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[mountain_ivy]

Here is my Seinfeld moment....

What is with the dramatic student emails?

I have been inundated with emails from students using the most ridiculous language, I guess in an attempt to illustrate to me how dire their situations are.  Excerpts...

"I cut my arm open to the bone"

"My doctors do not know if my illness is a minor one or the disease that killed 11 members of my family"

"I have not been able to eat in three days, and I am so weak I cannot even lift my head to drink some water"

"My best friend was in a horrible car accident, and she almost died at the scene, and since she has no remaining family left on earth, I had to help her out at home once she left the hospital"

I feel terrible for these students, if all of this is true, but I also feel like a total ogre that they feel they have to be so dramatic in order to gain my sympathy.

Anyone else get these dramatic emails?

And before anyone says anything about not being able to drink water, but being able to type an email, the student did tell me that she asked her roommate to type that message and send it.  It still is a bit ridiculous.

Sounds as if they're  cuts from creative writing assignments.  I'm still pretty amazed by their creativity.

[comp_queen]

Professor G:

I apologize for missing class today.  It was my last chance to meet
with my adviser and work out financial issues that were barring my
registration.  This is not a valid excuse for not attending your class, but those problems had only recently come to my attention and required immediate action.  I would happily undertake any remedial assignment to compensate for my lack of attendance.

Nope, nope, nope.  College is about choices, and you chose clearing up (perhaps very serious) financial issues over an assignment worth 10% of the grade.

I'm with kay on this one.  From what you said later, it seems like you may have reason to believe the student is lying, but I gotta tell you, this sort of thing happened all the time at the SLAC I attended for undergrad--5 different friends of mine in one academic year experienced the following adventure.

Out of the blue, I'm betting without even a glance at the student's schedule, our financial aid folks would call up a student, basically say "Get over here now because you didn't pay XYZ bill."  Student would go running over and say, "No, I paid that bill six weeks ago."  FA folks would bluster some more, then they'd finally actually open the student's file and find the receipt for the payment, or the proper form or whatever, and mumble some nonsense about a data entry mix-up.  This was a SMALL school.  This HAD to be deliberate "let's screw with the students because we're bored in our small town" kind of stuff. (Which is an unfair reaction to SLACville because it is a lovely place--I wish I weren't two time zones away and could visit more often). 

The registrar's office folks would also make you wait two weeks for a transcript--TWO WEEKS.  I'm a goody two shoes, so I never got up the courage to say, "Excuse, me, ma'am, there is no one else in the office.  You were not doing anything when I walked in (seriously--they made a point of looking directly past your shoulder for at least thirty seconds before saying hello; we're not talking about finishing a professional phone call).  This is educational information about me to which I am entitled by law; a delay of two days, let alone two weeks, is unreasonable and illogical.  It won't take you five minutes to walk through that door into the next room where the files are kept and generate a transcript for me.  I'd be happy to wait here on these lovely chairs, in the waiting area."

Somebody somewhere along the line must have complained though, because in the alumni years it's never taken me more than two working days to get a transcript from them.

My current place is great, but don't be quick to disbelieve students' accounts of these things.  I'm actually appalled--if you do believe the student is telling the truth--that you're going to attach a penalty to the makeup.

[gourmetless]

Sorry you are appalled.  No, I'm really not.

I do not believe him.  I do not believe that he had to see his advisor about financial issues from 10-10:50, exactly at the time he had a presentation scheduled in a class.

I just placed the ball in his court.  If he does turn out to be telling the truth, things can change.  But the burden of taking responsibility for his choice is on him.

While he is doing better in the class, he still has a tendency to turn things in late.

[slac_vap]

Somebody somewhere along the line must have complained though, because in the alumni years it's never taken me more than two working days to get a transcript from them.

Likely this is because when you were a student, you were required to give the University money as a matter of course; as an alum, they are begging you to give them money simply out of the goodness of your heart.

[ms_turtle]

Well, I did it. I sent the following email to a student.

"Hi. Yes, I did receive your message. However, I'm not really sure what your question was due to a complete lack of punctuation, capitalization, and sentence structure."

Trust me, you don't want to see the email from the student. Note that I didn't write 'read the email'.

[not_a_gradstudent1]

This came in last night:

Dear professor,

I'll be missing class on Thursday because I'm leaving town tomorrow for my Thanksgiving vacation ...


The email goes on and on, but I'm having a hard time getting past that first sentence.

[anthroid]

This came in last night:

Dear professor,

I'll be missing class on Thursday because I'm leaving town tomorrow for my Thanksgiving vacation ...


The email goes on and on, but I'm having a hard time getting past that first sentence.

You mean, you do not subscribe to the Thanksgiving=2 weeks' vacation hypothesis? 

God.  You're so mean.

[comp_queen]

Somebody somewhere along the line must have complained though, because in the alumni years it's never taken me more than two working days to get a transcript from them.

Likely this is because when you were a student, you were required to give the University money as a matter of course; as an alum, they are begging you to give them money simply out of the goodness of your heart.

Good luck to them.  They will never, ever get a penny from me.  The one exception I make for this is that someday I would be willing to make specific donations, that may be touched ONLY by the department I majored in, in memory of favorite profs, when that becomes appropriate.

[thensomequestions]

Well, I did it. I sent the following email to a student.

"Hi. Yes, I did receive your message. However, I'm not really sure what your question was due to a complete lack of punctuation, capitalization, and sentence structure."

Trust me, you don't want to see the email from the student. Note that I didn't write 'read the email'.

Oh, but I do!

[yemaya]

Professor G:

I apologize for missing class today.  It was my last chance to meet
with my adviser and work out financial issues that were barring my
registration.  This is not a valid excuse for not attending your class, but those problems had only recently come to my attention and required immediate action.  I would happily undertake any remedial assignment to compensate for my lack of attendance.

Nope, nope, nope.  College is about choices, and you chose clearing up (perhaps very serious) financial issues over an assignment worth 10% of the grade.

I'm with kay on this one.  From what you said later, it seems like you may have reason to believe the student is lying, but I gotta tell you, this sort of thing happened all the time at the SLAC I attended for undergrad--5 different friends of mine in one academic year experienced the following adventure.

Out of the blue, I'm betting without even a glance at the student's schedule, our financial aid folks would call up a student, basically say "Get over here now because you didn't pay XYZ bill."  Student would go running over and say, "No, I paid that bill six weeks ago."  FA folks would bluster some more, then they'd finally actually open the student's file and find the receipt for the payment, or the proper form or whatever, and mumble some nonsense about a data entry mix-up.  This was a SMALL school.  This HAD to be deliberate "let's screw with the students because we're bored in our small town" kind of stuff. (Which is an unfair reaction to SLACville because it is a lovely place--I wish I weren't two time zones away and could visit more often). 

The registrar's office folks would also make you wait two weeks for a transcript--TWO WEEKS.  I'm a goody two shoes, so I never got up the courage to say, "Excuse, me, ma'am, there is no one else in the office.  You were not doing anything when I walked in (seriously--they made a point of looking directly past your shoulder for at least thirty seconds before saying hello; we're not talking about finishing a professional phone call).  This is educational information about me to which I am entitled by law; a delay of two days, let alone two weeks, is unreasonable and illogical.  It won't take you five minutes to walk through that door into the next room where the files are kept and generate a transcript for me.  I'd be happy to wait here on these lovely chairs, in the waiting area."

Somebody somewhere along the line must have complained though, because in the alumni years it's never taken me more than two working days to get a transcript from them.

My current place is great, but don't be quick to disbelieve students' accounts of these things.  I'm actually appalled--if you do believe the student is telling the truth--that you're going to attach a penalty to the makeup.

I think for me, the student's overall performance would figure in as far as whether or not I believed him/her.  If they had a good attendance record and turned in reasonable quality work on time and didn't have a track record of making excuses, I might be inclined to cut the kid some slack.  But I too have seen an incredible level of ineptitude on the part of bursars, registrars and financial aid offices.  Stupid and completely incompetent seems to be a job requirement.  So I do have some sympathy.  On the other hand, if the student had a lengthy track record of making excuses, non-attendance, etc, it would be too bad, so sad.

[dillon]

This was sent to me by a colleague who received it from a student.  Some minor elements changed to protect anonymity:

Professor,

I'm not sure if I'm remembering this correctly, but I think there was a question on the test that asked what __ would do in a ___ situation. I don't have a copy of the test anymore, so I'm not sure, but I think you had the right answer being that ____ would happen. That is what happens when ____ occurs, not ___.

Now, even though there's a 90% chance I'm remembering incorrectly, and my grade doesn't really need an extra point, don't think I'm being nitpicky about this. I am merely concerned for the other members of the class. Imagine this:

One student would have passed the class if he just got one more point on this test. Passing, he graduates college and gets a middle income job evaluating employee performance at a rubber factory. With his accumulated savings over the course of 25 years at that job, he is able to send his daughter to college. She majors in linguistics and mathematics. In the year 2039 aliens make contact with the planet earth. Using math, the universal language, and her mastery of foreign languages, she is able to create a primitive dialog with these beings. They grant us ion propulsion technology and the cure for cancer. With that cure for cancer, a wealthy businessman is healed on his death bed, granting him an extra 2 years of sweet sweet life, during which he strikes up a friendship with me. Tragically, he is killed by a speeding flying car in 2041. Being his best friend, he leaves me his entire fortune, estimated at 12 billion dollars. Canadian dollars, not the severely devalued U.S. currency.

You know what, though, it's probably nothing.
--end email--

The colleague and I got quite a chuckle out of the student's creativity.  And for what it's worth, the student was right (about the test question, the rest of course is speculative).

[galactic_hedgehog]

Tragically, he is killed by a speeding flying car in 2041. Being his best friend, he leaves me his entire fortune, estimated at 12 billion dollars. Canadian dollars, not the severely devalued U.S. currency.

Ah, but what is $12 billion Canadian really worth in 2041?

[ms_turtle]

Well, I did it. I sent the following email to a student.

"Hi. Yes, I did receive your message. However, I'm not really sure what your question was due to a complete lack of punctuation, capitalization, and sentence structure."

Trust me, you don't want to see the email from the student. Note that I didn't write 'read the email'.

Oh, but I do!

Make sure you are sitting down and have your spew shield ready. The quotations marks are mine. The student managed a period or two in the message.

"hello _______, this ________ i just wanted to send a message this is my first time back to __________ from being gona overseas and i had to post porn the class instill i return i know you said send a message if i need to find out some information on the class and i just wanted to makesure that i was sending  the right information to the students in my atudy group and i been sending information to let them know i am in the group and i save it and i know you got some information from me as well. If possible you get this information if you can send me some information on the situation because i sent it from my yahoo.com email address that the school is uses too. If get this message please inform me of the situation thankyou and have a bless night."

[anakin]

.... If get this message please inform me of the situation thankyou and have a bless night."

Don't do it! Don't hit reply! It's a Nigerian spam scam!

[european]

I sincerely hope that wasn't a native speaker. And even then.