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College Instructor
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« on: December 05, 2005, 08:49:22 AM » |
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I'm in my 30's. I've recently moved to a somewhat smallish town (100,000 pop.) on the East coast for a position at a community college. After a few months of getting established and making some nice gal friends, I've found myself in a little dating dilemma:
CANDIDATE ONE: I've been dating an electrician for about four weeks. He is a really nice man. He had been in the air force and has a B.A. in Industrial Mechanics. I have a good time going out with him. Concerns: He divorced (final 6 months ago) and is still often involved with his ex-wife and two adult children. They often meet for family events, shopping and such. His finances are in a shambles and I often pay for myself (and sometimes even him)--which is awkward sometimes. Also, although we talk about regular things, he has shown no interest in my published work even when I mention that my prose has just made such-and-such magazine, and asks only the most general questions about my college teaching job. I've asked him about his work as an electrician, but he seems matter-of-fact about it and unable to go into depth with it with me. I'm a big reader; he's mostly into sports. We do both do work with a volunteer organization in town--that's been our main source of connection... along with a strong physical chemistry.
CANDIDATE TWO: I just met a nice attorney in town who is unencumbered (no ex's, no kids)... and who seems to be more interested in things I'm interested in (media, culture, reading). I'm still in first date stage with this man, but I find myself very excited about talking about things that really interest me--and making references to movies, books and whatnot that he actually knows about. I think we have chemistry, but I really feel as if I should go slow with this man and really develop a relationship.
Is there a way to handle this situation? I mean, should I continue to date C.1 while cultivating C.2? I don't want to do something unseemly, but I feel hesitant to drop C.1 just because C.2 looks interesting. To confuse things a bit, I've gotten physically involved with C.1, though that may not be a regular thing. I certainly would not get physical with both(!) at the same time! The holidays have confused me a bit, too. I spent Thanksgiving out of town with friends and now I've made Christmas plans with gal friends... but C.1 has made absolutely no move to include me in his Christmas plans. I suspect that he'll spend it with his ex-wife and kids... which makes me feel a little cut out of things. I have no fantasy that C.2. will somehow like me enough by Christmas to include me, but perhaps it just salves my pride and dating him would at least make me feel wanted...
What to do? Date one? Both? Neither? Go to a nunnery? Anyone?
[%sig%]
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H. Dog
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« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2005, 08:51:51 AM » |
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Who cares. Date both and see what shakes down. Guys do it all the time. As long as you're not putting it in someone's face, I can't see how it matters. Until you've got the "let's go steady" talk or the holiday invite, it's all up for grabs.
By the way, is your sexual experience with guy one "electric"? Sorry. Couldn't help myself.
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Married Science Lady
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« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2005, 09:00:04 AM » |
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I'm just glad I'm off that market. Sorry. No advice.
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Spaniard
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« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2005, 09:02:21 AM » |
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I had this situation and just quietly dated both until it was obvious that neither really appealed to me. I realized I was really interested in sex. I later met a woman who really got me going in all areas. Then there was no question about dating others. I just couldn't get interested in anyone else. We've been married 17 years now. Good luck College I!
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tamiam
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« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2005, 09:02:23 AM » |
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Go with the one with the largest - um - well, you know. Shoes.
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Seinfeld
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« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2005, 09:10:53 AM » |
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Just saw this rerun last night-- "The Switch." "I'm not sure how you pronounce it, but I believe it's menage a trois...."
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Thoughtful Woman
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« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2005, 09:15:01 AM » |
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Is it possible to slow things down with the electrician? If he's not really ready for a relationship, maybe you can just scale back a bit and take time to get to know the attorney. Most people understand if you ask for a little space. I wouldn't say that I was interesting in dating someone else. Just that you respect his situation and that you don't want to pressure him. That will give you time to figure out if the attorney is someone you want to regularly date. Of course at one point you'll have to make a decision. By that time, maybe neither will seem attractive. Who knows!
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CC Lady
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« Reply #7 on: December 05, 2005, 09:26:21 AM » |
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I married a man who was a wonderful guy, wonderful provider, wonderful father. But because we had no intellectual common ground, we grew apart. And when I started to teach in another state, the extra stress just made it obvious that we weren't meant to be. I met a government administrator here who is everything I really need in a man: smart, ambitious, well-read, politically and socially involved, opinionated and energizing to be around. We connect on a physical level, too. So I'd tell College Instructor, "Don't sell yourself short." You'll just find yourself wanting later.
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Mr. Right Now
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« Reply #8 on: December 05, 2005, 09:30:56 AM » |
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Sounds like you have a case of a Mr. Right Now and a possible Mr. Right. Ride it out for a while and see what develops. I personally dated a Ms. Right Now for six months and it really helped me at a time when I was changing careers and figuring out who I was. It was really nice to be able to talk to someone other than my football buddies on a regular basis. She had a lot of good insight. Who knows, I might have been her Mr. Right Now! I don't see anything wrong in taking care of your needs as long as everyone knows what page you're on. Not to be cruel, but it might be that you're doing Mr. Right Now a great favor by getting him ready to do a real relationship later when he's more over the ex. Who knows?
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Chevy Prefect
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« Reply #9 on: December 05, 2005, 10:58:45 AM » |
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Long term, it's not going to work with the electrician. He's still not divorced from his ex, regardless of what the paperwork says. Furthermore, and more important, he will never give you the intellectual stimulation you require. His messy financial situation may eventually get cleaned up, but he's not going to become an intellectual.
The attorney sounds more promising. Don't run him off by being needy.
Now -- you've already made Christmas plans with your gal pals, so don't put pressure on either of these guys. The electrician will spend the holidays with his family. Period. You don't know what the attorney will be doing, and it doesn't matter. You already have Christmas plans. Enjoy your friends.
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Dale
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« Reply #10 on: December 05, 2005, 11:26:03 AM » |
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Uh, by the way, if you're referring to Hamlet's nunnery, he was referencing a house of ill repute, i.e. a brothel. There you'd be physically involved with a lot of men!
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College Instructor
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« Reply #11 on: December 05, 2005, 11:44:02 AM » |
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Chevy Prefect, you have it dead right. I appreciate your sage advice. I'm taking it. Thanks again!
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Tippy
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« Reply #12 on: December 05, 2005, 11:50:57 AM » |
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I agree with Chevy. As long as you aren't making any promises that you can't keep, why not play the field for a while? There's no rush.
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College Instructor
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« Reply #13 on: December 05, 2005, 07:06:53 PM » |
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Well, realizing that Mr. Nice Electrician is not Mr. Right has really taken the pressure off in all senses. Suddenly I've started to think of him as a "friend with benefits" and I feel very relieved! I have a date with Attorney man on Friday--but even if that doesn't work out, I just met a man who teaches in a town a bit north of me. I guess the lesson here is that it's better to be realistic and let people be who they really are rather than try to force a solution with expectations in mind. And, of course, I'm happy with my gal friends, my job and everything--which means that I can be relaxed about meeting men. It's much easier when I'm at ease--rather than trying to make something happen.
Good luck with romance all!
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