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[Terrified]

I imagine that many of you have dealt with ill, aging and passed away parents. I have been extremely lucky and still have two relatively healthy and very happy parents. However, in the last couple of years I have noticed their slowing down,  a bit of forgetfullness,  and some minor health problems.
I have been "awakened" I guess,  to the fact that my parents are aging and likely will not always be with me. It is causing a great deal of stress and anxiety for me. Last night I had a terrible nightmare around this situation and it dominates many of my daily thoughts.
As I am trying to make career moves,  a part of me just wants to move right to their town so I can just take care of them and spend as much time as possible with them. They would slap me silly if I made that suggestion however!
This is a weird post I suppose, I am just wondering if anyone else can relate to this feeling. Thanks.

[asst_prof]

I'm in the same boat.  I'm in my 40s now, and my parents are elderly folks.  Their health is declining, cognitive slippage is becoming more common, etc.  I worry about their health all the time.  I live about 2 hours away from them, but I don't think I would want to live closer because I'd worry about them more than I do now.

[older parents too]

My mother is quite advanced in age (I was a "late baby") and I know she won't last forever.  Fortunately I have a sibling who lives close to her (I'm 2500 miles away).  

I know she will die at some point, and perhaps pretty soon.   She does not have any terminal disease, or anything like that, but she is wearing out, physically.  It is frightening, and I feel sorry that I can't be there very much.  I speak with her on the phone a couple of times a week and see her during breaks and vacations.  

The questions keep arising -- when and how will it happen that she "gives up her car"?  It is really no longer safe for her to drive, and at some level she herself recognizes this, but the level of communication/dysfunction in our family is bad enough (nothing horrible, just typical) so that no one wants to demand it and I realize she is afraid of giving up her car.  Of course we would all feel horrible if she caused a wreck.  Just thinking about the situation makes me feel very anxious.

[%sig%]

[Jennifer]

I think what you're experiencing is normal. I am extremely close with my mom, who has been single for many years, and she's getting older and has had some major health issues. Her memory seems to be slipping more and more, and I worry because my two sisters are out-of-state and I will likely be forced to move out-of-state since my particular state has very few openings for what I'm seeking. I hate to leave her and also want to be near her for myself because I enjoy her company, and the thought of moving alone to a strange state is not too appealing either, but then again, I've worked hard toward my degree to get the type of position I know I'll be happy with, but to do so means I'll have to leave her even by the fall, if I should get a position. She is unwilling to come with me because of the few friends and family she has here, which is understandable. But, I do feel badly about having to leave her because I don't think she has that many years left and I think I'll regret it in the long run. It's always a tough choice, I think.

[anon today]

I moved to my hometown a couple of years ago, prompted by the death of an uncle and the sudden realization that family is really all you have in the world.

This past summer, my Dad needed quadruple bypass surgery. If I EVER had a moment's doubt that the career sacrifices I made in order to be near my folks were wise, those doubts are now gone. I am an only child (having lost my brother years ago); my children are the only grandchildren that my parents will ever have.

Sometimes it's just impossible, of course, but I would recommend to anyone that if there's any way to be close enough to your family that you could physically be there in an emergency, then you should do it.

[Prytania]

This is one reason I want to be in small southern town, and I feel bad leaving on my mother's account.

[Zarkov]

It's a very difficult trade off, with no easy answers.  I passed on  a job offer, in part, because my mother's health began to decline, and I was the only one around to take care of her.  (Not literally take car of her on a day to day basis, but to make sure she was getting care, shopping, manager her affairs, took her to the doctor, etc.)  

It may help to let your chair or dean know if/when there is a problem, and people are usaully very supportive.  This is something that many of us go through, so you should find that most people are understanding.

Best of luck to you, OP.

[Hamster]

I can definitely relate to your situation.

As a new tt prof at a university, I'm basically, for the first time in my life, holding a position that is at least potentially going to be held until I retire.

This has been both a positive thing (life is good, and after being a student for so long, I actually feel a little more "grown up" now), and a negative thing.  The negative side has to do with the fact that I'm very far from my parents.  My career requires that I be where I am (for the present, at least), but my parents are getting older and I would dearly love to see them more than once a year.  This wasn't an issue when I was a student + postdoc, because these things were temporary, by definition.  Being a tt prof is a different ballgame entirely.

[%sig%]

[jjg]

As my mother aged, I kept trying to find a position closer to her.  It never worked and for the last 6 years of her life I couldn't have been farther away unless I left the country.  It was really, really hard as her health and cognitive ability declined to manage at a distance.  Luckily I have siblings who live in our hometown and were devoted to her so the day-to-day issues were handled fairly well. I called her every day, as did the other distant sibling so she was in constant contact with her children.  Even with this attention, an 18-hour gap between a phone call and a visit resulted in a hospitalization.  We're still not sure what happened - maybe she got her meds mixed up and took too many or too few, but she was incoherent and completely disoriented.  Had she been unattended a little longer it could have been life-threatening.

[melba]

Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders

by Mary Pipher

[%sig%]

[amity]

Also dealing with these issues.  I'll be moving year after next if not before, and I will be farther away (current job is a very bad fit, took it based on location).  I dread being farther away as I also enjoy my mother's company --she's in pretty good health, very sharp and still a good driver.  I also try to help ease her lot of emotionally caring for my father who has already started slipping down the health slope and is now in assisted living.  I feel torn but also recognize that I have to have a good job with decent benefits as I am my own sole support.  Basically there are no easy answers and you must just do the best you can in your particular situation.

[Sally Star]

Hi there. This is NOT a weird post - perfectly normal. I moved back home to be closer to my Dad a few years ago. I am the only sibling who lives close by, which I resent sometimes. My parents are divorced. Even though I moved here to be closer to him, sometimes his weird habits and quirks (he is a retired professor) make me insane! I try not to feel guilty. And even though I live about 30 minutes away, sometimes he doesn't tell me what is going on. "Oh, I know you are busy," he said to me yesterday, when I found out he has a cough, cold and fever. The best way to combat anxiety is to TALK to your parents. My father has a binder, which my siblings and I refer to as "The Book of Death." But it is useful. It contains all his personal information, such as his will, insurance papers, where he wants to be buried, etc. Just have a conversation with your parents. They will probably be somewhat relieved to talk to you about it. I know my Dad was. Good luck.

[%sig%]

[Interesting discussion]

My mom went into a nursing home simultaneously with my spouse and I packing up and moving from job #2 to job #3.  We were selling our house in soon-to-be-former town, finding a new place, and packing up both at home and my mom's apartment.  All of this triangulated among three states, with the legs of the triangles being 1,300 miles, 1,000 miles, and 800 miles.  It has been horrible.  We had to get rid of a bunch of my mom's stuff that we would, in normal circumstances, have either kept or sold in some appropriate way, but there wasn't time.  There's tons of stuff in storage in her town.  Even though we're now much closer to her (500 miles closer), it's still too far for convenience, and in fact the flight is much more expensive even though we can still fly direct (moved from the vicinity of a very very major airport to one that's only a step or two better than a regional).  

All of this is to say, it's tough.  I'm an only child and so my mom is my sole responsibility (my father has been dead for several years).  However, the upside is that my mom was a professor too and basks in the pride (to excess, I think) of my position, so she's ok with the distance and the inconveniences.  However, my first job was about 280 miles from my folks, and that was pretty convenient.  

Sympathy to all.  Someone above said to work with your dean and chair on matters of helping your folks.  I recommend that.  It's something many of us are facing.  

Good luck.