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[qrypt]

Since I am in music, I sing my CV into a microphone and send an mp3 of it.

Alternately, I compose it using only the letters A through G and write it out on a musical staff.

VP

Well, if you're still writing music with only the letters A through G, no wonder you're not getting any interviews!  My application letters for music positions are three-dimensional, just like my innovative scores, which use the full range of notes, including the newest ones (۞, ǿ, ♀, and €). 

The 3-D thing does make it kind of hard to use staples, though. 

[anthroid]

Limeorchid, I know it's unintentional, but your post's misspellings are classic and very funny:  get a "vile" of blood, put it on my "alter," and then rub things on my "gentiles."  I personally don't have any gentiles, as I probably am an agnostic (go see that thread), but I would agree that sending my blood would be vile and would alter reality in a frightening way!

[francie_]

Then, staple. Neatly as close to the top left corner that you can. Rub it on your gentiles thinking of all the nights you passed up because you were doing research.

[Francie spewing coffee keyboard]

Anthroid, I'm sure "your gentiles" is not a typo.  Everyone knows that rubbing it on "your jewels" is bad luck.

After further consideration of the suggestions made here, I think attaching the CV to the SC chair's head using a nail gun is the best option to the staple/no staple dilemma.

Mr. Francie has a meeting soon with his dean about chairing a search committee.  I dared him to ask for clarification of the staple/no staple question.  Since they are engineers, they may have some innovative fastening techniques we in the humanities can only dream about.

[sibyl]

Mr. Francie has a meeting soon with his dean about chairing a search committee.  I dared him to ask for clarification of the staple/no staple question.  Since they are engineers, they may have some innovative fastening techniques we in the humanities can only dream about.

A friend of mine, who is an engineer, told me his secret.  He does not staple his CVs, of course.  He develops schematic drawings for new fastening methods.  If he really wants the job, he builds working minatures of the new methods. 

I'm a humanist, so I adapted this method very slightly.  Rather than building new fasteners, I develop theoretical methods of fastening.  Then I invite the SC to use one or more theoretical approaches to inform their own fastening style.  This process achieves three things.  It gives a very personal example of my teaching style.  It demonstrates my ability to use new technology.  And it manifests my ability to think outside the box.

[psychle]

My CV is inscribed on a grain of rice.

[psychle]

Before that, it was in the form of a menu. Search committees could pick what they liked about me.

[psychle]

And sometimes I fold my CV into a paper airplane as a way of encouraging search committees to fly me over for an interview.

(This is fun)

[doctormommy]

I prefer to use chemicals that are absorbed through the skin, just in case they have a stuffy nose - it is cold season.

Oh that's a good idea. For my next application I'm going to dip my cv into a specially customized narcotic that is absorbed through the skin and makes them dream about my research plan and teaching philosophy. Maybe I'll throw in a couple of treats that will guarantee they wake up happy.

[drfreud]

After further consideration of the suggestions made here, I think attaching the CV to the SC chair's head using a nail gun is the best option to the staple/no staple dilemma.

realfrancie, I use the Vulcan Mind Meld.  Much less invasive, unless you believe lobotomizing the SC chair may improve your chances of getting hired.

[outlier]

I always duct tape my CV to a small rodent

Duct tape? I always thought it was duck tape!

I print my application materials on rice paper with edible ink. Food for thought.

Of course, in that case it is dangerous and therefore counterproductive to staple the materials. In fact, the box the staples come in has this explicit warning:

WARNING. STAPLES ARE NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION.

So whether you should staple your CV depends entirely on whether you intend the search committee to eat your words.

[mrhistory]

I will no longer send a so-called "c.v." or a "cover letter"
I have my standards! If they want to hire me, let them do the research on the web to *find* me, discern my qualifications and then, I would like them to wait by the phone to see if I call them back for an interview with *me.*

Who do these people think they are with their "jobs" ? They should know who I am and understand the vast potential in hiring a proto-star like me. Some may call my "demands" before accepting employment "insane" but that is a value judgment you have no business making. I should be "courted" like the special applicant I am. That's just the bottom line.

oops, time for my meds! bye!

[aandsdean]

I will no longer send a so-called "c.v." or a "cover letter"
I have my standards! If they want to hire me, let them do the research on the web to *find* me, discern my qualifications and then, I would like them to wait by the phone to see if I call them back for an interview with *me.*

Who do these people think they are with their "jobs" ? They should know who I am and understand the vast potential in hiring a proto-star like me. Some may call my "demands" before accepting employment "insane" but that is a value judgment you have no business making. I should be "courted" like the special applicant I am. That's just the bottom line.

oops, time for my meds! bye!

Mr. H, I expect to hear from you soon about how mean and unprofessional those search committees are for not letting you know when you're no longer in contention....

[flyguy]

I always duct tape my CV to a small rodent

Duct tape? I always thought it was duck tape!

It's both.  The story I heard is that this stuff was originally developed during WWII as a waterproof tape for military applications.  Because when the stuff was used the water ran off of it like water running off a ducks back, the name Duck Tape took.  Later, folks found that the stuff could be used for all types of applications, like sealing duct work in heating and cooling applications.  In of the great ironies of our time, Duct tape is now regarded as one of the worst things to use to seal duct work (it dries out and falls apart).
It IS excellent for attaching CVs to small rodents, trust me.

[mrhistory]

I will no longer send a so-called "c.v." or a "cover letter"
I have my standards! If they want to hire me, let them do the research on the web to *find* me, discern my qualifications and then, I would like them to wait by the phone to see if I call them back for an interview with *me.*

Who do these people think they are with their "jobs" ? They should know who I am and understand the vast potential in hiring a proto-star like me. Some may call my "demands" before accepting employment "insane" but that is a value judgment you have no business making. I should be "courted" like the special applicant I am. That's just the bottom line.

oops, time for my meds! bye!

Mr. H, I expect to hear from you soon about how mean and unprofessional those search committees are for not letting you know when you're no longer in contention....

Oh you will Dean, you will.  Under a wide variety of usernames on this and other fora but I promise you I will complain bitterly.

[doctormommy]

I agree Mr. History. If they're going to be called "search" committee they should be SEARCHING! We're making it too easy by identifying ourselves as interested applicants.

Why do they call them "search" committees anyway? Wouldn't it be more grammatically accurate if they were called "having a contest to see who can make the best paper airplane out of applicant's cv" committees?

I can, however, guarantee that my application materials make the best paper airplanes. Even without the duct tape.