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[brunhilde]

I was wearing a wedding ring when the person asked me if I had a boyfriend.

Well, from the ring they could infer that you are married.  That doesn't necessarily address the boyfriend question ...

LOL.  My husband said I should have answered, "No boyfriend, no fiance." That would be the truth.

[clara]

This situation can be especially awkward if you're gay or lesbian, because I think we are conditioned to keep our professional and personal lives more separate than many straight people do. At least that's the case with those of us between, say, 35 and 45-we may have come out in the 90's when it became fashionable to do so, but we remember the 80's (I was in high school) and that shaped us too. We just might not talk about your personal life as readily staight people are expected to. That doesn't mean I'm a closed or ungenerous person,I just want my privacy respected until I've known someone for more than 5 minutes.

It is so true that some SC members, knowingly or not, are simply looking, as a previous poster said, for duplications of themselves. The code word for this is "fit," and they think, "will a lesbian fit in here, where we're mostly married men with children?" and so forth. This makes us uncomfortable. I mean, as job candidates we are already on display, non-stop, for 12 hours at a time, being scrutinized for our knowledge, communication skills, conversation skills, wit, and all else. Do we really have to be so explicitly tested on whether we can get along with married fathers? The answer, in my case, is usually "yes." I love kids. But this really adds stress to the interview, in addition to obviously being illegal. And don't worry about whether I'd want to move to a rural area-let me decide that if I have the chance.

Interviewing for my current job several years ago, the dean actually said (after asking "do you have any issues with moving here?") "I don't want to get personal, but I noticed you're wearing a ring. Would your partner be willing to move here." This was after the lunch with faculty, where current colleague asked "are you married." This resulted in an awkward silence and cringing from the younger ones, who later apologized profusely for hu. I just went with it and answered honestly, then tried to make everyone comfortable. In a way, I don't blame the dean for asking (though I did at the time) because hu has lost several faculty members over the two-body issues since then. But it shows an incredible insensitivity to people who may not want to discuss their personal lives, not just gays and lesbians. What if the candidate is in the middle of an ugly divorce? What if the candidate is recently widowed, or has a seriously ill spouse who has been given three months to live? The same applies to the question of children. I understand why you're curious, but show some sensitivity.

So far it's turned out well for me here, but as I approach the tenure review and am in that narrow "advanced assistant prof" window where it's good to consider other opportunities, it's always a debate I have with myself: should I wear the ring? How will I respond to the questions? I went to an interview last year where it didn't come up, and that was so refreshing. The professionalism of that committee was beyond reproach and left a lasting warm impression with me even though I didn't get the offer.

[mrhistory]

Thank you Clara

What you say is what many of us feel no matter what our personal situation.  Sometimes I'd like to say:
I'm an adult, I applied for the job knowing where east/west/central U is located on a map and what "rural" means.  Visiting is supposed to make that a reality so make your case for the U, the community and its resources. I can sort them out and if I have a question that can't be answered via the multitude of websites dedicated to everything from the grain co-op to the chamber of commerce, state school rankings for k-12, the yellow pages in the motel room or the local newspaper, I'll ask. Usually most of this is more appropriate for the post-offer/pre-decision phase anyway.    I appreciate your opeing lines of conversation that I can pick up if I am interested but not the intrusive personal questions.

It isn't a matter of legalities, its a matter of good manners. And, while Asst Prof X is enthusing about pre-schools and being generous, if he's really thinking, he *knows* that his colleague to his right has a propensity for making decisions on "fit" or "willingness to stay" based on his assumptions about answers to personal questions. And, that it is better not to raise specifics that the candidate can and likely will only answer in the most general ways in the limited conversation.

I know that most people think of me as terribly "open" and I am within limits. I don't care for over-familiarity and some of the questions I've gotten about personal things from what are strangers are things that more well-known acquaintances are hesitant to ask.

Every time I see some newbie-candidate post that such questions are "benign" and "welcoming" I cringe.  Many are not or at best they aren't taking into account who else is sitting there and what their little biases are. At my state U and those I know, we are given explicit instructions on what we cannot ask. Those who violate those basic instructions are usually looking for a "fit" that is inappropriate in terms of hiring a scholar but are what you use to find yourself someone to hang out with.

(can you tell I had one of those conversations this weekend with a colleague? You'd be right. He's genuinely "friendly" alright but really only wants to see the dept "grow" in a way that makes him socially comfortable. A wonderful guy, but  plain wrong in my opinion.)

[athena1]

I was asked by no fewer than 3 people whether or not I had children on my last interview. They did know better. My SO said that if they reject me, I should say, "Oh I'm really disappointed you don't want to hire me because I have children." LOL.

[infopri]

I'm curious.  Most of the children-related discussion here seems to focus on the desire to hold back the information that the candidate has children, presumably to avoid the possibility that the SC might then see the candidate as somehow less committed or less available to the department.  This makes perfect sense to me, although I would point out that some SCs might see the presence of a family as making a candidate more stable, less likely to hop from one job to another, etc.

Here's my question, though:  I have no children and do not plan ever to have any.  Not only do I honestly answer the question when it comes up in interviews, I tend to emphasize it when the situation calls for it.  For example, a job I recently interviewed for required some night and weekend hours on top of a standard M-F, 9-5 work week.  I volunteered that these odd hours would be no problem, as I had no children waiting at home.

Am I wrong to do this?

[athena1]

Here's my question, though:  I have no children and do not plan ever to have any.  Not only do I honestly answer the question when it comes up in interviews, I tend to emphasize it when the situation calls for it.  For example, a job I recently interviewed for required some night and weekend hours on top of a standard M-F, 9-5 work week.  I volunteered that these odd hours would be no problem, as I had no children waiting at home.

Am I wrong to do this?

I don't think so. I've been on a couple of SCs and wouldn't think the lack of children to be a problem (or having children either).

[infopri]

Am I wrong to do this?

I don't think so. I've been on a couple of SCs and wouldn't think the lack of children to be a problem (or having children either).

I didn't mean "wrong" in the sense of "will this hurt me?"  I volunteer the information, obviously, because I think it will help me.  What I meant was, am I doing other applicants, and the hiring process in general, a disservice with my willingness to answer a question that the SC shouldn't be asking.

[athena1]

Am I wrong to do this?

I don't think so. I've been on a couple of SCs and wouldn't think the lack of children to be a problem (or having children either).

I didn't mean "wrong" in the sense of "will this hurt me?"  I volunteer the information, obviously, because I think it will help me.  What I meant was, am I doing other applicants, and the hiring process in general, a disservice with my willingness to answer a question that the SC shouldn't be asking.

Nah. I actually do answer when asked. I think not answering would probably be more off-putting than saying, yes, I have 2 kids. At that point on my most recent interview, most of the ppl I'd talked to had children anyway, so I couldn't imagine it would be that much of a put-off.

The problem isn't so much them asking the question or you answering, it's whether or not their decisions are biased b/c of their opinions related to your answers. WHere I am we have a person on the SC specifically to make sure those kinds of questions aren't asked and those discussions don't take place when voting -- if they do, the search can be called off. Now, that doesn't stop ppl from asking when they have you at a less formal event. . .