next »

[in the midst]

This is a bit different than the previous post and I didn't want to mix conversations.

I'm looking for any advice on how to alleviate the "we're moving for my academic career" stress that seems to be emerging in spite of the many conversations & heart-to-heart discussions that my spouse and I have had prior to & during my recent acceptance of an out of state tt position.

I respect the fact that this is a huge move for anyone to undertake and know that he is a great supporter of me & my career for being willing to move our family across the country on my assertion that this opportunity is exactly where I need to be for the next stage of my career.  I have told him this & thanked him repeatedly.  I have also:  1) negotiated into my contract some concrete career assistance in getting him a similar position to his current (in public education), 2) negotiated a much higher than usual moving expense budget and a paid visit back to that region to look for housing & allow him to interview for jobs without incurring out-of-pocket expense, 3) taken it upon myself to begin the process of slowly packing up our house, investigating child care in the new job region, contacting movers for estimates and all the other behind-the-scenes prep to make the move relatively smooth.

I can't make this "easy" for him, but I'm trying to minimize the stress.  I've tried to bring up the apparent stress I'm starting to see emerging in him, which I know is a response to the uncertainty that this move will bring and I'm trying to keep the communication lines open.  I just foresee that the next few months are going to be very stressful and would like for this to be a positive step for our family, not a strain on our relationship.

Admittedly, I'm getting stressed, too.  I am trying to contain my complete excitement about what is a amazing job opportunity for me because bringing up my enthusiasm generally brings more stress to the situation.  For example, I've recently had friends call to congratulate me and he hears me talking at length about how this position is just an amazing fit for my career and offers me fabulous opportunities for my research agenda & teaching interests.  He's called me "giddy" a number of times (which I find a gross exaggeration and, because of gender associations, rather offensive) and a few times now has told me the excitement will probably wear off by September and I'm setting myself up for failure by being so enthusiastic.  I've told him I don't find his comments helpful at all, but that I understand his stress.  My solution is that now I only discuss my job with my friends who are not "mutual" or when I'm outside of our house.

My question is simply, to others that have  been through this, how can I be as supportive as possible and minimize what obviously is a great deal of stress for my spouse during this transition?  Is there anything you did that really helped, or are there things you wish you would have done differently?

[Jamin]

It sounds like you are doing what needs to be done. However, your spouse might resent the move anyway. He probably knows that his resentment is not  rational and that the two of you have discussed it at lenght, but he is upset anyway. This is only natural: he has to change jobs, move to a new state, lose his friends, etc. and he doesn't get to "move up" at work like you do. So maybe he is taking it out on you in a passive-agressive sort of way. Again, this is natural, it doesn't make him a bad guy. Perhaps you can talk to him about your worries? Don't accuse him of anything, just tell him what your fears are about his behavior. You sounds like you are doing all that you can to minimize stress for him, so just treat him like an adult and let him know that you understand his stress and that you want to make this move into a positive step for your family. Let's hope that he sees that his behavior is not helping anyone.

[%sig%]

[giddy sidey]

I'm male, and I was completely 'giddy' when I got my long-distance offer.  My wife has always known that this was part of the package, and loved my 'giddiness'.

I think that you should be slightly less neurotic about the move, and have faith in him - sure its hard, but we all do things to allow our partne's to flourish.

[Thundering Marshmallow]

Once he has a clear sense of his identity in the  new context, he will likely become as well-adjusted as he is right now in his present job.  He is clearly struggling with being first of all your spouse and second of all an employed person in his own right. If he is grieving the loss of a life that was probably working fine for him, he needs to go through the stages.

You mention career counseling for him, which is different than job search support for someone with a clear career goal and momentum. If he is uncertain of his own abilities, that will weaken his resolve to take risks.

It's curious though that you say you have 'taken it upon yourself' to investigate childcare, which almost suggests that you thought he might be doing this? Or it suggests that you notice he is being passive, another indication of the grief stages. His warnings of disappointment are voicing his own disappointments, no doubt, and he probably believes he is being 'realistic' in your best interests. Perhaps he needs to process his own fears and disappointments just as you need to process your 'giddy' anticipation. It should be possible for you to do that with each other, if you don't get caught up in defending your own area of processing.

Finally, is there some closure needed for his involvement at your current home? Perhpas it is time to start writing some family history in order to set the record straight: that his work here has been successful, that he achieved this and that at home and at work and in the community. Putting together picture albums helps that process. This is more than therapy. It is an important legacy to have for your child to know about early life.

[anon]

I was the Trailing Spouse. I was *thrilled* about the move ahead of time. Crushed when we got there and I felt peripheral. I was really, *really* angry. At Employed Spouse, at myself for not having foreseen how hard it would be for me, at me for being so selfish I couldn't even appreciate ES's great fortune. I can remember staring at piles of dishes and laundry, and thinking " I will NOT take care of that just because *I* have nothing better to do!"

So, really ugly feelings on my part. But I got over it. You're on the right track. Try not to rub it in his face or feel too sad that he can't celebrate with you. (He's already grieving about that in addition to his own stuff.) btw, it took me a couple of years to work through it. But easing the transition as much as you can without making him feel like a patient, and success in finding productive employment about which he can also feel proud may make it go faster for him.

Best of luck with this.