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[litchick]

Hi everyone,

As the semester has come to a close for me, I'm happy to have a month-long break from teaching and grading. That's not to say that I'm about to enjoy a month-long break from work; of course, I have lots of prep for the spring, writing, reading, and other projects to focus on that I'm looking forward to.

However, as the official semester has now ended and my time on campus will be less for the coming month, I find myself in the same situation I do every winter and summer break: without any real social life. I know it's dangerous to base one's social life completely on work and colleagues for a variety of reasons, but I've found myself in that situation. My husband and I both have demanding jobs with hour-long commutes in opposite directions, so our time is spent working or driving. We both have colleagues and friends through our jobs, but the sad reality is that, after living in our current area for over a 18 months, we still have no real social life outside of work.

So I'm asking for your advice: how do you go about having a full social life outside of your academic commitments? I love my job and my colleagues and feel very fortunate to be in the place I am, but I also know that I need friends outside of that context. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for your help.

[%sig%]

[yedis]

Can you join some kind of weekend club or group near where you both live?  I can sympathise with the difficulties - I've moved cities 4 times in 4 years, and have pretty much no non-work social life as yet - maybe now I'm fixed in one place things will improve....

What did Arnold write about scholar-gypsys?

[anon]

Start by socializing with people who are not academics--not just not at your institution or not in your field but not in your line of work at all.  Find people from the area who share an interest.  A type of music, a particular local band you go see, a type of art, a craft.  Don't worry about whether or not they fit your profile of an ideal friend; develop common interests and a history of time spent together, and you may find that the sympathy that develops means more than whether or not you can converse about a new journal article.

Particularly, look for people who are--unlike we traveling scholars--happy in the area and likely to remain.  People who value their social/familial networks over their careers tend to be, not surprisingly, better friends and more caring and giving people than those who value their careers over their social/familial networks.

William Queen, an undercover ATF agent who infiltrated the Pagans motorcycle gang, noted that the Pagans--many of whom were horrible criminals and truly despicable people--were much more caring friends than the lawyers and professionals he worked with at ATF, who were much more ethical and moral people but much less empathetic and much more self-absorbed.  He contrasted their reaction to the death of his mother.  The lawyers and bureaucrats at ATF--people probably from backgrounds and colleges similar to Ph.D.s but with different terminal degrees--had known him for decades but reminded him of the department's grief policy and muttered sorry.  The Pagans--drug dealers and rapists and generally awful people--called a special meeting, started it by lining up and hugging him, toasted his mom, told stories about the death of their moms, etc.

This is extreme, but rings true to lots of people who hail from non-academic backgrounds.  The people I grew up with were not as witty or sophisticated (or even as ethical) as the people I work with; they were, however, much better friends, because it mattered much more to them.  The idea of uprooting their families from their networks of friends and cousins just for a more prestigious job is preposterous to them.

[helpful]

Don't you do some kind of sports? Join a club, hiking or walking, book, tennis, exercise or whatever. You will meet loads of people that way.

[anon2]

I'm married, with a child and a dog.  That's plenty to satisfy my social needs...lol.  There's never a dull or lonely moment in my family.

[Ms. Collegiality]

I have recently been invited to join a Women's Choral Ensemble as well as invited to join a theater group.  Let me clarify that I find theater just as satisfying from a behind-the-scenes role as from an on-stage position, so I have been made doubly welcome there.  

As a mother of a 7th grader and a 3rd grader, both of whom are involved in vocal performance groups, I don't know if I can realistically give my time to anything else, but I'd love to, really love to get involved in singing and theater again.  I see myself holding off for a few more years until my kids are older.

But it sounds like you don't have to.  Go to a little theater's auditions and offer your help.  You will make delightful friends.  If that's not your scene, I have really enjoyed building houses for Habitat for Humanity (I like carpentry especially).  The kind of people who get involved are selfless, fun, and intelligent though not academics for the most part, and that's certainly refreshing.

I have not attended the AAUW, but I have been tempted to attend some of their functions.  Has anyone else checked them out?

[dog lover]

Is your dog a beagle. Maybe we can set up a date?

[Asa]

All the above are good ideas.  There are more.

Look into churhes if you are so inclined.
Volunteer for your local favorite political party.
Join the local Audubon, Sierra club or other group.

Most places have a lot of stuff to do, you just have to find it.

[three words]

Arts, arts, arts!  Cool people, non academics, fun stuff to do, life-enriching.  Music, theatre, galleries, pottery, painting, sculpture, textiles, dance, all of it. If you're no good at any of it start with classes in one thing or just go to events where you aren't doing the art (yet).  Arts: saved my life as a single female lit prof without a partner in a remote R1 town amid people who might as well have been martians and colleagues I was afraid of (before tenure).  Would have slit my own throat if not for dance, yoga, pottery, and theatre. Now am learning to play the mandolin (!) and may try out for the community theatre group's next production. Out here in the boondocks they really NEED the talent of litchicks like us---talents, that, back in NYC or SanFran, would have been, er, marginal at best. Good luck.

[litchick]

These are all wonderful suggestions, and I appreciate everyone's ideas. To echo anon2, I am also married with a dog (alas, not a beagle, but a perfect cocker/golden retriever mix) and they do keep my days full and happy. I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining about my current situation--trust me, I realize how fortunate I am. However, I guess I'm just used to having a very full group of friends outside of work and it's odd to have that component lacking in our current living situation.

I have signed up for a yoga class starting in January, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm also looking at the local arts scene, as many of you suggested, for possibilities there too.

You've all provided some great ideas here--I guess I just needed a bit of a kick in the pants and a reminder that there are lots of opportunities out there. Thanks to everyone.

[%sig%]

[Theatre Prof]

Join the Junior League- got me out of my small town-I love it!

[milou]

Litchick does have a problem many of us on the list share, however. She has a long commute. (Of course at this point in my life I would find an hour short, but that is not talking about normal life.) Things get more tricky for those of us who drive (and really have to drive) more than 45 minutes to work. They are even trickier for those of us who spend different nights of the week in different cities. I find life very confusing not spending every night in the same city.

I second all of the above suggestions for making/keeping a social life. I am keeping loneliness at bay by trying to spend most weekends in the same city so I can at least have some social life. I found a musical group that rehearses on Sundays, so I have one out of the house social activity that I can participate in regularly that doesn't interfere with my work schedule. However, it is hard to find activities that meet on weekends only. Most adults like weekend days and nights to be family days.  The downside to this is that I am not spending weekends in the city where I work. Since the faculty in my department are pretty spread out geographically I am not missing many evening activities with them, and in any case may not want to spend too many of my social hours with colleagues anyway until I get tenure and can feel more equal with people. However, I could be developing more of a sense of "home" there. I am trying to look for some group (s?) to participate in in my work city, if only an exercise class to give me some sense I know someone. This is not easy, though.

I am actually one of those people referred to above who has a family and social network that is very important to me. Uprooting myself from all of them for a job is hard for me, although I think in the end it will be easier for my husband to find a job where I work than vice versa. For me the loneliness of academia is the hardest part to face.



                                                     Milou

[litchick]

Dear Milou,

Thanks so much for your very heartfelt post. The commute itself is so difficult, and I can imagine that spending the night in different locales is incredibly hard. At least I'm fortunate in the fact that I wake up in the same place most of the time!

I think the sense of "home" you refer to is part of my issue. Even though we have lived here for almost 18 months and I'm happy in my current position, that sense of "home" eludes me. At first I thought it was because I was literally homesick and missing my previous position and city. However, the longer we're here, I really do think it has to do with the fact that I feel out of touch with the place I live and the place I work because they are two different places.

I agree that the loneliness of academia is tough. I knew in the beginning I was signing up for that in some ways--the long hours of isolation while reading, writing, and thinking; however, the loneliness does seem harder than I anticipated.

I feel for your situation and hope that you and your husband can end up in the same area soon. Academia is tough enough without those sorts of stresses as well.

Best of luck to you,
litchick