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[fiona]

Sealing wax with sparkles is so last year. This year everyone we interviewed used sequins.

Get with the program, already.

The Fiona

A simple and elegant way is to fold the CV diagonally down about 1/3 of the way and affix it with sealing wax. Use a color like red with gold sparkles. Then get a stamp that says something like "Pick me" or just "me, me."

Don't listen to these other people. They are just trying to mess with you. Really this is the way everyone who gets a job actually does it.

[prytania3]

Sealing wax with sparkles is so last year. This year everyone we interviewed used sequins.

Get with the program, already.

The Fiona

A simple and elegant way is to fold the CV diagonally down about 1/3 of the way and affix it with sealing wax. Use a color like red with gold sparkles. Then get a stamp that says something like "Pick me" or just "me, me."

Don't listen to these other people. They are just trying to mess with you. Really this is the way everyone who gets a job actually does it.

Humph. Like classic ever goes out of style.

[the_crushinator]

I don't see the method I have used so here it is.  I use a pneumatic nailer to affix my CV to a 4' x 8' piece of plywood.  I am careful to sand the edges (to reduce splinters, and to give it that "woody" smell).  The nice thing about this is that if they toss my CV, they can still use the plywood for other purposes.  For instance,

deflecting attempted mackerel slapping

using it as a means of escape to glide out a window during faculty meetings (only works for multistory
buildings)

place it in the opening of their door, so you can continue to have an "open door policy" with students without having to actually see any of them

lay it across a set of books and you've got an inexpensive table top or lab bench (useful for State schools)

paint the image of a really good job candidate on it (who turned you down) and introduce it to everyone as the new Assistant Professor.  Nice thing is that the Dean probably won't notice

I know it’s working because I once got a letter of rejection with a note at the bottom that read,

"Thank you so much for the plywood.  We are hoping your method of application catches on so we can afford to finish our renovations. 
Sincerely,
Asistant Professor P. Wood"

[chracatoa]

Nonsense. I usually find out where the SC chair lives, drop by hus house and ask hu directly (to show how bold I am). Don't forget the bug-eyed stare, it shows them you care.

[the_crushinator]

Nonsense. I usually find out where the SC chair lives, drop by hus house and ask hu directly (to show how bold I am). Don't forget the bug-eyed stare, it shows them you care.

And stay on the porch, even after they close the door (just staring at the door).  When the police arrive, tell them you live there.  When the cop suggests they take you to see a "nice doctor" ask if you can drive.

[science_expat]

The direct approach is good but in my opinion the options presented here are too late in the search process.

My recommendation is to determine in which pubs the SC members generally drink and start hanging out there before the application deadline.

Start chatting up one or more of the SCms in the pub and ply hu (hum?) with drink. Repeat as necessary. A night or two prior to the application deadine - press CV on hu with the last page detailing their (unpaid) share of the bar bill.

[anthroid]

You're all amateurs.  The sealing wax is a good idea, pry, and adding sequins is very hip, very with-it, very now, The Fiona, but everyone has forgotten the most important part.

Pheromones.

Better living through chemistry.  I'm tellin' ya, those darlin' little smell molecules have gotten me more jobs than I can shake a cv-nailed-to-a-piece-of-plywood at.

And the crushinator's pneumatic nailer is particularly useful for those oh-so-important in-person rejections.  Ouch!  :~)

[csguy]

What I normally do is fill out the offer letter with terms I approve of and then accept (or reject as the case may be). Why bother with all this application nonsense.

[dr_evil]

You're all amateurs.  The sealing wax is a good idea, pry, and adding sequins is very hip, very with-it, very now, The Fiona, but everyone has forgotten the most important part.

Pheromones.

Better living through chemistry.  I'm tellin' ya, those darlin' little smell molecules have gotten me more jobs than I can shake a cv-nailed-to-a-piece-of-plywood at.

And the crushinator's pneumatic nailer is particularly useful for those oh-so-important in-person rejections.  Ouch!  :~)

I prefer to use chemicals that are absorbed through the skin, just in case they have a stuffy nose - it is cold season.

[flyguy]

I prefer to use chemicals that are absorbed through the skin, just in case they have a stuffy nose - it is cold season.

Is this your preferred way of assassination too?  Guess it has a multitude of uses.

[dr_evil]

I prefer to use chemicals that are absorbed through the skin, just in case they have a stuffy nose - it is cold season.

Is this your preferred way of assassination too?  Guess it has a multitude of uses.

I've never assassinated anyone!  Don't spread ugly rumors.  I prefer to keep my former rivals alive to suffer through their shame...and wash the minions' uniforms.

[prytania3]

You're all amateurs.  The sealing wax is a good idea, pry, and adding sequins is very hip, very with-it, very now, The Fiona, but everyone has forgotten the most important part.

Pheromones.

Better living through chemistry.  I'm tellin' ya, those darlin' little smell molecules have gotten me more jobs than I can shake a cv-nailed-to-a-piece-of-plywood at.

And the crushinator's pneumatic nailer is particularly useful for those oh-so-important in-person rejections.  Ouch!  :~)

Great idea! Not only will you get the job but everyone on the SC will fall in love with you!

[jobhire]

Oh man, does the title of this thread give me the giggles. Wait, did I start this thread?!? Nope. Whew!

[limeorchid]

 Blood.

Write your CV in your own blood. Visit any LabCorp, they will draw you a vile, get a old fashioned pen and parchment paper, write in your blood, seal it with a wax seal and a strand of your hair beneath. Set in on your alter (what you do not have one?) Burn sage to purify it, state three wishes that are for humanity, not yourself. Jump up and down on your right leg while singing the "Hokey Pokey" (That's what it's all about)

Then, staple. Neatly as close to the top left corner that you can. Rub it on your gentiles thinking of all the nights you passed up because you were doing research. Spray a mixture of spring water and rose water on it and walk it to the mailbox singing your fav. country song.

That should do it.

The really sad thing is, that many (moil included) do resort to some kind of ritual (much more low key that this).

A hope. A dream. A potential life waiting. Pregnant with possibility.

Then...you get the job.

Reality, beauty and the beast.

Good luck to all in the strife.

Staple or not, you are valuable.

[expatinuk]

The plan that has worked for me in the past is to:

Go to Rate My Professor and list yourself as a member of that Faculty, then give yourself tons of chili peppers and say that you're the best.

Show up to teach the classes that you've said that you teach.

When you don't get a pay check march over to Human Resources and demand that you get paid, along with back pay for  all the prep work you've done.