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[prof_mom]

I have a trailing partner. He moved across the country when I got my tt job. I am lucky because bigdaddy is not an academic, so he did not really have to give up his career. He gave up a management position, but can work from home for the most part. He is confident enough in who he is to "follow me around" as he likes to say.

I have been amazed at the insensitive comments from "friends" and family. People say things about the man following the woman around, and him giving up his career all the time. I imagine that this could cause problems if he had given up his job for the move.

I suggest you see a counselor to make sure this doesn't harm your marriage. If you opt not to go to counseling, make sure you talk about all the issues and tell each other how you are feeling. Try not to take it personally if he feels "less manly" because he followed you. There are lots of stereotypes out there against men who are supported by women, and people will say mean things to him when you are not around.

I know this didn't help, but my thoughts are with you. I hope you find a way to make it work and to be happy.

[mccfan]

My spouse was still working on his dissertation when I took my first job.  He trailed and wrote in city of my employment.  It led to soem tension, but it was less gender based than dissertation-stress, plus the fact that he was working in the in home office and I was working at the office office (dirty dishes in sink bothered him b/c he could see them and I could have cared les sb/c I couldn't see them).  It may also have helped that he had supported me financially (he did consulting work through grad school) during the last 8 months I was working on my diss.  So we looked at it as taking turns.  I got denied tenure and he got a full time gig, then a high administrative post.  I found a low prestige but pleasant enough SLAC within driving distance of our house.  I might have been able to find a higher flying job, but I confined my search to commutable distances.  All in all, a lot of turn taking with us.

Spouse did ask me, the first time his academic salary surpassd mine, if that would bother me.  This suggested that perhaps my haing made more money before had bothered him.  But my answer was "hell, no, it's more money."

[lux__]

I love this thread. It's terrific.

[zharkov]

Maybe buy him some power tools? 

This could pass pretty quickly if he finds meaningful work in Dreamland. Keep focused on the positives.

As an aside, my mom thinks this whole issue exists is because men are simply weaker than women.  Women have had to suck it up for their husbands' careers for eons.

Absolutely true.

I'm with women are stronger. Hillary will be our first woman president, and Bush our last male. 

OP, send the old man to one of those men's weekends where they play drums and stuff.

[pink_]

I love this thread. It's terrific.

seconded.
fingers are crossed for all.

[sibyl]

It's clearly a wounded ego, which requires some tending regardless of the gender.  You might try strategies such as "I'm sure it will be different once you've finished."

Gender comes into play when you're dealing with social expectations.  The stereotype that The Man makes the money and has the dominant career while The Woman makes less money and makes sacrifices in her career is still prevalent in this society.  If it actually holds true that you remain the engine and he is the caboose, then either your man is going to have to cowboy up and learn to laugh off the narrow minds and short sights of others, or he's going to feel crushed in the relationship.  (I suppose for completeness' sake I should note that some women voluntarily go from engine to caboose in order to preserve the relationship, but I don't endorse this option.)

I say tend his ego now, but keep your guard up to deal with this issue during your year together, using whatever tools you find useful.  (Some people advocate therapy or counseling, though I've found honest communication to be enough.)  If it seems over the next several months that he's going to be able to handle being the caboose, then that bodes well for a potential marriage.  Proceed carefully, and good luck.

[john_proctor]

Some thoughts from someone (a guy) who has seen the issue fairly close?

There may be some ego hit, but it need not be gender related (though, the cultural steriotypes that will come up will re-surface or resurrect the angst).  It may well arise from the fact that MANY academics (particularly publishing academics) are, to a degree, competative people and somewhat ego driven.

I'd say it was the "you got an offer and I didn't" more than the gender roles.  That said, again, the atypical gender division will occasionally make the subject of the dispairity in employment (read: external measure of "success" or "skill") arise (which I think is the major issue).

Instead of treating him like yet-another-male-ego-bruised, why not take the full notion of gender equity seriously and treat it like a-serious-scholar-unsure and feeling second tier (a feeling we can all relate to from time to time).  Help  your partner focus on: publication, professional societies, and "lasting" work (verses the immediate validation of a tenure track job).

I'd say that reflects what he might be worried about.  Gender issues here, I think, are collateral at best.  He's imagining himself walking away from tenure (perhaps, also, at the subconsious level aware that he's actually not really ever been offered it) to support you (either from "love" or feminism or some combination of the two). 

That's going to bite you both in the arse within a few years.

He needs to be able to put down or put away tenure hopes because he realizes: a. he doesn't want it; b. he doesn't "need" it; c. he might not be someone who some sc's want to tenure (and that ain't always a bad thing, either).

[englitprof]

Instead of treating him like yet-another-male-ego-bruised, why not take the full notion of gender equity seriously and treat it like a-serious-scholar-unsure and feeling second tier (a feeling we can all relate to from time to time).  Help  your partner focus on: publication, professional societies, and "lasting" work (verses the immediate validation of a tenure track job).

I think you're right, j_p.  The real issue, in my experience, is the damage to one's self esteem that is so prevalent in the academic job market, regardless of whether one is part of an academic couple or not.  After all, a PhD represents a great deal of intellectual and psychological investment.  There is a deep, debilitating sense of "I wasn't good enough" that is very difficult to get past so as to focus positively on future forays into the market.