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[s_d_g]

I got this one this morning:

"Hi,
  is there any possible way i can just come to turn my paper in tuesday and leave to take another exam? i wanted to plan my finals so i could leave tuesday so i moved one from wednesday to the same time we have our class period (not knowing we had to go because we dont have a final) [Edit: Our school requires we hold a final class even if no final is being given] and i cant take it on tuesaday because i have another exam. i was planning on leaving tuesday so i could spend time with my family for a day before i leave to spend a week with my girlfriend who is returning from spain where she has been for 5 months. if we could make it so i dont have to be there or work something else out that would be great and i'd really appreciate it!
-Student"

[jonesey]

This just in (in original, all caps format):

"HEY PROFESSOR,

I WAS WONDERING IF I SHOULD GO TO CLASS TODAY, ARE YOU GOING TO REVIEW ANYTHING FOR THE FINAL TODAY? AND WAS THERE A PAPER DUE TODAY?

THANKS,
CLUELESS STUDENT"

[holyhush]

If I have to get sort-of-grade-grubbing emails, I want them all to be like this:

"Are you allowed to change a student's grade because of their awesomeness?? just wondering..."

It makes me sort of want to increase his grade.  For awesomeness, of course.

Sort of want to increase his grade? That would have me digging through attendance records and quizzes to find points. It's hilarious! I may have to add something to my standard syllabus to award extra points for both awesomeness and hilarity.

Well, if he's on the absolute brink at the end, the severity of his awesomeness may push him over.

It makes me want to include "Awesomeness" as a column in my grade book next semester. 

[commcycle]

An email yesterday:

"I am pleased to inform you that I have been selected to the program."

This was sent to.... members of the selection committee (i.e. people who actually did the selecting). That gave me a welcome laugh.

[magistra]

It is 10:30 the night before the final - which is 7:30 in the morning:

"Prof.,

I just wanted to make sure that the exam tomorrow will be in our normal classroom. Can you please confirm this for me.

Thank You,
"

What to do, what to do?

I got this a lot too, and didn't know why.  Turns out some exams are in the same room & some are in different rooms depending on whether there's a department-wide exam, what college they're in, etc.  And unless it's on the syllabus, they have no way of knowing (and we all know how careful they are with the syllabus).  So this can be a legitimate question.

[assessment_lady]

For some reason I find this especially disturbing

I would be glad to come to you if you think I need some together time."

together time?  ewww

I know; gross, right?  I think she meant we could have some face-to-face time.  It's an online course so I don't ever see them in person.  But she definitely could have phrased it in a different way!

And if I get one more email asking for an extension, I'm going to shoot myself...or someone else!!!  They've known about the dang paper all semester.  If you're not going to put school as a priority, don't waste everyone's time!

[tee_bee]

This just in (in original, all caps format):

"HEY PROFESSOR,

I WAS WONDERING IF I SHOULD GO TO CLASS TODAY, ARE YOU GOING TO REVIEW ANYTHING FOR THE FINAL TODAY? AND WAS THERE A PAPER DUE TODAY?

THANKS,
CLUELESS STUDENT"

HEY STUDENT

NO, YOU DUMBA$$, FEEL FREE TO SLEEP IN, HIT THE BONG AGAIN (WAKE AND BAKE), DRINK ANOTHER BREWSKI TONIGHT, SLEEP IN YOUR OR SOMEONE ELSE'S CLOTHES, OR DO WHATEVER IT WAS YOU WERE GOING TO DO INSTEAD OF SHOW UP TO MY CLASS. YES, THERE WAS A PAPER DUE YESTERDAY. I DO NOT ACCEPT LATE PAPERS. CAN YOU HEAR ME THROUGH THE WEED AND BOOZE INDUCED HAZE? MY EMAIL DOESN'T ALLOW ME TO SHOUT ANY LOUDER.

YER PROF.

P.S. DO YOUR PARENTS KNOW THAT YOU ARE THIS BIG A F**KUP?

P.P.S. HAY IS FOR HORSES, A$$KLOWN

Ok, in fairness, this is really the end of finals venting talking, but who among us hasn't, just once, wanted to send this sort of note?

[jerseyjay]

It is 10:30 the night before the final - which is 7:30 in the morning:

"Prof.,

I just wanted to make sure that the exam tomorrow will be in our normal classroom. Can you please confirm this for me.

Thank You,
"

What to do, what to do?

I got this a lot too, and didn't know why.  Turns out some exams are in the same room & some are in different rooms depending on whether there's a department-wide exam, what college they're in, etc.  And unless it's on the syllabus, they have no way of knowing (and we all know how careful they are with the syllabus).  So this can be a legitimate question.

For what it is worth, one school I teach at seems to randomly assign exams to rooms. It prints up a master list of all sections of all classes with the date and time and posts this online. The only problem is that it makes it so all sections of the same survey course take the exam at the same time, but not the same place. The problem is that if an instructor teaches more than one section, he is supposed to be in several places at once. So then the department has to redo the room listing, but meanwhile the original schedule is still posted to the registrar's webpage. To minimize confusion, I usually send an email and announce the actual location at the start of every class, starting about a month before the exam. But it still confuses students.

(Another related problem is that even though my school is a commuter campus where students--who all have jobs and or family obligations--sometimes need two hours of commuting time, the school changes both times and days of the exam. So a class that meets at 5pm on Tues and Thursday might have a final at 8am on Monday. )

I don't blame the students for being confused, but on the other hand this happens every single semester so you think the students might get used to it after a year....

[pinky]

I awoke to find this gem in my inbox.  Sigh...  He was doing so well up until the last sentence.

Hi Professor,
Partner and I saw our grade for Assignment5 on Blackboard and saw that it was very low (24/55). We're not sure how we could've lost more than 50% on the assignment. Will we be able to get our comments before final grades are submitted? I feel that this misgrading is going to really affect our grade unless this is changed.
Thanks,
Stuie

How I want to respond: "Hi Stuie, so glad you shared your feelings with me today."

[mathprof08]

I got this one last night, AFTER the final exam:

I was trying to calculate my grade after the final, and I just realized that our homework is graded.  When I looked at the syllabus i just saw "suggested homework" and there wern't any assignments posted on carmen.  Unfortunately, I have a time conflict with another class and I never go to recitation.  This is of course my fault for not being more responsible.
 
I was hoping that I could still turn in some homework for partial credit.  I wouldn't even ask except that it may mean the difference between passing or not.  And if I dont pass then I will be an entire year behind in my major.  I have done well on the exams and hopefully on the final so I am not asking due to laziness.  I will do anything to pass, even do all of the assignments i missed just for a few points.  Please consider if you can still accept any late work for partial credit.  Even 10-20 points could help.  And I'm sorry to bother you with this.

My favorite part, "I am not asking due to laziness."  I almost fell out of my chair laughing!

[jeffahall]

If I have to get sort-of-grade-grubbing emails, I want them all to be like this:

"Are you allowed to change a student's grade because of their awesomeness?? just wondering..."

Holyhush, my reply would have been:

Dear Michael,

I am afraid that I cannot increase a student's grade for awesomeness.  You are not yet expected to be awesome.  Indeed, the purpose of college is to gather students together for a period of years in the hope that their professors' awesomeness will rub off on them over time.

Sincerely,
Prof. X

[asterix]

If I have to get sort-of-grade-grubbing emails, I want them all to be like this:

"Are you allowed to change a student's grade because of their awesomeness?? just wondering..."

It makes me sort of want to increase his grade.  For awesomeness, of course.

A possible response: "Sure, which student did you have in mind??"

[octoprof]

I got this one last night, AFTER the final exam:

I was trying to calculate my grade after the final, and I just realized that our homework is graded.  When I looked at the syllabus i just saw "suggested homework" and there wern't any assignments posted on carmen.  Unfortunately, I have a time conflict with another class and I never go to recitation.  This is of course my fault for not being more responsible.
 
I was hoping that I could still turn in some homework for partial credit.  I wouldn't even ask except that it may mean the difference between passing or not.  And if I dont pass then I will be an entire year behind in my major.  I have done well on the exams and hopefully on the final so I am not asking due to laziness.  I will do anything to pass, even do all of the assignments i missed just for a few points.  Please consider if you can still accept any late work for partial credit.  Even 10-20 points could help.  And I'm sorry to bother you with this.

My favorite part, "I am not asking due to laziness."  I almost fell out of my chair laughing!

After the final, he just realized there was graded homework?  He needs to fail because he's too stupid/clueless to pass.

[fannie]

Prospective student to my major sent me this in August 2008:

declaration of self statement:

By focusing my area of studies in women studies as a my displin spled lik this major i hope to attain a better understanding of who i am as a woman, who women were before me, and what women are hoping to obtain in the future. Also as a my discipline spelled correctly major i hope to gain a better knowledge of the world around me and how i as an individual can help people within this world.

classes i was able to get into:

thanks so much!
student in lower case name

My response:
 

Hi Student,
Would you mind please re-writing this statement in proper English punctuation and spelling?
Thanks,
Dr. Fannie

Next time I hear from her is mid-November, when she writes this:

Dear Dr. Fannie,

So sorry to finally be getting back to you about this. Unfortunately when I read this e-mail I was not in a positive emotional state. I am sensitive about criticism to my writing since it is not very good, even if it is in e-mail form. I take full responsibility for being so immature about the issue. I would like to apologize to you for being so immature about the issue. I have since then received help about those issues. I am in a much happier place in my life now. If you still have space in your schedule, I would enjoy very much to be an advisee of yours. Here is the statement you requested:

Through focusing my area of studies in Women Studies as a my discipline major I hope to attain a better understanding of who I am as a woman. I would also like to know about who women were before me as well as where women are hoping to be in the future.  Also as a my discipline major I hope to gain a better knowledge of the world around me. Finally as a my discipline major I hope to learn how I as an individual can help people around me and throughout this world.

Also, I have spoken with Dr. Women's Studies and she has approved me for a Women’s Studies Independent Study student. I am also hoping that once I am approved, I can register for the following classes:

Thank you so much for you time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[oseph]

Prospective student to my major sent me this in August 2008:

declaration of self statement:

By focusing my area of studies in women studies as a my displin spled lik this major i hope to attain a better understanding of who i am as a woman, who women were before me, and what women are hoping to obtain in the future. Also as a my discipline spelled correctly major i hope to gain a better knowledge of the world around me and how i as an individual can help people within this world.

classes i was able to get into:

thanks so much!
student in lower case name

My response:
 

Hi Student,
Would you mind please re-writing this statement in proper English punctuation and spelling?
Thanks,
Dr. Fannie

Next time I hear from her is mid-November, when she writes this:

Dear Dr. Fannie,

So sorry to finally be getting back to you about this. Unfortunately when I read this e-mail I was not in a positive emotional state. I am sensitive about criticism to my writing since it is not very good, even if it is in e-mail form. I take full responsibility for being so immature about the issue. I would like to apologize to you for being so immature about the issue. I have since then received help about those issues. I am in a much happier place in my life now. If you still have space in your schedule, I would enjoy very much to be an advisee of yours. Here is the statement you requested:

Through focusing my area of studies in Women Studies as a my discipline major I hope to attain a better understanding of who I am as a woman. I would also like to know about who women were before me as well as where women are hoping to be in the future.  Also as a my discipline major I hope to gain a better knowledge of the world around me. Finally as a my discipline major I hope to learn how I as an individual can help people around me and throughout this world.

Also, I have spoken with Dr. Women's Studies and she has approved me for a Women’s Studies Independent Study student. I am also hoping that once I am approved, I can register for the following classes:

Thank you so much for you time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Whoa!