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[literarylady]

Not another two body problem career strategy query, but rather a two body problem emotional experience question:
This year, I had a very good first run on the market and was offered a Dream job.  My partner, in the same discipline but different field, had a similar number of interviews, but does not seem to have gotten a job (it is his 2nd run).  Dream U has a package for me that will allow him to be affiliated and teach good stuff while remarketing, which is particularly attractive to us because, in addition to getting to live together, we are excited to live in Dream U town, where we have family ties etc.  Given the dreaminess, my partner is already talking a little wistfully about potentially ultimately giving up on his own national search.

At the same time, he has taken to making a number of comments that suggest to me a little bit of wounded male ego (ie: "you're my meal ticket" "i'm riding your coat-tails" etc), and he is feeling a depressed about the market, which is impacting his self-image and sex drive.  He's a bona fide feminist and really chides me for the slightest adherence to domestic gender roles etc, and so maybe I'm just projecting, but I am concerned that it will in the long run make him feel bad if I have more career success.  I am aware that this sounds very simplistic and essentialist - I am sorry for that, but I suppose it's how I feel.   

I'm sure that women deal with this all the time in general, though I am particularly curious about it in the academic world, where work is so very much wrapped up with our sense of ethics, self, etc.  Can anyone share their personal wisdom or experiences with communicating effectively about or coping with this gendered dynamic of the academic market?   

       

[cronopio]

Tough situation. I think the only way to deal with it is name it, talk about it, be supportive and empathic (it DOES suck, whether one has a male ego, female ego, or hu ego). He should be encouraged to discover and pursue his own dreams, which may look different from the ones he's had in the past.

I hope he also finds buds to talk with who can help put the situation in perspective.

To the 'meal ticket' comment, I'd always respond, "we're a couple. whether you make more bread or I do, it's shared. I consider all our labors joint labors." etc.

[venerablefemme]

How come no one ever worries about a female ego?

If you have to spend a lot of time catering to his ego, and calling him a feminist because he chides you and makes you fit his notion of gender roles . . .

You've got a male ego here, not a feminist.

See this:

http://chronicle.com/jobs/news/2003/04/2003042101c/careers.html

[tenured_feminist]

It is good that he is expressing this instead of keeping it completely bottled up, but this is a major issue.  You need to work through this very thoroughly together, because it's quite possible that he will never have his dream job if he stays with you, given the vicissitudes of life when one is trying to resolve a dual career dilemma.

I hate to be cold, but you need to help him understand that he cannot undermine you if the relationship is going to work.  If his suppressed resentment, ego injury, and jealousy issues cannot be resolved successfully, this relationship cannot work.  Further, all of these issues, if suppressed, will damage his capacity to build himself up sufficiently to be competitive in the academic world.

If he can work through it, the first thing to do when you settle in at Dream U is to find him a good mentor who will be invested in him and be his friend first.  You likely can't help him and fight for him directly, but if he has his own independent champion, he is likely to be a lot happier and more successful.

Trust me on this -- I've been through this myself and have spent a lot of time talking to others in the same boat.  I'd say on average (though there are many, many exceptions in both directions in opposite sex couples), it is emotionally harder for straight men to trail.

[jammer]

My spouse is the trailing (male) spouse and I worry about this too.  Although he trailed after three years as a VAP at a better school and won a job here legitimately (in the sense that it wasn't a spousal hire but a tenure line that opened because of a sudden retirement), I think it was hard on his ego.  He'll always wonder how much effect I had on his getting the job.

It's important that you're encouraging, of course, but I'm sure that you'll be that anyway.  Interestingly, I think it's important that your spouse makes his own academic friends in your new town.  My spouse made great new friends at new faculty orientation and this allowed him to feel like a legitimate part of what he could have considered "my" world.  I'd also really encourage him to publish like mad, which will also make him feel legit on his own, as opposed to an appendage of you (and your success).  And publishing like mad can only help on the market if you two decide to go it again.

As an aside, my mom thinks this whole issue exists is because men are simply weaker than women.  Women have had to suck it up for their husbands' careers for eons.  Now it's their turn.  But that's another thread :)

[larryc]

Maybe buy him some power tools? 

This could pass pretty quickly if he finds meaningful work in Dreamland. Keep focused on the positives.

As an aside, my mom thinks this whole issue exists is because men are simply weaker than women.  Women have had to suck it up for their husbands' careers for eons.

Absolutely true.

[mignon]

I'm the employed half of a two-PhD couple, and it's been that way for a decade.  It's been very tough.  But I'm not sure it's a male/female issue; all of us academics have fragile egos, and the system of constant evaluation doesn't make things any easier.  I say:  be sympathetic and let him rant a bit.  Consider how you would feel in the same situation.  (I am a woman, btw.  And my husband raised 3 babies--a thankless job, for which he deserves endless cultural and monetary capital!)  Our marriage has survived, but not always thrived.

It's not easy for anyone, but esp. not for a trailing spouse of either gender.

[dark_globe]

Maybe buy him some power tools? 

Or a Hummer. I saw a commercial the other day, they really work.

Seriously, I think the notion that his "male" ego is hurting is sexist. All ambitious people, male and female, judge themselves by their career success. When my wife was having trouble finding a job she often made comments similar to those made by the OP's husband.

It's not the husband who is falling into a "traditional" reaction, but the OP who is interpreting his behavior according to the "traditional" paradigm.

<puts on crash helmet>

[manicpanic]

Dark globe, I agree.  I have often put husband's location and career first and I have said similar things to him. Not nice, not appropriate but I have. Not a zillion times, but a few. Sometimes I have resented giving up my opportunities for his. And, in my opinion, this cannot last. I mean the marriage may survive but it will not thrive unless your partner finds his own identity. So, his publishing like crazy and then landing a job together OR staying apart for a year or two in different jobs until you find something good together is actually a better prescription for success than staying in the say house but on different wavelengths.
I am trying the latter route as we speak so wish me good luck and success! Good luck to you!

[dark_globe]

I am trying the latter route as we speak so wish me good luck and success! Good luck to you!

Good luck to you. And to you too, literarylady. Despite my five cent analysis, I understand this is a formidable problem.

A few years ago a male acquaintance of mine failed to find a job. I asked him what he was going to do. He shrugged his shoulders, smiled, and said, "sponge off the wife for a year!"

Now that's a healthy attitude!

[larryc]

Maybe buy him some power tools? 

Or a Hummer. I saw a commercial the other day, they really work.

Yeah a hummer would be good too.  Not the car though.

[smurfette]

OR staying apart for a year or two in different jobs until you find something good together is actually a better prescription for success than staying in the say house but on different wavelengths.
I am trying the latter route as we speak so wish me good luck and success! Good luck to you!

Good luck manicpanic!  I too am trying the later route. Every couple has to do what works for them. For some couples, living apart is out of the question. For others, like us, the lead-lag trailing thing was not going to work (practically and emotionally), and we knew that distance would be a lesser poison to our marriage than resentment (again, this is my case, not judging what others decide). 

Either way, trailing, living apart, etc etc it's a tough situation for academics and I'm glad to have the support of this forum.

[comp_queen]

Either way, trailing, living apart, etc etc it's a tough situation for academics and I'm glad to have the support of this forum.

I agree wholeheartedly.  My SO (also an academic) and I aren't even engaged yet, but we want to be in the future, and he got really depressed the other day when I got merely an INTERVIEW in Moderately Far Away City.  Very few people outside academia REALLY get this, and I'm glad to have the forumites too.

To SO's credit he apologized later and has been nothing but supportive since, but I was a little hurt because I'm willing to put family before career and move with him if he's the one who gets a better offer. 

Also, those who state that this isn't just an academic problem are correct.  One reason SO worries about following my career is that he followed his first wife's (non-academic) career and that marriage ended badly. 

So misery loves company and thanks to all the forumites!

[cc_alan]

Maybe buy him some power tools? 

Or a Hummer. I saw a commercial the other day, they really work.

Yeah a hummer would be good too.  Not the car though.

*cough*

Oh, my... not that disagree with you...

Alan

[comp_queen]

Either way, trailing, living apart, etc etc it's a tough situation for academics and I'm glad to have the support of this forum.

I agree wholeheartedly.  My SO (also an academic) and I aren't even engaged yet, but we want to be in the future, and he got really depressed the other day when I got merely an INTERVIEW in Moderately Far Away City.  Very few people outside academia REALLY get this, and I'm glad to have the forumites too.

To SO's credit he apologized later and has been nothing but supportive since, but I was a little hurt because I'm willing to put family before career and move with him if he's the one who gets a better offer. 

Also, those who state that this isn't just an academic problem are correct.  One reason SO worries about following my career is that he followed his first wife's (non-academic) career and that marriage ended badly. 

So misery loves company and thanks to all the forumites!