"favorite" student e-mails

[kraken]

Heh.

I had a student with five absences come in to find out what dates she had been absent 'for her records'.  She came in the next day with five excuse notes photocopied.  Each was dated for one of the five absences we had noted in the prior meeting.  I was particularly impressed that on five seemingly unrelated dates, she had not only managed to experience stomach cramps and diarrhea, but against all odds, her blood pressure had remained stable throughout the semester.  In fact, it appears that it never changes. 

To quote Ron White, "You can't fix stupid."

Were all the words and signatures also in the exact same spot???

Of course.

[turing_complete]

Got one today.

Hello, professor,

I have graduated from [school] for nearly one year, now I am working in a Company at [city] which makes software for speech recognition and natural language understanding.
When I were a student, I took a course from you ([course] in Fall '06), which helped me build my background knowledge in my recent job.  Now I think of applying for the part-time graduate study in [different department], and I don't know whether I can ask you write me a reference letter. I know I didn't get a good mark in your course, but I did work hard at that time and did learn something useful to me, as I really like the topic you taught. So, if you want to talk to me, I will be willing to meet you. Any help from you will be appreciated.

The attachment is my resume, thank you very much.

I know nothing about this student, save that hu did indeed take my course, and earned a 61%.  Never came to office hours; never interacted in class; I couldn't pick hu out of a lineup.  The course I taught had nothing to do with speech recognition or natural language understanding.

I suggested to hu that hu would likely be far better off getting a LOR from someone else.

[fannie]

This just in:  a student who didn't show up for class on Monday morning just facebooked me to ask where the class was.  I am not responding to a facebook message!  Cripes!

[conjugate]

This just in:  a student who didn't show up for class on Monday morning just facebooked me to ask where the class was.  I am not responding to a facebook message!  Cripes!

Especially when the very same Internet that provides the student with Facebook also provides the student with access to the school's home page, from which there is almost certainly a link to the Schedule of Classes, which very often provides the information.  Good grief.

[croaker]

I don't like bothering the internet over every little thing.

[dr_dre]

"Hello professor, Attached in a word document is my written response.
please emailme back so that way i know you have recieved it."

Small sigh. And the term is underway.

[sciprofmw]

This thread has really cheered me up - I have laughed so hard reading through these.  It inspired me to dig up this "gem" from 3 years ago.  The paper was due the last day of the class, I got this e-mail the next day.  M*** got a big fat 0 and F for a final grade.

Dr. (spelled wrong)

I've had a few problems the last couple of days.  You know how my computer
broke down earlier this block, well I sent it in to get it fixed, and I got
it back monday, supposedly fixed.  So I'm like yay, I can write my paper at
home on my laptop.  So I wrote my paper, and I took it to my desk to go
print it off yesterday afternoon, and my computer went black, it died,
nothing, just like before, I called up there and they told me that they
couldn't do anything for me and that I had to send it back in!  But I
thought that I had learned my lesson and saved hibitually on a CD.  However,
my computer died before I actually ejected the CD, and when it is ejected is
when the information formats so it can be read on other computers.  So if I
put the disc into a different computer, my paper comes up as a serious of
lines and symbols.  So therefore, paper gone!  I was freaking out, I didn't
know what to do, the library closed at 4:30 yesterday, and by the time I got
off the phone with the computer people, you were gone from your office.  So
I'm like great, no computer, no way of writing my paper, what do I do!?  So
I'm like I need to get a hold of you, so I went into marion to get my cell
phone from the YMCA, where I thought I left monday night.  It wasn't there,
but I did finally track down the phone.  I have since tried calling you at
home, but when I try to call it says "sorry this number has been
disconnected and is no longer in service."  So, freaking out, no idea what
to do, so I'm like especially after what happened monday this has to be the
best paper I have ever written in my life!!  So I've reread Journal
articles, read and added journal articles that I didn't use in my original
paper, made up note cards, so the writing process will go easier.  I even
started writing it by hand, but I kept making mistakes and it was a mess,
and taking me forever, and I basically found it pointless.  So I am
currently in the library typing my paper, thinking that maybe you'll get my
email before you get the message to call me on your voicemail in your
office.  I'm typing it up right now, hopefully it won't take me too long, it
shouldn't because I have al the info organized, and I did write this paper
before.  However I did add some new information, and it is a 15 page paper.
I'm super sorry, obviously nothing can be easy or go right for me this
block.  I hope you understand, and will still accept my paper.  I will write
it as quickly as possible. And will talk to you later.
Thank you, M***.


sorry, I sent this to you earlier this morning, but I forgot the other "t"
in your last name, so it didn't send.

And just to let you know, I have to take a break from the actual typing of
my paper from 11-12 because there are things going on in both library
computer labs at that time. ugh

[wherefromher]

Luckily my bladder was empty when I read this email cancelling an appointment:

Hello this is x again. I am so sorry if I have caused you any incontinence, but......

[anthroid]

"Dear Dr. Anthroid,
I won't be able to attend class on Friday (feb. 1st, 2008), because my sister is in the hopsital having a baby. I live 3 hours away and I have to drive home on Thursday. If you need type of documents that shows what hospital my sister is at, I could do that and I bring to class on Monday. If you have any questions please feel free to email me back"

Huh????  You mean you're a world-famous obstetrician and you MUST be there to perform the very delicate sister-baby interface?  You have amazing medical expertise, so much so that your presence, your very being, is required to be at the hospital, tonight????  I had no idea such an august person was taking my lowly intro to cultural anthro class.  At the least, please tell me you're her birthing coach and it's looking like she'll be delivering tonight.

Sigh.  I told her it wasn't a valid excuse but, since I don't take attendance, it was up to her, though she's responsible for all material covered (and tomorrow is actually kind of a textbook-free zone lecture-wise...lots of interesting things to talk about but none of them are in the book.  Guess what will be on the test, though?).

I'm with octoprof.  I don't count absences per se into the grade, but not being there will hurt a student's mark, as I discuss things beyond the textbook with regularity.  Someone else's notes won't help much.  I don't care to judge illness or wellness or bulls***tedness of excuses.

[not_a_gradstudent1]

My latest "favorite":

Hello!!  My brother has his junior voice recital next week in  {neighboring state}.  It is
really important to him and myself that I am  there for him.  So, if it is okay I won't
be attending class Friday,  February 8th.  I hope that you understand that this is
something that  only comes around once! :)  I realize that we have a in class writing 
assignment that day... will I be able to make it up?  Just get back to  me and let me
know!!
Thanks so much,
{Firstname}[

[fannie]

Damn brother of a damn prima donna.

[octoprof]

My latest "favorite":

Hello!!  My brother has his junior voice recital next week in  {neighboring state}.  It is
really important to him and myself that I am  there for him.  So, if it is okay I won't
be attending class Friday,  February 8th.  I hope that you understand that this is
something that  only comes around once! :)  I realize that we have a in class writing 
assignment that day... will I be able to make it up?  Just get back to  me and let me
know!!
Thanks so much,
{Firstname}[

Won't he have a senior voice recital next year, as well?

[geonerd]

Won't he have a senior voice recital next year, as well?

For Pete's sake, please don't complicate the issue with logic.

[octoprof]

Won't he have a senior voice recital next year, as well?

For Pete's sake, please don't complicate the issue with logic.

Sorry, I'm an accountant. I can't help myself!

[galactic_hedgehog]

Won't he have a senior voice recital next year, as well?

For Pete's sake, please don't complicate the issue with logic.

Sorry, I'm an accountant. I can't help myself!

Yes, but it won't be a junior voice recital, then, will it?