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[bcohlan1]

Doesn't everyone have some kind of "don't be a dick" clause in their syllabi? Mine's pretty simple. In politer terms, it says, "Don't be a dick. If you're a dick as an individual or if the entire class begins to behave dickishly, I reserve the right to nail your balls to the wall. Don't doubt that I will do it."

I have only had to invoke the "don't be a dick" clause on two occasions that I can recall, but it did come in handy for those.

I like you, tenured feminist and I have learned a lot from you.  But may I make a request?  Might you consider not associating stupidity with maleness.  If I had a "don't be a pussy" clause, my head would be on the platter.  I like being a man and I like maleness in general (and I like my ding-a-ling).  (Ditto for femaleness.)  Please consider lowering the language a bit.  I got a bit uneasy reading this.

Don't be such a pussy.

[amlithist]

From the One-Offs Thread:  Words to Live By.

.....
Short summary:

Nearly my entire life right now is telling people things they don't want to hear repeatedly until those particular people get the message and leave enlightened or just go away because they timed out.  Consequently, I am basically immune to calls from the peanut gallery to stop doing what is right in favor of what feels good to the peanut gallery. 


So, once more to start my day right:

Eat real food before eating candy.
Put units on every measurement.
Round to the right number of significant figures.
Box your answer.
Bang out that dissertation, proposal, and/or paper.
Do some time networking every week instead of holing up in your office.
Apply broadly even for positions that aren't your dream position.
Be implementing employment back-up plans B-Q as you do that academic job search.
STFU when you are the newbie and don't know the lay of the land yet.
Say thank you when someone gives you advice, even if it's not what you want to hear.
Have a few mentors in your field who serve on search committees vet your materials before you send them to search committees.
Call your mother.
Stop arguing with a brick wall and either take the good advice or prove us all wrong by going out there and getting that job with a crayoned application on waxed paper with no publications as an ABD who has never been instructor of record.  You can do it!

[bacardiandlime]

On the "Full Metal Jousting" thread

Forget the history channel. They need to introduce this at the AHA.

"Dear job-seekers,

The AHA has heard your complaints that the academic hiring process is tortuous, cumbersome, inefficient, laborious, and inhumane. Therefore, next year we will be replacing conference interviews with jousting. This meritocracy-based process will ensure efficient winnowing of the pool of living job candidates and provide increased transparency in the workings of the search process. Any candidates remaining alive at the end of the day will earn advancement to the short list. Letters will be sent immediately to the families of losing candidates informing them that regrettably, death makes them ineligible to progress in the search, and wishing them good luck in their endeavors in future lives. We think this combination of clear-cut requirements for advancement and immediate notification of dead unsuccessful candidates will do much to relieve the anxiety job-seekers feel about the search process in general.

Or, if it happens not to work out (which we at the AHA feel is HIGHLY UNLIKELY), we can go back to the old way. You choose. Now get to work on those jousting skills! Those horses don't train themselves, you know.

Chivalrously yours,

The AHA Management"


(For the record, I could also see an AHA Hunger Games. Or maybe that should be at the MLA.)

VP

[cc_alan]

A classmate and I were discussing our chemistry homework. We're working on Acid/Base/Salts equilibrium. At an adjoining table sat a man who was in my pre-algebra class last year and a female student I don't know--both non-trad. We finished our discussion and my classmate left.

Unknown Student: Um, I hope you don't mind my asking, but what class were you just talking about?

Me: Chem XYZ.

U.S.: <thinks> Oh, good! I don't think I have to take that one.

Me: This is the second in the chem sequence for majors.

U.S.: <sounding alarmed> What major?!?

Me: Science majors. <guessing> You're in nursing? (nod) Then, no, you don't have to take it.

U.S.: Oh, good. <sigh of relief> I think I only have to take (lower level nursing sequence). Thank God! It sounded like you were speaking a foreign language. I can't figure out what we're supposed to do with the chem they're making us take. When will we ever need any of it?

Me: Uh. Unit conversions?

U.S.: Oh, um, yeah. But, we had some of that when we were in LPN school.

Me: Good. I'm pretty sure that's a part of what they want you to learn, because if you can't do that I don't want you standing next to my bed figuring out what dosage of meds you're going to pump into me.

U.S.: <laughs like it's a joke>

Me: I'm not kidding.

U.S.: <blinks>

Friend from algebra: <laughs> She's not kidding.

[mystictechgal]

I write to appeal to some of you bright and caustic posters.   I have a student who is taking my Jane Austen class because he is "forced" to take a class dealing with women in literature for a requirement to get into education school (he wants to become a high school English teacher).  This is a Big Research University.  On his first-day of class survey he indicated that he resents being forced to take the course and that his favorite author is Ayn Rand.   

Here is the thesis statement of his paper about "Pride and Prejudice".  He examines Darcy's letter to Daisy (yes, he calls Lizzy Bennet "Daisy" for no known reason):

"Darcy’s character, simply put, is a still an a**hole , but an a**hole with who is trying to overcome his faults ."

Can anyone give me any suggestions as to what to say to him?  My impulse is to go all prim and school-marmish on him, but perhaps another approach might work. 

Thank you.

My own approach would be a bit different from what's been suggested here. I'm less inclined to think that appealing to his sense of future professionalism would really be a successful motivator.

Instead, I'd call him out on the subtext of what he's doing:

"There is an old Buddhist quote which, when adapted to teaching (as often happens), goes something like this: The best teachers point to the moon and say, 'Look! See the moon.' The less-good teachers do the same, but say, 'Look! See my hand, pointing at the moon.' Those teachers are more interested in students seeing *them* rather than the moon: they instruct, yes, but we are always aware that they are interested in showing students their cleverness first, and the moon second. When you use language like 'Darcy is still an a**hole,' you are drawing the reader's attention to you, not to the text. This is not something to aspire to in teaching, and definitely not something to aspire to in papers. Always show us less hand, more moon; less [studentlastname], more Austen."

VP

[betterslac]

From the "Post campus" thread:

I don't think it's that hard to judge a paper. This one, for example, would get a D for lack of any evidence. Good punctuation and spelling, though.

Also, if Megan McArdle is out there reading this: how do professors "produce education"? And if someone's producing it, can I order a box?

[writingprof]

Does anyone else find that apparently paragraphs have gone out of fashion?

That just means that the more hip students will soon be using them ironically.

[oldfullprof]

From Alto Stratus on the Adultry thread:

Let not the impulses of two intellectual minds
Involve desk implements.  Love is not love
Which imprints paperclips on behinds
Or welts where staples are removed:
O no!  Those are longer-lasting marks
That betray your fairest side with decoration;
It is then you may need a tetanus shot,
Requiring a doctor’s visit, and some explanation.
Ah, you fool for wood veneer and rosy cheeks
How they’ve pulled you to this precipice:
Will it be hours or will it be weeks
Until you see the mess of this?
Cap tightly every Sharpie pen
Lest they reveal where thou has been.

[llanfair]

Provosts have been proven privy

To how our new leader will divvy

The scant research funds

And the short U Press runs

We'll all be stripped down to our skivvies.

[octoprof]

The key words today are "gender, sex, diversity, class, minorities" and the like - the words that I, a European historian of the 18-19c., have a very limited specific preparation for.
How do I convince Us that I could learn it in NO time, when needed??????

I am in a parallel field, and to be honest, you need to have a real answer for this if you hope to get an academic job.  You can't focus on Europe exclusively any more - even if your research is focused on a narrow geographic area, you should still be writing sample syllabi and teaching courses that include a more global approach, particularly colonial and post-colonial topics, which is hugely important in your time period.  Ditto for race and gender - how can we responsibly teach this time period without including these issues?  I seriously doubt that there is no aspect of your research that can't in some way be linked to a broader perspective of the world.  If you start making a conscious effort NOW to think about gender, sex, diversity, class, and minorities, you should be able to learn enough in the next six months to be able to incorporate this into your cover letters in the Fall.

As someone who works on Europe in a different historical period, I have very little patience for colleagues who "can't" think or work beyond the narrow confines of "France" or "England" or whatever other geographic boundary they have set for themselves.  It's not just that this won't work in the 21st century; this also didn't work in ancient Rome, or in the Middle Ages, certainly not in the Early Modern world, or in the Industrial Revolution...the world was ALWAYS a global, diverse place with many perspectives existing in it; it's just that scholarship has only recently realized that more than one narrative is worth discussing.  It's not just about what is "hot" or "fashionable" right now - look, my own research is about dead white guys in Europe, but I promise you they had contact with the rest of society and the world.  It is my responsibility, as a scholar and as a teacher, to make those points of contact central to my work, and not pretend that those are "peripheral" issues. 

This doesn't mean that you have to only work on purely "diverse" topics - it means you have to recognize that ALL topics in the humanities and social sciences, including your own, have this dimension inherent within them.  You need to recognize this in your work, in your teaching, and in your cover letters.  Period.  It's not about "learning" something new; it's about realizing that this is a huge part of our contemporary discourse in the humanities and social sciences, and accepting that you need to join this discourse - if you read two relevant articles per month, or just attend some "other" panels at the next conference you attend, you will get there before you know it.

Sorry to rant, but this is very close to my heart, and I find it upsetting when people who work on Europe (which is what I do) seem to think they "can't" include other perspectives in their work.  It's just not true.

As for your adviser and whether or not they are willing to help you - this might depend on what sort of "help" you are looking for.  My adviser is not particularly supportive; he makes it clear he is busy and he treats me with a rather cold "sink or swim, publish or perish" attitude.  But he is always happy to hear about my grants, publications, etc. when I have them, and he is always willing to write letters - for the rest I turn to my friends, and sometimes to this forum.  If your adviser is anything like mine, you might receive a warmer response if your requests for help are presented together with "this is my new research, this is the results of my new work" - in other words, if you can show that you are still making progress on your own as well as asking for help.

Good luck.  Sorry if any of this was harsh; I've had a long day...

KH

[betty_p]

From the "Animals that Begin with the Letter P" thread, which I love beyond all reason, and just because this post made me laugh out loud:

Pzebra

What?

[conjugate]

If that's not enough, then my department is very, very pleased with my teaching these classes.  Unlike similar classes in the past or sister institutions, the students who pass my classes are moderately competent in the appropriate level of science.  The students complain, but all the complaints they make fall on deaf ears because they can be summarized as "we can't earn even a C in this class without college-level effort".  No one here is sympathetic to that complaint, so I keep my non-TT job and, in fact, I just signed a contract for a TT job at a different university in large part because I hold the line and don't bow to trying to get high evaluations at the expense of all the discipline that underprepared students need to succeed in college.

[malcha]

I'm like MB.  I really dislike the East Coast because there are little tricks for talking about where your kids are going to school, your "elite" academic credentials, politically correct issues, and so on in a really snotty way that's supposed to be subtle.  At the same time, many of these people are shallow, and you never do find out much about them. 

That's because it's none of your goddamn business.

- A Native New Englander

[titian]

And, as for geologists, isn't the fora better off without any of 'em?  I mean, really.

Who will tell us what is a precious stone and what is not?

And from whom else will we hear the immortal words:

"GEOLOGISTS: We're Tuff, Gneiss, and a little Wacke."

Can I get that on a chert?

Of quartz you can!

I just took it for granite you'd say that.

I've said it before and I'll say it again:  we're full of schist.

Hey!  Watch the language, gosh garnet!

This whole thread made me laugh so hard, I ruined my jambalaya. I was following a recipe by that New Orleans chef, the guy that says "Bam" a lot.

You know...

Emerald.

*frantically trying to work "shale" and "diamond" into this thread

[llanfair]

Dear advisee,

The idea that any of your instructors at this community college “don’t like you” on some personal level because you "missed a few days" suggests you are as narcissistic as you are stupid. You probably can’t imagine how offensive your statement really is, but let me engage in a futile attempt to enlighten you.

You see, 90+% of the faculty here teach a 5/5 load every semester with at least 100 students total (although many go well over the 200 student mark). That you think any instructor has the free time and emotional energy to nurture a personal dislike towards you indicates that you are assuming a level of self-importance that you will never attain. You are just another lame-a$$ “student” blipping in and out of our professional lives who is doomed to failure because you don’t attend class or submit work. Maybe we might look at your name on the roll once in a while and say, “Hmmmm . . . I wouldn’t recognize that sum-b*tch’s face if he walked up and spit on me.” But that’s it. That’s all you are.

You see, all faculty members here—except for maybe one or two very lonely math instructors—have rich and rewarding personal lives, or they are trying to develop them, or they drink themselves into them. How they get there isn’t the point here. The point is that no one goes home and thinks about you. No one. On the off-chance that one instructor ever mentions in passing that he or she thinks about some no-show-half-a$$-student like yourself, other faculty members send Mr. T and the A-Team to the instructor’s house, who then throw the instructor forcefully into the A-Team van, who then demand that the instructor listen to cliché-riddled dialogue delivered by no-talent actors, and, finally, they take the instructor for a weekend and dump them into something we like to call a “hospitality suite” at a “professional development” conference.

Now, my little butt-baby, if you catch a ‘tude or a bit of a tone from one of your professors, you may be experiencing a professional dislike from someone you have slighted on a very deep level. This is perfectly valid. You see, you are supposed to be a professional college student who has developed an ethical framework through which you will succeed and reap the benefits of this wonderful opportunity you have proven you don’t deserve. Part of that ethical framework should include a little section on attendance. You see, when you don’t attend class, you are committing an immoral act. The federal government, our state government, our Foundation, your mommy and daddy, and many others have ponied-up a butt-load of cash so you can benefit from a spot in our classrooms. By taking these funds, you agreed to attend class. You simply aren’t meeting your professional, financial, and moral obligations; and your lack of attendance means that you are not only a bad student, but a bad person as well.

Duh! Of course your instructors don’t like you on a professional level. After all, your immoral approach to your studies creates MORE work for your instructors. Your instructors have developed hunchbacks carrying around your old, $hitty graded essays and the many handouts they gave out three weeks ago just in case you happen to grace the classroom with your presence. They have lost time with their families and fallen behind on committee work posting all of their assignments in D2L in the vain hope that someday you might happen into the college's CMS and see what’s there. For some reason, they have gotten some goofball notion in their heads that your non-attendance creates an obligation on their part, the poor saps.

And that’s not all: Your lack of attendance makes a mockery of the people (and keep in mind that these are people I have known and respected for many years) who work hard at this institution to provide you a space in our classrooms. Everyone, from the college president on down, has busted their butts to do something for you, and all you can do is take a big messy dump on our efforts and then wonder why you get an off-look every rare once in a while.  Well, just excuse the $hit out of us. 

And if all of this isn’t enough, your leaving an empty desk in the classrooms on a regular basis is a constant reminder to everyone that you have stolen that space, this unique opportunity, from someone else who might have done something with the privilege you have pi$$ed away. 

You suck all over, and the people who knock themselves out at this college can smell the suckiness on you like it’s bacon frying in a pan. You aren’t clever, unique, interesting, or amusing. You just suck the big donkey. You are a waste of our professional time, money, and space. Yet, even though you are the very antithesis of why we all exist here and you should be beaten into a disgusting pulp and slowly eaten alive by the kittens mewing over there by the automotive shop, we still treat you with professional courtesy. And don’t be confused. Our treating you with more respect than you deserve is a reflection on us, not you.

Sincerely,

Your advisor who really hopes you change your major soon so you are someone else's problem