate forever living without it.

Prytania,
who has no morals, scruples, or ethics (except when it comes to Wall Street)

[sikora]

Sigh.  I get nuthin' so often I stopped lookin', so ain't misbehavin' either.  I'm so single I don't even qualify for lonely hearts.

But my dog is a great companion!

I'm going up to meet and greet and start a thread about dogs!

Obscure, but still the first dog in space

[afarensis]

My story:

After my wedding, my relationship with my wife became something that was neither beneficial nor a partnership.  We both had careers, but she devoted much more time and energy toward hers than I did mine.  Attempts on my part to raise my concerns about our relationship were unproductive, to say the least.  Also the sex essentially stopped.  I know I'm a guy, and guys are stereotypically the ones who pester their spouses for sex, but prior to getting married sex was never a problem.  After the wedding, it was like sex could only happen on my wife's schedule, which meant hardly ever.

So, two weeks from the end of my last semester in a VAP position I began having sex with an undergrad who was in one of my classes.  She had been sending me signals all semester, she was very bright (one of the top students in the class), and as things turned out, the best sex partner I had ever had.  The affair continued throughout the summer after I had left the university's employment.

I'm sure the student was using me to validate her sense of self-worth in some way, and obviously I was using the student for sex.

As for my marriage, it ended in divorce a few years later, and I'm now much happier being free of it.

[skeletonsincloset]

I posted this before, and will make the same public service announcement on this page. Yes, affairs are probably fun and bring a certain spark, but they are not harmless. If you are in a relationship with an assumption of monogamy and you violate that by having an affair, you can be held liable for damages if you contract an STI and bring it home to your spouse. I know, because my ex cheated and brought something home. Now, he pays my medical expenses (STI related) for the rest of my life and has to pay for a home he no longer owns, but I do. Settlement's a b*tch.

[smurfette]

Well... I have not had an affair (in the sense of cheating on my husband). But when I was in my 20s I was involved in 2 triangle-type situations.   I was young and stupid. Does that count?
The upside was that I realized that I absolutely can't pull off cheating because of the guilt and the lying-- so there's no way I would even consider cheating on my spouse. Well, that and also because I'm happy with him.

[makinmistakes]

Thanks for the thoughts and musings.
Yes, there are assets, but no, no children. I'm still young, have been told I'm hot (though b/c I have a low body-image and in a sense low self-esteem, I doubt this), and have a bright future ahead. Those things I know. I could find someone else, probably lots of someones. But I don't want what's possibly worse or just more of the same. Ahh-yeah, that's part of the security.

I've cheated in the past--had a one-night stand that developed into a f-buddy and had one serious relationship that lasted 6 months.  It was at a very low point in my marriage--I actually asked for a divorce and spouse said lets wait it out. I decided I'd never do it again, not b/c I couldn't, but that I didn't want to risk security. Things got lots better after that--e.g. I went on meds.

I'm back to feeling like I don't exist, that I'm taken for granted, that I'm not able to live up to hu's expectations (body--size/composition).

I also have a high sex drive. I'm often shut-down when I approach the subject.
I talked to spouse today, suggested the trench coat and hooker attire (was told we'd go to jail-geeze), mentioned leaving notes etc. explained that I need something exciting.

I'm frustrated.

[prytania3]

I also have a high sex drive. I'm often shut-down when I approach the subject.
I talked to spouse today, suggested the trench coat and hooker attire (was told we'd go to jail-geeze), mentioned leaving notes etc. explained that I need something exciting.

I'm frustrated.

I'm sorry, but if a guy's not putting out, that a total invitation to go elsewhere.

[makinmistakes]

I also have a high sex drive. I'm often shut-down when I approach the subject.
I talked to spouse today, suggested the trench coat and hooker attire (was told we'd go to jail-geeze), mentioned leaving notes etc. explained that I need something exciting.

I'm frustrated.

I'm sorry, but if a guy's not putting out, that a total invitation to go elsewhere.

Ya think? I'm leaning that way again. I really would rather be in an open-relationship, but spouse was not goin' for it. Hu said that cheating is a deal breaker. Sigh. I do like living w/ hu, but geeze. I'd like it a bit more often.