next »

[disclaimer311]

This is my 2nd year teaching at a mid-tier state univ, where I supervise 10+ doctoral students (isn't this inhumane?--but that's not what I am complaining about today). Occasionally, I get grad students, decidedly somewhat older low-performing females, who bring their boyfriends/husbands to research/dissertation meetings. These men are not academics or students, and they obviously have flexible work schedules (and loose dress codes at work, if you know what I mean)...

These are meant to be individual meetings between the student and I, but somehow they feel the need to bring their men. I'm a heterosexual female, so I don't think this is about jealous men fearing that I might steal their women.

I usually politely ask these men to wait outside while I speak to "their women," but they decidedly want to remain in the room!  I found this very, very odd (and inappropriate).  These women want their men to be present--and I cannot figure out why. The presence of these men REALLY interferes with our research efforts (especially when they sit there and keep on yawning or going through my books/lab equipment).

So I am directing this question to you: WHY is it that these women bring their men to dissertation meetings? Are they trying to intimidate me, so that I won't fail them? HOW can I prevent them from coming to meetings?  Any input would be appreciated...  Thanks!

[smart_e_pantz]

HOW can I prevent them from coming to meetings?  Any input would be appreciated...  Thanks!

I can't answer the first part; but, you can prevent them from coming to meetings by telling them to get the hell out because it is not appropriate for them to be there!

[adhoc]

This is my 2nd year teaching at a mid-tier state univ, where I supervise 10+ doctoral students (isn't this inhumane?)

No! It's incredible! I mean it's literally incredible! That is to say, completely not believable.

So, enough fun already, why don't you slink back under your bridge?

[adhoc]

I hope this characterization by one person, "crazybatlady," won't deter others from providing me with helpful comments. Thank you.

Don't worry, it won't.  The obvious "trollishness" of your post will keep others from taking you seriously.  If you really don't have any idea what I'm talking about, then may I suggest that before you start an obviously troll thread, you do enough research to know what is and what is not a legitimate question.

[missemily]

I'll make a few guesses on this.

1. They want their men to see that they're doing something important with an important doctor-person.

2. They want their men there in case they run into trouble with you. In fact, maybe they're heading off trouble by bringing the man along. With a man there, you won't dare criticize the student. In either case, the man will keep you in line.

3.  It's the men who want to come, just to make sure the little lady doesn't get treated badly by some over-educated female egghead.

4.  As is the case in other enterprises, it doesn't count unless a male "member" is present.

5.  Maybe they're going somewhere afterward, and it's too hot for him to wait in the car.

(Geez, I hope none of these seems right. Well, maybe 5 would be OK.)

[smart_e_pantz]

OK...  one of you go ahead and smack me upside the head for falling for the troll.

[disclaimer311]

Oh, wow, this is what social psychologists call "groupthink," I suppose!  Wow, a couple of people (through multiple replies) start accusing a poster of being a troll, and everyone follows...

Thanks, "missemily" and "smarty_pants" (the first post) for actually replying with integrity and compassion. Please rest assured that you did not reply to a troll, and you actually eased my pain this evening.

I am not sure why a couple of people got so violently ticked off by my problem--but I guess I don't really care.  I only hope they will get some help...  And, yes, it is normal to have 10+ doctral students in my dept., if that's what's making you think that I am a troll...  Wow--there are some mean people on this board...

[voxprincipalis]

I'll make a few guesses on this.

1. They want their men to see that they're doing something important with an important doctor-person.

2. They want their men there in case they run into trouble with you. In fact, maybe they're heading off trouble by bringing the man along. With a man there, you won't dare criticize the student. In either case, the man will keep you in line.

3.  It's the men who want to come, just to make sure the little lady doesn't get treated badly by some over-educated female egghead.

4.  As is the case in other enterprises, it doesn't count unless a male "member" is present.

5.  Maybe they're going somewhere afterward, and it's too hot for him to wait in the car.

You forgot, "the men hope that the two of you will somehow get into a catfight and start ripping each other's clothes off."

VP

[crazybatlady]

LOL!  Perfect, Voxy Foxy!

[shamu]

Oh, wow, this is what social psychologists call "groupthink," I suppose!  Wow, a couple of people (through multiple replies) start accusing a poster of being a troll, and everyone follows...

LOL! My first hunch was that the original post may not be completely genuine (to be gentle), so I suppose that is "group telepathy". Suppressing my gut feeling that the OP might not be accurate, I do have some suggestions at the end, I promise. However, I do have to list some reasons why I thought the OP was not 100% accurate:
1. I have never even heard of significant others in any capacity (men or women) want to stay at research meetings. Not even one.
2. I find it hard to believe that you would get more than one of those.
3. Even if I suspend my disbelief that such occurrences happen to one professor multiple times within a short time frame, I find it even harder to believe that an uninterested (cf. "yawn", etc.) significant  other would stay after being told to leave.

Now for the suggestion: I'd put a video camera in my room, set it up where it is visible, and if a student brings in any uninvolved party (spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, mother, father, neighbor), I'd say "Please note that this session will be recorded, because it is now considered public." Mind you, you may need to consult legal counsel before you do any of this; I have no idea what (if any) legal ramifications might need to be considered.

[trabb]

Charitably assuming this to be a real question...

First, I think historically defenses have been open to the university community and (possibly) to the public - not a meeting of six people held behind locked doors.

Second, my partner came to my defense (but waited outside) for two reasons.  First, my partner wished to meet the people with whom I'd been working for the past three years.  Second, I consumed enough beer after my defense that I couldn't have found my car on my own, and if I had, I'd have been a threat to pedestrians and motorists alike.

[zharkov]

... Occasionally, I get grad students, decidedly somewhat older low-performing females, who bring their boyfriends/husbands to research/dissertation meetings. These men are not academics or students, and they obviously have flexible work schedules (and loose dress codes at work, if you know what I mean)...
...

Troll or not, your description of your students is "trollish."  Why would you say these students are older low-performing females, unless you are trying to get a rise out of people?  Age, performance, and gender are side issues to your problem.  Tell the partners to wait in the hall or tell them where the coffee shop is. End of story.

[crazybatlady]

Wow!  A little threat and the troll gets his way.

It's not just the irrelevant information about the students--"females" (female what?  Do you mean "women"?), their age, ability, and the class status of their partners and thus themselves--it's that the supposed professor OP is also a woman and unable to control her own office and meetings.

Don't feed the troll.

[helpful]

Sorry trabb (because I like most of your posts), but you never read the OP! She said "research meetings". She didn't say defense!

[grasshopper]

Come on, guys (and girls, for you "feminists" out there). Give the OP the benefit of the doubt. Haven't we all worked with "those kinds" of women? You know the ones... always need their men around. Especially older women. The young ones are generally a bit more "Britney Spears" than "Liz Taylor." The Lizzes just feel safer with a big ol' man around. Everybody knows that. I don't know why you're getting all bent out of shape.

And anyway, why wouldn't they want their men around? As women, we may as well admit that we're weaker than men, and generally not as able to defend ourselves as well - neither intellectually nor physically. Hey, don't blame the OP. It's biological. 

Everybody knows that.

Disclaimer, I think that one tactic you might want to try is to gently guide your girl students into more "feminine" types of research. This, of course, would depend on the field, but since you mention labs, I'm guessing you're in one of the sciences? Perhaps something to do with "women's troubles," then? The girls would feel less threatened, and hence less likely to need the big strong shoulders of their men to prop them up; and the men would be too embarrassed to sit through a one-hour meeting about girls' stuff. Everybody wins.