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[histgeek]

case_sensitive -- thanks for the link!  Be assured I will use disgression.

slac_vap -- there's a made-up-word thread??  That's fantabulous!

grasshopper -- yes, snot rope.

Sincerely,

Jerk

[grasshopper]

Well, that's it, then. Snot Rope Debbie is going to have to transfer to KFC. I'm going to stick a black beret on her head and make her write sexy free verse poetry, of the "I want to drown deep inside you" variety.

Don't know if my KFC Debbie will be able to top "disgression," though. Alas, my Debbie will be but a poor substitute.

[nhaven1]

This exchange happened last night.  It's too good not to share.


********************************

Dr Nhaven1,
     I understand that I have recieved a failing grade for class this fall semester, although I am slightly puzzled to why. I am extremely upset, as this grade was part of the reason I was asked to leave the University. I am in an appeal right now to be re-admitted and I was just wondering if you could get back to me.
Thank you,
P. Hilton

********************************

Ms. Hilton,
 
Apart from your weekly papers, you did not turn in any of the written work or take the final exam. 
 
I'm not exactly sure what the issue is.
 
--Dr. Nhaven1
 

[voxprincipalis]

Well, that's it, then. Snot Rope Debbie is going to have to transfer to KFC. I'm going to stick a black beret on her head and make her write sexy free verse poetry, of the "I want to drown deep inside you" variety.

Oh, I get this feeling she's going to show up in all my poetry classes at KFC. Can I pre-emptively fail her?

VP

[cc_alan]

Well, that's it, then. Snot Rope Debbie is going to have to transfer to KFC. I'm going to stick a black beret on her head and make her write sexy free verse poetry, of the "I want to drown deep inside you" variety.

Oh, I get this feeling she's going to show up in all my poetry classes at KFC. Can I pre-emptively fail her?

Are you allowed to fail a student at KFC?

Alan

[chickpea1]

Oooooh, I love this thread! My turn!

Student, handing in a half-completed final exam for an entry-level art history course: "Yeah, I really bombed this exam.  But when I signed up for the course I thought it was, like, a drawing class."

Ummm, you've had a whole semester, including two papers and a mid-term, to realize that Art History 100 was not a drawing course.

[midwestgal]

Oh, how did I not see this threat until now? It's made my week! I'd like to share in the fun (as I save my "favorite" emails, too).

"I have a question....I want to know why I did so poorly on my paper.  You
gave me an aweful grade and Idon't think I deserve it.  I worked so hard on
that paper and for you to rip it apart and give me that grade really upset
me.  I want to know why I got the grade I received and what I did wrong in
my paper for you to hate me that much.  You can email me at
xxxxx@hotmail.com or contact me M-F 8-5 @ 555-555-5555."


Then there's this one:

"Dear Professor,
I tried submitting my paper into turnitin.com today becasue I was unable to get back to school last night becasue of the snow storm. It would not allow me and I know the paper was due at 7 on Sunday nite. I was at home on Sunday and becasue of the storm my Mother would not allow me to drive back and we dont have internet at my Mother's house. My Mother said if there is any issues of discrepancy you can call her at 555-555-5555. I am sending it via email instead.
JoeStudent"

My reply:

Dear JoeStudent,
I'm a bit confused. Are you saying that you were unable to submit the exam from home because you do not have Internet access at home? If so, please explain the following.

The Blackboard system shows that you logged onto the class page for the first time in over a week _after_ 7:00 o'clock on Sunday evening. (Perhaps you were not aware that Blackboard tracks usage.) This means that you could not even have looked at or downloaded the exam until _after_ it was due.  Also, because you could log into BB Sunday night you were obviously able to access the Internet, which means you would have been able to submit your exam to TurnItIn.com from home. So you see, there are two major problems with your "excuse." Last, I cannot accept a note or call from a parent as documentation, for reasons I hope are rather obvious.
Best,
MidwestGal

[infopri]

"I missed class last week. when can i get a copy of oyur notes or do u have powerpoints? email would be best, but i guess i could drop and get copies from u later."

When pigs fly . . .

I can't tell you how many times I've received a version of this.  I like your answer a lot better than mine!  Thanks for the chuckle.

[infopri]

We have some students who apparently think they never have to do the work for themselves. They want their profs to give them everything on a silver platter.

This wasn't an email, but I once had a student ask me in class, about a week before the midterm, when I was going to provide "the notes" so that she could study for the exam.  I thought she meant a study guide, which I do not provide.  (Instead, I review the covered material and answer questions, which is what I was doing when this came up.)  But no, turns out she wanted NOTES, as in class notes.  Apparently, no one ever told her that taking notes in class was HER job.  (Then she asked whether I would provide a copy of my lecture notes, since she had no class notes.)

[case_insensitive]

Dr. Insensitive,

I have been unable to purchase a book.  I went after work yesterday to
both the U and OffCampus bookstore only to find that they were sold
out.  

Since I have yet to get any other students information from class, I was
hoping I could get a copy of the problems due today, fromt you, so that
I could work them and turn them in.  

If possible to copy / scan them, please send them to:

joe.student@home.net and j.student@place.of.work.com

Or please advise any other possible solutions to my delima.

Thank you,

joe student

[anon99]

Well, that's it, then. Snot Rope Debbie is going to have to transfer to KFC. I'm going to stick a black beret on her head and make her write sexy free verse poetry, of the "I want to drown deep inside you" variety.

Oh, I get this feeling she's going to show up in all my poetry classes at KFC. Can I pre-emptively fail her?

At first I thought KFC was short for Kentucky Fried Chicken and was going to reply that you could fail them if they were vegetarian, but then realized that KFC stood for a college.

Are you allowed to fail a student at KFC?

Alan

[grasshopper]

Yes - KissyFace College.
You'll love it.

http://chronicle.com/forums/index.php/topic,27454.0.html

[infopri]

ptprof is hurting my feelings...

I am up at all hours of the night lurking on these threads.

Oh, and I was finishing the diss at the time.

Don't worry, you're not the only nightbird.  I used to be known for my late hours.  One of my former colleagues used to message me (sort of an early form of Instant Messenger) when he got up at 4 am (early-to-bed, early-to-rise type) to say good morning and advise me that it was time for me to go to bed.  My students were always amazed when they'd send 3:00 am emails and get a reply at 3:12 am...

Of course, I was much younger then.  And I was still working on my dissertation.  Now I am older and wiser and do not answer student emails at 3 am.  I post to the fora.  :)

[infopri]

Student emailed me last night with his final exam (grad class, take home exam) and included only a message in Spanish. I do not speak Spanish. So, I put it through a translator...  here is the result: Merry Christmas and a very glad new anus!

He is the first person to wish me that...


Ever.

:o)

c i

In the spirit of lifelong learning, I have been trying to learn Spanish, so President Kennedy's German gaffe ("I'm a doughnut," instead of "I'm a Berlin-er") is often on my mind.  For what it's worth, in Spanish, the words for anus and year are almost identical:  ano (anus) and año (year).

Or maybe hu did just want you to have a happy hiney. 

[infopri]

Dear Professor [me],

I am applying to [my program] and [XYZ] University.  I haven't spent much time looking into your program, do you have any insight on which program is best as far as professors, financial aid, and the students.

Thanks,

Someone needs to tell this student that hu should be doing hu's own research!!!  If hu can't figure out this sort of thing on hu's own, hu has no business in a PhD program.

A former undergraduate student of mine later went on for hu's Ph.D. at another school, but emailed me often with updates and questions.  (To be fair, it should be noted that English is not hu's native language.)

Hello Dr. FirstName!  [I was ABD at the time.]
How are you? I hope you are well. I fail to mention last time that I was admitted for the Information Science PHD program at StateCollegeU. But, the admission came without any funding options, they informed me to find funding from elsewhere. Do you know, where to start, looking for funding opportunities? E-mail me back whenever, you get a chance.

Herewith under you will find e-mails I had received from StateCollegeU.

And, sure enough, attached to the bottom of the email was all of the correspondence hu had had with StateCollegeU on the matter.

BTW, for those of you not familiar with the field of information science (in which this student had a B.A. AND an M.S.):  One of the key skills taught in any info sci program is the ability to find and evaluate information.  Guess we didn't do so hot with this student.