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[Life.]

Hi,

Not sure why I thought of writing this here, perhaps it was just to release some emotional energy I guess.

It is almost a year ago that I was informed (leaving out all the details) that I guy I knew in my final year of secondary school, about 22 years, ago was looking for me.  I liked him a lot then and thought he may have also liked me.  However, nothing ever happened between us.  Even though he used to look at me often, danced with me a few times at our school functions, and a few times he followed me to my locker as if he wanted to talk to me...but never did.  It all puzzled me. And he alway seemed to want to say things like" I think you're smart' and 'yeah you will do well in your exams. He was part of  a group of guys who were labelled as 'bimbo and barbie doll' chaser, ie the type that wanted 'trophie girlfriends to put on display.  I thought he would follow suit as well but was curious then why he paid this attention to me.  I don't fit into these categories of women (  it is offensive to refer to women as such).  I felt so sad at the time because of how I felt about him and I knew I did not fit into the category of a 'trophy girl'.

Anyway we both finished and went of to two different universities and never heard or saw him ever again.  Then all of a sudden, right out of the blue, I received some info that he was looking for me.  In summary, he was inquiring about me; apparently thought of me over the years particularly when things were down in his personal life; he has had a history of failure and misery in his personal life mainly brought on by destructive behaviour of his; and that a marriage may have failed recently and that this may have triggered the search for me. Was told that he became very selfish and arrogant; that he never chose wisely and coupled with his own negative behavoiour he contributed to the failure of most  of his relationships.  Apparently, he has spoken about me in 'favourable' terms, eg, how nice he thought I was and if I was the one who 'got away', ie, was I the one; and was adament to find me.

Well, when I came across this news I sent a message via a fomer student, to deter him from his jouney and to casually say that he has seen me, that I am happily married, and would not be keen to meet him.  Once this message was conveyed, apprently he felt very disappointed to find out that I was married and felt very jealous of my relationship with my husband, ie that we have been married for 15 years.  

I did not hear a peep from him after this message was casually conveyed to him.  Obviously I have really summarised the story. It was such an unusual story and perhaps not over yet.  I think in spite of learning of the fact that I am married he may still want to see me.  Goodness!  For me it was also an interesting episode, albeit unpleasant, sad, and unnerving.  I saw it in many way: a testing of my morals and ethcis because of how deeply I felt for him back then... and somewhere deep inside me I did want to see him.  It was also a test of my strength to do 'the right thing' regardless how erratic my emotions became.  And I must say although I alway knew from the outset that I would not do anything to disrespect myself as a woman, or my husband or my marriage... I must admit my emotions were quite strained at times.  And to be very honest with you, sometimes when I went to through tough times in my marriage (having been married for 15 years) I sometimes thought of him and thought 'what if'... but that was all.  I also thought to myself that why on earth is this guy looking for me after 22 years, and off course given the details I was provided of his history.... one of the main thoughts which crossed my mind was that of selfishness on his part.  Apparently he used to think of me as a 'healthy' person... so now when he has destroyed so much in his own life, he now searches for the 'safe bet woman'.  This is very annoying.

I hope I never hear from him, but I also hope that he can get his life in order and particularly his behaviour.  He is very intelligent and became an engineer.  I am an academic like most of you.  Once again, I don't really know why I wrote all this which is so personal.  Perhaps by 'saying' it I am finally releasing emotions which have troubled me for some time.

Take care

[Zarkov]

Thanks for the story.  I'd say the guy has a "Beatrice crush," -- you see or know someone as a teen, then think of her (or him) in later years in an idealized way.  It may inspire some great poetry, but you need to say away from a person like this in real life.  (Unless you were single, etc., perhaps.)

[Beatrice]

Not unusual at all. That damn Dante has been living off his so-called crush on me for over 600 years. I oughta sue him for royalties.

[%sig%]

[anon]

You should eat his beagle.

[Life]

Hi

Thanks for the responses.  

Yes Zarkov I think what you are saying is the most plausible explanation, ie. the 'Beatrice Crush', although I don't know whether  he had a 'crush' on me when we were teens.

I also think that given the emotional turmiol he seems to have experienced, and may still be, is perhaps leading is mind back to a time when life was much simplier (ie teenage years) without all the complexities we face now as adults.  So perhaps he is indulging in some sort of 'idealised'  and escapist thinking.  The thing I found puzzling is that we are both 40 now so I found it a little odd that someone at this age may 'seek' someone they knew as a teenager.  

Anyway, my hope all along has been for him to get a hold of his life and divert it into a direction that would give him a greater chance of fulfilment. I know he has a good heart, is very intelligent and talented.  He just needs to embrace the positives of what he really does possess and learn to let go of the destrustive and negative behaviours he seemed to have pursued.  I felt very deeply for him as a teenager and I sensed we had some sort of bond that was never articulated or discovered.  Perhaps he felt it too and now thinks back...but it is too late for all that.

Thank you.

[Dear Abby]

Sounds to me like you need to do a little letting go as well. I detect a bit of nostalgia for the past in your description of your own feelings towards this person.

[Anon]

Does your husband know about this? Maybe telling him will help you get out of this funk. Then again, if you're worried about his reaction, it might speak volumes about the state of your marriage. Good luck to you either way.

[Life.]

Yes it did bring back memories but I guess that is only natural. We do go through life when we have crossed paths with someone (or more) who may had an affect upon us that can linger.  But I do feel it is not the effect but the reaction to it.  Mine was of a happy memory and time but my life has moved on in a very happy and healthy way and I woudn't change that at all.

And yes my husband does know about it.  I told him when I found out. So nothing to hide there.

[memories light the corners of]

my mind..........

Yep we all have fond memories from our past and we do meet people who effect on us in some form or other.  Nothing wrong with it.  The safe thing to do however is to enjoy happy memories but always be mindful of the present, which is what you seem to have done.  Good idea to 'indirectly' convey the message to him that you are married and to ward him off.  I think you did the right thing.

I think many of us have been through situations where we did reminisce about past crushes etc.... especially when we have attended school reunions...lol, how funny are they!! :O)  Then you see that person whom you had a crush on a century ago and think....yikes what was I thinking!  :O !!!!!!

See ya!

[anonII]

Life,  thank you for taking the time to share this with us. I would have to agree with the posters who advise you to keep your memories and ward him off. I made the mistake of responding to someone who contacted me via a google search which led to my university site. Kn his emails, he described  a life that, to me seemed to be very depressing unproductive, and troublesome life. The tone of his messages seemed wistful and searching. I finally stopped responding although I felt terribly guilty about doing so. There was noting to share beyond shallow little memories of certain teachers. I couldn't even remember half the things he brought up. That part of my life is over and gone so I don't dwell on it. Thankfully, we never agreed to meet in person and he seemed to get the message as he finally stopped writing. It was also troubling because we never had a relationship of any sort in school and it was odd that he had found me and contacted me after so many years. This experience did serve to illuminate for me how fortunate and happy my own life has been.

[Life]

Thank you for sharing. I agree whole heartedly with you.  Indeed such incidences do bring up a time of self reflection and, I would also add, appreciation of what we have and the direction our lives have taken.

Yes I agree with you completely.

[old crushes]

I looked up my first love on the internet.  It was uncanny how much his life has paralleled my husband's, although they have never met.  It was also uncanny how similar they are.  I would never contact him, though, although I fantasize that he has looked me up on the internet, too.

[%sig%]

[harness it]

Hey Life, put all this emotional energy to work for you.  Write it out, set up your story, tease out possible twists, experiment with a variety of endings.  Confine it all to the project, let the fantasy mingle with reality, and spell out what comes of it.  Might be therapeutic; might actually sell.  But for sure, it'll make you care more about the writing (where you have total control), and get you off the "what ifs."

[%sig%]

[Did it]

I reconnected with an old bf from decades ago. We got together, finally did the deed we hadn't done in 1912 or so, and it was a bore.

So much for that fantasy.

[%sig%]

[Life]

lol ! I actually tired that as a psychological excersie on myself, although all in 'thoughts' rather than writing them down.  There are many ways to deal with an emotional situation and I found what you have suggested as indeed very theraputic.  At other times I have written down thoughts regarding other problems and then teased them out and come to some understanding of how to deal with them.

May be with this situation I should write it out and then send it to Mills & Boon.  I am not sure if they have had this story.