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[Dale]

Okay so I have a bit of wanderlust, I think, and it's brought on by working in a not so terribly interesting academic advising office where we see students who are essentially failing all day, nearly every day.  Also contributing to this is the glaring salary discrepancies on my campus, but that's another b*tch session (usually I'm not a party in those talks, but eventually it happens).

So the question is this:  How would you broach the subject with a significant other/spouse/partner about moving overseas for positions with more responsibility (which I would like) and more money (which we're likely to need, as we have a new female version of me cooing in her crib)?

I would like to move to a country that speaks English as a primary language, as my foreign language skills (Spanish) have not been used for nearly 5 years.  I'm in my 20s with one child, and happen to be male.

[anon in social sciences]

>>How would you broach the subject with a significant other/spouse/partner about moving overseas

Obviously it's going to vary by relationship, but I would broach it directly.  I would also not push it too hard.

imagined conversation:
"Hey, Beautiful, what would you think about moving overseas?"
"Overseas, why?"
"Well, I'd like more responsibility on the job, and the pay might be better."

[WannaBee]

If you have a new baby, your wife will probably think about the baby's well-being before she even thinks of her own, so do a little bit of research on the countries that interest you and find out about things like health care, quality of schools, etc.  The U.K. has a good reputation in those areas, but it wouldn't hurt to have some background info ready to put her mind at ease.

Sounds like a nice adventure!

WB

[jumping to conclusions]

I just realized that the new baby made me assume a hetero. relationship, but a same-sex couple could always adopt.

Either way, though, I can imagine a spouse/partner wanting information on how the move will affect the child.

WannaBee

[Dale]

Because I don't mind to be identified if my office happens onto the forums, I am happily married to a beautiful woman and we're both heterosexual.

Complicating matters is the proximity to relatives who will miss the new baby terribly and whom she (my wife) is quite attached.

In any case, I don't think it'll happen even if I push hard or soft.  I've been wanting to move back to my home state (three states away) for some time and that won't happen either.  So I'm "stuck" in my mid-west state.

But, one can dream :).

[Claudia]

I would bring it up - you might be astonished. One "sales point" would be that it's much easier to do it now than when the baby starts in school. You could agree on returning at the latest when the little one is old enough for Kindergarten. : )

[anon]

it is better to recruit her early than late...   no one likes to find out their spouse has been dreaming of a whole new life and has it all planned out.

[Dale]

I suppose this stems from my earlier interest before I went to graduate school.  I looked for jobs in housing but found the system to be quite different, as described by other posters.

Well, doesn't hurt to try.  Though she might think I've gone round the bend.

[Sip]

I don't know how I broached it with my wife -- other than we were just married and both liked the idea of an adventure.  We thought (and spoke) of it in terms of a short term thing, but we both took a liking to our life overseas and that temporary fling turned into something long-term.  Just beware the saying "you can never go home" has truth to it, because you'll forever feel attached to that foreign place/culture and friends/family back home in the US won't understand what you're doing, what you experienced, or how you've changed.

[chocky]

I think an important thing to stress is that nothing has to be forever. You are not signing your lives away. Suggest it as a short-term adventure, maybe a year or two in the first instance, rather than making it feel like you are emigrating. I have got myself through two overseas moves by reminding myself that if I don't like it, I don't have to stay, I can move on. The beauty of this mindset is that you can be prepared to enjoy all the fun and excitement wothout feeling like it is an all or nothing decision. Plus, remember that the world is a much smaller place than it used to be. Flights to and from Europe or Australasia are not bad, and with email and the internet you feel like you are still in touch with home. I talk on the phone to my family, and spend more time with them (they LOVE to visit) than I ever did!

[ms daisy]

We moved to a 3-year post-doc in the Netherlands with a one month old baby, and that was a hellacious adjustment at first. But we grew to really love it there and were really bummed about having to move back to the U.S. (coincidentally, just a few weeks before 9-11). However, if we had stayed we would have had to pay for an expensive English-speaking private school because from our friends we heard that the Dutch can be pretty nasty about the language skills of foreigners in their public school system. In any case, there are no regrets about the overseas post-doc, went back for a visit recently, and still miss all the friends I made there.

Someone commented that it would be easier to do a stint overseas while the baby is young/small. Perhaps, IF you are planning to live there for a very long time (say, 10 years) -- because that way the kid won't have to work hard to adjust culturally. But despite my overall positive experience, I would not recommend it for a short-term fixed contract period. For the shorter period, wait til your kid is 7 or 8, when they will be able to appreciate/enjoy/remember the whole cultural experience. By then, too, your baby won't be so tricky health-wise, won't need any more immunizations (it was fun to get them the Dutch way -- not!) and she will be in general less work to take care of -- so you won't have to worry about your wife having a nervous breakdown from being overworked.

I say overworked because, remember, if you do a job in a non-English speaking country, most of YOUR time will be spent in a university setting where your colleagues and staff people will likely speak English. But your PARTNER (esp. as a new mom) will be stuck home dealing with EVERYONE and EVERYTHING ELSE (e.g., doctors, shopworkers, repairmen, window cleaners, babysitters, neighbors, other parents, other peoples kids, customer service folks, etc. -- some of whom may well be frighteningly intolerant of foreigners). And everything in that other country, even the English speaking ones, will be different -- down to the what things are available and how they are classified/organized in the grocery store. [For the record, if you need ice for a summer party in the Netherlands, you have to make it yourself. You will get laughed at if you ask at a store].

I would say the same thing regardless of the language spoken in whatever country you choose.

[Dale]

Thanks, all.  I have enjoyed the thread.  I did discuss it for a couple of minutes with the wife, and it was a no-go.  I'm not heart-set on it, but I think it would be a great thing.  Will have to wait until another time.