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[Anon]

This is a bit of silly rant, but I'd thought some of you would get a kick out of it.  For those of you who require more serious reading, move on!

I'm dating this guy -- former frat. boy all grown up to be fairly responsible professional man who's dated enough women to be trained (girls you know what I mean -- he dresses well enough without my help, keeps the pink stuff out of the bathroom, cleans the kitchen more than once every two years, calls when he says he's going to call even if he doesn't want to because he knows this is better than inspiring the wrath of the woman . . . )  BUT, and why's there always "but" -- we don't have a lot in common intellectually.  It's a part of me he just doesn't get and I can't discuss it with him.  So I keep that part of me to myself.

I don't think I'm in it with this guy for the long haul and I'm wondering whether it's possible to find an academic/intellectual guy who's also got social skills.  My girlfriends joke that if I found that kind of guy, he'd be a girl.  : )  And, in my own experience, the grad. school guys (last one was a political scientist and before that it was a chemist and before that it was a law student) who thrill me with their intelligence and academic credential have NO social skills, especially interpersonal communication skills.  

So for you women out there with an academic/intellectual/grad. school guy with social skills, where did you find him?  Are they a rarity or am I just looking in the wrong places?

Thanks peeps.

[that guy]

I think it is difficult for women to figure out how to be with a guy like me.  I think most of you are so surprised whem you meet me that you think there MUST be some kind of catch and it gnaws away at you until I'm finally convinced theres something wrong with You....  thats been my experience anyway.

[found mine underground]

in the computer center.  Married over 23 years and still happy.

[%sig%]

[not plain jane]

in my field (sciences) it is rare to find the desired social skills you seek. I guess you need to ask yourself which is more important to you - someone you can connect with intellectually or someone you can enjoy spending time with friends, family, etc outside of work? And call me naive, but I think when you find the right guy, that natural combination of traits you find attractive will be part of the deal. Keep looking!

[girlie]

Looking back at the recent failure of a 12 year relationship that looked good from all angles in the beginning, I would say you can't have it all when it comes to men. At least not if "all" refers to things that are apparent from the very beginning.

If you want something long-term/ forever, just imagine everything magnified 20x (in a negative direction). and see if you can stand it. What you want is someone who can change with you (it's the women who change) and who has THE SAME (not just similar) interests. None of this opposites attract or "we complement each other's strengths" nonesense.

For short-term, well... what more do you need beyond a man who totally rocks in bed and who is genuine fun outside of it? I mean, really, girls, who wants to discuss Foucault every freaking minute??

And I echo "that guys" snarky remark about how when someone seems really perfect we always think that there must be a catch (e.g., is he really a serial killer, maybe he's screwing around constantly, how could he possibly want ME???, etc.)  -- just get over yourself! I almost lost my new true love over that kind of bone-headedness on my part (just last week in fact!). Fortunately he was very forgiving and did the right thing to please the drama queen in me (he apologized profusely even though it was MY fault).

[k16]

Perhaps if Anon weren't so self-righteous and lost the female chauvinist attititude (imagine a man talking about 'training' a woman?!), she might be more successful in landing a relationship with a feller she believes worthy of her greatness.

[TomCat]

Why would you want to have it all?  Sounds boring to me.  Why don't you pick?  Besides who would want to have an intellectual conversation with J. Bond and who would want A. Einstein protecting her masjesty's commenwealth?

Or you can try to train your current bf to be more of the quality he now lacks so that after ten or more iterations of this training cycle, society would have produced this hybrid man for some luck future woman.

[Anon]

I consider it a matter of public health that my significant other keep the mold out of his bathroom and the green bacteria out of his kitchen.  Sure, I lived in these conditions in my old sorority days (didn't live in the posh main sorority house but in a run-down annex to the main house) but it got old after one week.  And now that I'm in my mid-twenties, it's really a matter of been there done that.  Maybe another woman could hack it, but it's a deal breaker for me.

And as for women needing to change to the same extent as men, I would agree with K16.  Women need to grow up too -- be okay with who they are so that they can be in a relationship for the right reasons for the long haul.  It takes two to tango.

[Mouse]

Found mine--a science geek--sitting next to me in our undergrad philosophy class.  We were both probably way too young to have any "set" ideas about what we wanted in a mate, and it's worked out well for us--married 17 years, together 19 years, so it's lasted through all of grad school and the dual-academic career search, as well.

[Duck (Lucky)]

Found mine in high school--in a nearby city.  So Duck and Mouse agree; get 'em while they're young, and you're both impressionable.  Then grow up together.  18 years later, we're just behind Mouse.  

Hmmm...probably not too helpful on this board, though.  "Maybe It's Just Me But", are you listening???

Last thought: even though we were young, we knew what we wanted for ourselves (just what we have now, actually, can you believe it).  I believe that a good point was finding someone who not only tolerates or supports your dreams, but pushes you forward to meet them!

[cynic]

Post deleted by moderator.

[that guy, v2.0]

We exist.  Ph.D. here who had an awkward childhood through age 20, then out of nowhere became good looking, charming, and tempered enough in his geekdom to let the brilliance out let the lameness atrophy.  (Yes, I know it's a snotty thing to say, but am I going to hold back on an anonymous forum?)

Look for guys in the social sciences or humanities.  Dump that jock and get with a Spock!

[schizo]

No, you can't have it all, unless the following list is defined as such:

Burping, farting, eating, sleeping, loving, needy, handy. Hey look, the real 7 dwarves, oops, I mean "vertically challenged people". Sorry.

Seriously, there are glamour boys, there are blue-collar boys, there are geeks, and then there are hybrids. Look for the hybrids, trust me, we mutts are much better.

Glamour boys=care too much about how they look and how others perceive    
                       them. They will work well in social situations as long as
                       conversation is about muscles, money, or metrosexual topics.
Blue-collar boys= nice, hard working guys, but won't fill your intellectual needs.          
                          They like NASCAR.
Geeks= While intelligent, and handy when explaining the finer points of ID-10t
             errors, they are not the kind for deep social interaction. They are nice
             and friendly, but have a hard time avoided dungeons and dragons                        
             references.
Hybrids= The best of all possible worlds. Social, handsome, a little rough around the edges, intelligent, handy with a saw and hammer, does "man-type" things, but is a romantic. Sounds perfect right? Good, so here's my number, give me a call...  

;)

[tamiam]

I don't know about you, but I want that plumber guy on Desperate Housewives. Yum.

[Artsearch]

Speaking of jocks...here's another question.

He doesn't like sports at all AND he's straight. Possible, or is he masking a latent gay streak ("not that there's anything wrong with that", but I'd rather not date him)?