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[freaking out]

My partner has just been diagnosed with cancer and we are facing the very real possibility of a permanent disability resulting from the treatment (necessary to stay alive). At the same time, there will be a long course of chemo [which I hear people do manage to work and chemo at the same time] and the surgery itself will likely come at the worst time -- mid-semester.

The department (at an R1) already knows, but we're not sure how they will react when they realize my partner might not be able to teach at all next academic year. I've told my partner I could pinch-hit on the bad days, but what about the surgery period, where we're looking at several weeks in the hospital????!!!

What can we reasonably expect from the department in terms of help in terms of something like this? We were told by the univ benefits offc that medical leave (unpaid) is advisable, and it will keep us in the benefits programs but with no accompanying academic salary we won't be able to pay the premiums, etc.!!

We've just looked into our insurance situation. While the medical is decent, the disability insurance is a stop-gap at best and we have no long-term care insurance of any sort. While we're at it, the life insurance we took out on each other appears to be inadequate too, so dying won't solve anything. We're both still pretty young so we thought we had a few years to figure this one out. I'm still finishing up my PhD, and we always thought we'd start financial planning stuff after I was done and could at least get started teaching a few classes.

My current sucky job will not be sufficient to support us all (we have kids), even at the low level we have become accustomed to. And soon I'll have to quit to take care of my partner, who faces a long road to recovery. We're not even worried about falling behind on the tenure requirements at this point. I just need to know what on earth we are supposed to do to just survive !?!?!?! Are we just totally screwed? Are we going to lose our house?

[Clean]

I am sorry for your situation.  My immediate advice is to breath.  You just found out about this.  Take time to breath.

For others reading this, you must know that Long term disability is a Must!  This is not the time for “should have or could have”, though.

Back to the point.  You are not screwed.  You will face some difficulty, but most of it is stuff.  For now, your efforts need to be to keep your family going and not worry about the stuff/things.  Things come and go.  Focus on your loved ones.  Find support and comfort in all of your family.

Let me tell you what the department is likely to do.  They will rally to support you.  We had a similar incident this term.  Our coworker developed a medical problem in November that unexpectedly took him out for the rest of the term.  We covered the classes.  This term we cancelled his classes (more correctly we reshuffled the schedule, cancelled some classes, we pitched in and covered the others.)  His last surgery was last week.  We are looking forward to his return in summer school.

So either they will work out a way to allow them to start the classes or cover when the surgery occurs they will cancel classes and just 'reassign' your partner to some other administrative task.  Otherwise they will somehow work out a way to help you financially.

When you have a chance, after you have had plenty of hugs and taken plenty of deep breaths, ask the human recourses department about the "leave pool".  At many universities, employees can donate some of their own sick pay to the pool to help those that are, like your partner, going to be out for an extended period and risk losing pay.  There may be other plans there as well.

Again, good luck.  

clean

[tamiam]

I'm terribly sorry for your situation.

Have you ever worked with someone who has has had cancer?

I have - once. Granted it was in private industry, so it might not be applicable; it was also a company full of very, very nice people all the way to the top. They held that guy's job and office for months; while not actually expecting him to do any work except things that weren't deadline driven.

Fortunately, academia does have a significant portion of productive work (i.e. some kinds of research) that doesn't have external deadlines attached to it. The best scenario would be if your partner were able to get classes covered but still be a part of the academic community.

As for the financial repercussions - my only advice is "don't borrow trouble." You've got enough to worry about right now without thinking of what may or may not happen 6 months from now. Put one foot in front of the other, do what you've got to do, and focus on your partner's health.

Do keep us posted. Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

[freaking out]

Trying to breathe. I know, stuff is just stuff when you look at it. I think it would be easier if little ones were not involved. Most of the panic at this point is at the prospect of becoming in a  few months a caregiver to a severely physically disabled person. I'm a lousy caregiver, knowing this after trying to take care of my mom after she broke both legs some years back (she fired me -- evne thuogh I came free of charge!). Also, I don't know how either of us will handle the disability at an emotional level, having both been very active and athletic and independent before. (I know it's not the end of the world, but that depends on how my partner takes it after the fact).

We are both going into the department today to take care of some grant paperwork stuff (determined to be hopeful about the future) that I basically need to do the legwork for because my partner can't walk at this point.

So we will see what the department will do in terms of helping. It wouldn't be sucha  worry except that it's a resource-poor dept. and they are short on people right now. There's no one who can cover for my partner, who can cancel one class easily but the other is a requirement for graduation and no one else can teach it.

[mouse]

Wow, what a nightmare.

Re your finances, you should probably make an appointment to talk with a professional financial adviser.  You can get good general advice here, no doubt, but someone who can look at all your papers and make some phone calls can help you a lot more.

Re your family's emotional well-being, try to find a counselor or support group for that, too!  You're a smart person, you can learn, that means you can learn to be a caregiver if you have to.  A cancer support group can help you all bend your energies and emotions toward recovery.

I wish you all the best.

[Sweetheart]

With others, I send my best wishes and prayers for your family.

As to being a poor care-giver:  don't sell yourself short.  You'll find out that you're able to do all sorts of things when you have to, especially for somebody you love.  In a different context, I've been dealing with an aging widowed mom who lives an hour away from me; in the past five years it's been one health crisis (none life-threatening, but all difficult) after another.  I have one sibling who is about 1500 miles away, but she and Mom haven't gotten along for years anyway; financially and personality-wise (Mom wouldn't hear of it), outside help isn't an option.  I was adjuncting and then got my tt job two years ago, plus have a husband and two teens, and at the outset of this period of my life, I went into something of a meltdown--"I can't do all this!"  I threw my little fit, cried for a week, railed at the unfairness, etc., and then buckled down to do what has to be done.  It hasn't been easy, and I have had to learn to let some things slide, but it can be done.  

I hope this doesn't come across as belittlling your situation; I can't imagine how upsetting it has to be for you.  I just hope maybe it helps to encourage you a little to know that you will, indeed, surprise yourself by doing what needs to be done, and doing it just fine, once the time comes.  All the best to you, and please keep us posted--you're going to need the support and encouragement of others.

[%sig%]

[Spork]

A few thoughts:

Tuesdays With Morrie is a book detailing the advancing disability of a man with ALS.  There's some nuggets of wisdom for caregivers in it.  Also good advice on how to cope emotionally.

I second the advice on seeing a professional financial advisor.  The university may be able to offer such services for free. since faculty are often strapped financially.

Your partner's cancer treatment should include some form of support for caregivers (technical, emotional, or both).  Your partner's oncologist or the hospital where treatment is performed should be able to plug you in to a network that can help teach you the details of home care, etc.

As a final note, the more your partner is involved in his/her care, the better.  The feeling of losing control is one of the most difficult emotions to deal with during an illness, and even the small decisions (who does laundry when, who cooks what for dinner, etc.) can help alleviate that.

[Prytania]

I, too, am sorry for your situation, but I think Tamiam is right. You need to breathe and think of all the options available to you. First, there is the Family Leave Act, which will give you time off the job. Second, your husband may qualify for disability. Joining a support group may be of help as well. People in these groups have often been through what you are now just facing and may know a lot of resources available to you. They will also provide a lot of emotional support.

I wish you the very best in this difficult situation.

[anon]

Dear freaking out, my heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you. I come from a family which has been torn up by cancer so I speak from experience. Jobs come and go so spend your time with your partner.  Blessings.

[that was me]

Dear Freaking,
My heart also goes out to you. I taught during six rounds of chemo (well, I taught during 4 of them; the first was before the term and the last was during the couple of weeks I had off between terms). It was doable though hard. My dept was lovely and so were the HR folks. At the same time, I somehow lost a course release because no one protected it during my sick leave, and in general I found that it was a little hard to both feel like I was doing stiff upper lip and also get what I needed. It's hard to find the right balance. Best thing I did was ask my doc for a 3-month disabled parking pass. That way I could save my limited energy for the walk to class from the parking lot, not from the parking lot to the other end of the parking lot.  

Try to breathe, yes, and start doing some little things that will keep you sane and reasonably comfortable. YOur partner might be well advised to get teeth cleaned before chemo (I ended up with a horrible cavity because I didn't have time to do this; during chemo you become really susceptible to things, and teeth seem minor but later on can bring on  lots of unnec. pain and cost).  Rinse mouth with salt water several times a day--can keep the mouth from getting sore (big source of misery avoided). And be advised that with some chemos, constipation is a humongous source of misery.  Ask in advance for ways to prevent these minor things that can add up to a more difficult time than you need.

Also, I went to the free Am. cancer soc. beauty days.  Not because I used anything or ever wore a wig, but because having free cosmetics made me feel pampered.

Good luck to both of you!!!!!

[freaking out]

Thanks everyone.

Talked to the department chair today and he said -- don't worry about a thing, we got you guys covered, we will make it work, and your partner will keep drawing a salary. [But somehow I won't believe it until I see it].

The problem that remains is ME. I am not emotionally equipped to be a caregiver. And this was supposed to be my year -- my turn to be the one allowed to hole up in the office and work -- so I could write my diss and get a job (whether here or elsewhere) and move our family up to the next income bracket. That was the plan. I had given up my own work for 6 years so my partner could focus on the TT reqs (review is next acad year so all we need to take care of is compiling the dossier, no problem). And then I could have this and next acad year to finish my degree.

Now that is all out the window. And today all the resentment and anger about having given up my needs to accommodate and prioritize my partner has suddenly bubbled up. I hate it! I hate it all! I hate this cancer and what it is not only doing to my partner but also how much it will hurt my children and how it is hurting my own future and the future I wanted to give my children.

And right now, I feel like I hate my partner for getting sick. Not really, of course. But it's just so devastating and miserable and why couldn't the cancer wait until I had a job!?! At least then we would have had the money to pay for everything, including a caregiver and/or a maid and/ or some other domestic assistance.

I've found tons of cancer support stuff for patients and survivors. There is nothing for informal caregivers. Even all our messages of support from friends and family are all directed towards my partner. Somehow, I'm expected to carry my partner and my family but do it without support.

Sorry, just venting so I don't scream at my partner and then hate myself even more because I'd be kicking someone when they're down (and in pain).

[case sensitive]

dear freaking out,

Vent here all you want.  If it gives you an outlet for your frustration/worry/anger/whatever, then that is good.

Then, go back to your partner and do the best caregiving you can.  Cancer, certainly, is no respecter of persons, plans or professions.

Your dept will do all they can, surely.  I've seen my dept in similar situations recently really step up to the plate.  I was surprised as well.

I hope someone out there can help you find caregiver support groups or somesuch, as well.

cs

[there is support]

Virtually all cancer treatment centers have caregiver support groups - ask your doc.

What you are feeling is completly normal, don't beat yourself up about it.  But do find a support group for yourself and even for your kids depending on how old they are.  It is easy to forget how cancer or any sickness affects the entire family.  Your kids are probably feeling prety angry right now too.

The best way to care for your partner is to be sure you are also caring for yourself.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

[support, yes]

Dear Freaking Out:

I lived through a somewhat similar situation. At that time there were no support groups where we lived, but the hospital chaplain proved to be a marvelous help, even though I am not religious. He made all the difference in my being able to cope.

 If you are around a teaching hospital, there may also be some hospital pastoral counseling/Chaplain programs that can be helpful in concert with the Caregiver supports.

As others have said, take good care of yourself.