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[prytania3]

This arrived in my inbox at 3:00 a.m. today:

Dear Slac,

I am writing concerning a project I am working on in my [senior-level course in an unrelated department].  I am creating a webpage that discusses how [issue that I deal with in my research] affects college students.  A friend of mine who has had you for class in the past told me you are an expert in that area.  I was hoping to interview you so that I could include a video on the website of you discussing [topic] in order to add some credibility to the site.  If possible I would like to conduct the interview tonight so that I will have time to complete the project before it is due on [tomorrow's date].  Please reply ASAP so I can finish my planning for the project.

Thanks,
Student I've Never Met Before

Well, you need to hop right on that!

[grasshopper]

"Dear Mr. Clueless,

I am your instructor.  Please use appropriate forms and grammar when contacting me or any other instructor.  Furthermore, there is a <Shift> key on the keyboard of your computer.  Please use it on all e-mail contacts with me in the future.  Could you please repeat your query in an appropriate manner.

Thank you,

Dr. Mouseman"

Ha ha! Inspired by the collective wisdom of the fora, I wrote one of these emails last term to a particularly twittish snowflake. Her initial email had been incomprehensible, and her attempts to clarify almost just as bad.

Her response?

Blah blah blah [clarifying the question... again... sort of...]

thanks for pointing out my gramor problems though. thats nice to see that when some one trys to tell you somthing you come back with a remark like that



The next day in class, I devoted the first 15 minutes or so to a discussion of email etiquette.

[bacardiandlime]

"Dear Mr. Clueless,

I am your instructor.  Please use appropriate forms and grammar when contacting me or any other instructor.  Furthermore, there is a <Shift> key on the keyboard of your computer.  Please use it on all e-mail contacts with me in the future.  Could you please repeat your query in an appropriate manner.

Thank you,

Dr. Mouseman"

Ha ha! Inspired by the collective wisdom of the fora, I wrote one of these emails last term to a particularly twittish snowflake. Her initial email had been incomprehensible, and her attempts to clarify almost just as bad.

Her response?

Blah blah blah [clarifying the question... again... sort of...]

thanks for pointing out my gramor problems though. thats nice to see that when some one trys to tell you somthing you come back with a remark like that

Is she any relation to concerned_parent?

[grasshopper]

Is she any relation to concerned_parent?

I think that English is a second language for CP. My Precious Little Twit didn't have that excuse.

Oh! And the best part? Throughout the rest of the term, she antagonistically questioned at least one thing I said in every class. When she bothered to show up, that is. Not surprisingly, she failed.

[anthroid]

"Dear Mr. Clueless,

I am your instructor.  Please use appropriate forms and grammar when contacting me or any other instructor.  Furthermore, there is a <Shift> key on the keyboard of your computer.  Please use it on all e-mail contacts with me in the future.  Could you please repeat your query in an appropriate manner.

Thank you,

Dr. Mouseman"

Ha ha! Inspired by the collective wisdom of the fora, I wrote one of these emails last term to a particularly twittish snowflake. Her initial email had been incomprehensible, and her attempts to clarify almost just as bad.

Her response?

Blah blah blah [clarifying the question... again... sort of...]

thanks for pointing out my gramor problems though. thats nice to see that when some one trys to tell you somthing you come back with a remark like that



The next day in class, I devoted the first 15 minutes or so to a discussion of email etiquette.

Good lord.

When I get emails like this, I just say "I'm sorry, but I can't understand your email.  Please try again in standard English and I'll respond!"

Slac_Vap, 1, I adore how this student called you by your first name.  2, I would guess that ASAP could be... next week?... given how very busy you are right now.

[assessment_lady]

I must say, I've loved this thread.  I've thought for years that my students were disrespectful imbeciles, but it appears that many people have that problem!  I will say that I begin every semester off with a brief introduction of how to email a professor.  I do this in my undergraduate, graduate, and online courses.  I don't have time to try and decipher an email that doesn't make sense.  And I tell them that if they don't get a response within 24 hours, it's because their email was grammatically incorrect, rude, or completely incoherent.  This has helped so much with the disrespectful, ignorant, and confusing emails.  I also tell students to write down all of their questions, try to figure them out on their own, and then email me all questions in one email if, and only if, they are unable to figure it out.  I'm so sick of getting emails akin to, "i haven't looked on blackboard yet but i'm wondering where the video lecture is."  Maybe if you friggin' looked on Blackboard you'd see a folder called "Video Lectures"!  Just a guess!!!  This has helped cut down the number of emails I get.
I have a funny one to share.  A few semesters ago my undergrad students completed their exams some time between Friday at 8 a.m. and Monday at 12 a.m.  They could do it from any location they wanted (home, library, computer lab), use their books and/or notes, and had 2 hours to do the exam.  A student in class said, "I really think you should change the days and time of the exams.  I mean, seriously who wants to take an exam on the weekend.  We have lives you know.  Like last exam, I had class all day Friday, had a date Friday night, worked all day Saturday, went to a party Saturday night, had a hangover on Sunday, and then went to my parent's house Sunday afternoon and evening.  When was I supposed to take the exam?"  I was literally awestruck.  Then I shook my head and said, "Are you serious?  Or are you trying to be funny?  If you're serious, then I highly suggest you reorganize your priorities.  A date, work, a party, and a hangover 'got in the way' of you taking an exam?  If you don't take college seriously enough to reorganize your busy social life, get out and let someone who cares about it have your student loan money!"  I said it in front of the entire class too.  It was possibly the b*tchiest thing I've ever said to a student, but I was pissed off.  How dare you tell me that my class and its' exams are less important than a party, a date, work, and a hangover?!?!?!
Oh, and another one.  I'm teaching only grad students this semester, and one just emailed me to say that is assignment will be late (which I told him he'll lose 10% for every day that it's late) but that he's bringing me a gift tomorrow that he hopes will cause me to reconsider his point deduction and give him some points back.  Unless the guy is bringing me Johnny Depp wrapped in a bow holding 10 million dollars, he's not getting 1/1000th of a point back!
I could go on and on and on with similar craziness, but I won't bore you all!

[ideagirl]

A student in class said, "I really think you should change the days and time of the exams.  I mean, seriously who wants to take an exam on the weekend.  We have lives you know.  Like last exam, I had class all day Friday, had a date Friday night, worked all day Saturday, went to a party Saturday night, had a hangover on Sunday, and then went to my parent's house Sunday afternoon and evening.  When was I supposed to take the exam?"  I was literally awestruck.  Then I shook my head and said, "Are you serious?  Or are you trying to be funny?  If you're serious, then I highly suggest you reorganize your priorities.  A date, work, a party, and a hangover 'got in the way' of you taking an exam?  If you don't take college seriously enough to reorganize your busy social life, get out and let someone who cares about it have your student loan money!"  I said it in front of the entire class too. 

I believe your response merits this: "High f*cking five!!!"

[katherineparr]

No, Ideagirl.

The idea of Johnny Depp, wrapped in a bow and holding 10 million dollars - now *that* gets a high-five.

[big_giant_head]

Oh, this is a pleasant one.  The assignment in question should be a Definition essay, 3 or 4 pages long.  The paper this person is describing does not sound even remotely like what I assigned.  He has a grade in the high 50th percentile because he has not turned in several assignments.  The class is online, but this message came to me in my campus inbox rather than via the ANGEL dropbox or even my ANGEL email inbox.  Enjoy:


"I couldn't save this essay in Rich Text because it was 20 million plus
bytes.

I have been extremely busy with writing this research analysis of a
survey i conducted on [other university] student's. I hope you will recognize this
time i've put into this paper.
Also i need some help with my grade in this class. I've taken
this class 4 times and need it to graduate with a business degree from
[Other] State University. With it being close to Christmas time i hope
you have some sympathy and will help me pass this class with at least a
"C". I really really really need this class. Please Please Please help
Thanks a bunch
[Not Going to Pass This Semester, Either]
Happy Holiday"

[big_giant_head]

And you know, I would just bet my next meal that he thought he could pass the class easily this time because this is a CC and not Other State University. 

Sorry, son.  For some reason, I'm feeling slightly less Christmassy now.

[conjugate]

Ah, a couple of gems of rare and verdant sort (not really):

I can be there Thursday. What time works best for you? In case i dont check my email my phone number is <xxx yyy-zzzz>. Thanks again.

<Student>

> When can you be in <University Town>?  I'll be here Wednesday and Thursday.

>>
>> Sir, I just now checked my email and saw that the final was this
>> morning at 8 and I thought that it was Friday because thats what my
>> friend told me and im still in <other town> is there any way that I can
>> take the final sometime else.
>>
>> Thank you,
>>
>> <Student>

I e-mailed the student with a list of times; if he/she doesn't check e-mail, knowing a reply should be forthcoming, well, not my problem.  The student's first e-mail is at the bottom; my reply, with the single > in front of it, is in the middle; the student's last reply is at the top.

[scienceprof]

I got an email yesterday that simply said
"HELP ME!"

[octoprof]

I got an email yesterday that simply said
"HELP ME!"

Was it from an orphan in Nigeria needing help accessing the family fortune in a Swiss bank?

[comp_queen]

Dear Professor, I saw that I lost points on the lab for questions I left blank. I thought they were rhetorical questions. Can I answer them now and get back the points?

Geonerd, are you going to add "none of these questions are rhetorical" to future assignment instructions?

Svenc, did you want me to answer that, or was it a rhetorical question?  :)
Incidentally, this is my fantasy response to the student's email as well. In reality I went with CQ's suggestion. Thanks CQ.

I swear my syllabus gets longer every year because of silly things like this.

Glad to be of service :)

A lot of times, they don't learn simple things like this in eighth grade anymore, and they really are grateful just to be told.

I can't tell you how many times I've been THANKED by both little snowflakes and students who are fully grown up grandparents for explaining the difference between a sentence and a sentence fragment.  It's both touching and disturbing.

[octoprof]

Dear Professor, I saw that I lost points on the lab for questions I left blank. I thought they were rhetorical questions. Can I answer them now and get back the points?

Geonerd, are you going to add "none of these questions are rhetorical" to future assignment instructions?

Svenc, did you want me to answer that, or was it a rhetorical question?  :)
Incidentally, this is my fantasy response to the student's email as well. In reality I went with CQ's suggestion. Thanks CQ.

I swear my syllabus gets longer every year because of silly things like this.

Glad to be of service :)

A lot of times, they don't learn simple things like this in eighth grade anymore, and they really are grateful just to be told.

I can't tell you how many times I've been THANKED by both little snowflakes and students who are fully grown up grandparents for explaining the difference between a sentence and a sentence fragment.  It's both touching and disturbing.

How about,"None of the questions you are ever asked on an exam are rhetorical?"