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[fiona]

Gold PLATED is impossibly tacky. Send real gold or don't send any at all. Don't make us think you are a tasteless boor raised behind the barn where they were tattooing the cows.

Most search committees will accept ingots or gold bars. Coins are too much trouble.

The Fiona

I've decided to come out against stapling.

I've found some lovely *gold plated* (yes!) paperclips today at Staples.  I think this will show a SC just how much I value them, their potential job for me and that I'm willing to shell out that extra two bucks.

But, that's just me---always willing to go that extra superficial mile for a job!

[aandsdean]

But solid-gold staples are so weak, Fiona.

And I don't think I've ever even BEEN in a barn.  I tattoo my cows in an office.

[crazybatlady]

LOL!  I love this thread.

When it finally dies, I hope someone links it to the Job-Seeking FAQ wiki.

[case_insensitive]

But solid-gold staples are so weak, Fiona.

And I don't think I've ever even BEEN in a barn.  I tattoo my cows in an office.

Gee, I didn't know you were dean at a cow college...

[dr_evil]

But solid-gold staples are so weak, Fiona.

I have a preference for platinum, myself.  Or sometimes californium for West Coast schools.

[aandsdean]

But solid-gold staples are so weak, Fiona.

And I don't think I've ever even BEEN in a barn.  I tattoo my cows in an office.

Gee, I didn't know you were dean at a cow college...

I have several time been surrounded by cows but have no connection with a cow college except as a source of "blanks" for my CV.  I get them from the local land-grant U.

[undisciplined]

Any real southerner can tell PLATE from sterling at a glance. My paperclips are sterling. In my pattern.

[anthroid]

I am impossibly confused.  I can understand how a cow would fall under Institutional Animal.  Cows are often institutionalized, particularly after having been stapled with patterned sterling metals outlined in blue triangles.

But rhinoceroses (rhincecri?  -ae?) are "exotic" animals and more likely to go into culture shock, especially if yellow staples are applied in a triangular pattern while attaching a cv for a stateside school, even a cow college (MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!). 

I think it might be better to eliminate the use of actual livestock whilst sending a cv and perhaps attach it via papier mache to a cut-out animal on one of those pieces of plywood mentioned earlier.  There would be less blood, for one thing.

[psychle]

I think it might be better to eliminate the use of actual livestock whilst sending a cv and perhaps attach it via papier mache to a cut-out animal on one of those pieces of plywood mentioned earlier.  There would be less blood, for one thing.

For some reason this makes me think of having a CV piñata...

[mrhistory]

I think it might be better to eliminate the use of actual livestock whilst sending a cv and perhaps attach it via papier mache to a cut-out animal on one of those pieces of plywood mentioned earlier.  There would be less blood, for one thing.

For some reason this makes me think of having a CV piñata...

Yes, a cv pinata....a new way for search committees to do that all-important first sort of applications.  Well, its likely as random a technique as some use now and has the added advantage of being a potentially colorful ritual.

[anthroid]

I think it might be better to eliminate the use of actual livestock whilst sending a cv and perhaps attach it via papier mache to a cut-out animal on one of those pieces of plywood mentioned earlier.  There would be less blood, for one thing.

For some reason this makes me think of having a CV piñata...

Not a bad idea, psychle.  Make that SC work a little harder.  Now, would you include candies--say, jelly beans or hard sweets--along with the teaching philosophy, reference letters, and writing samples contained within the CV pinata?  And would you include a bat with the application (there is all of this wood floating around lately, it seems) or require the SC to purchase a gen-u-whine Louieville Slugger from your personal website?

I think the entrepeneurial possibilities for a CV-pinata business are endless.  

[outlier]

I think it might be better to eliminate the use of actual livestock whilst sending a cv and perhaps attach it via papier mache to a cut-out animal on one of those pieces of plywood mentioned earlier.  There would be less blood, for one thing.

For some reason this makes me think of having a CV piñata...

Not a bad idea, psychle.  Make that SC work a little harder.  Now, would you include candies--say, jelly beans or hard sweets--along with the teaching philosophy, reference letters, and writing samples contained within the CV pinata?  And would you include a bat with the application (there is all of this wood floating around lately, it seems) or require the SC to purchase a gen-u-whine Louieville Slugger from your personal website?

I think the entrepeneurial possibilities for a CV-pinata business are endless. 

Oh, not jelly beans. That would just kill a candidacy. If you didn't use Jelly Belly you'd be seen as impossibly cheap, and if you did, then you couldn't avoid all the potential pitfalls. Buttered popcorn or no? Some people love it, and others hate it. Coffee flavored? Licorice? Chocolate? Coconut? There's just no way to avoid offending everyone, and if you somehow managed it you'd be too bland to stand out in any way to the search committee. If you're supposed to avoid controversy for your first few years on the faculty, you sure don't want to mire yourself in this kind of mess as you apply for a position!

No, the tatooed cow is definitely a safer bet.

[voxprincipalis]

Any real southerner can tell PLATE from sterling at a glance. My paperclips are sterling. In my pattern.

Undisciplined, I see many new marketing opportunities here.

"Know someone who's married to their job? Celebrate their union with the new Staples gift registry! Well-meaning friends and family may purchase items in the pattern and with the engraving specified by the lucky job-seeker! Items available in the designated pattern include:
-- paper clips
-- staples
-- business card cases (unless you are getting them from the LOVELY people at http://www.business-gifts-supplier.co.uk -- by the way, I LOVE my case)
-- pushpins
-- staple removers
-- safety pins
-- Post-Its
... and many more!"

Personally, I spring for the few extra bucks to have a white-gloved butler distribute my CV to the search committee, one page at a time. Then I need neither staples nor paper clips. I sent my CV on a cow once, but the SC was vegan so they returned the cow. I didn't know what to do with her, so I had to put her on my lease. Hey Elsie! Can I have a glass of milk? Thanks. Mmmm..... warm milk.

VP

[limeorchid]

Ok, I really did have my CV delivered attached to two boxes of pizza once. One was meat lovers, the other veggie.

This worked wonders. I question anyone out there who has an opinion on the matter, how would this go over in academia? I was applying for a position as a nurse in a competitive area (they do exist, even with the shortage).

VP, the butler idea is great. I am such an oddball that I may use it someday.

Singing telegram?

I guess you have to research the place you are sending your CV and see if they have a sence of humor. All nurses want food.

You may want to remember this if you find yourself or a loved one in the hospital. One pizza and the nurses will swoon.

[anon99]

You send in your CVs?  I just showed up at the Dean's door and asked for the keys to my office ;)