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[in trouble, I think!]

I have fallen for a grad student who is affiliated with my lab..... but not an advisee of mine.  It has been brewing for over a year now and it finally was made obvious around 3 months ago..... I am a married dad of 3, she a married mom of 1......  please help..... I have considered leaving this t-t position and looking elsewhere just because I am stifled when she is there and thinking about her all the time when she is not.....  this is not a troll..... I want your comments.  Has this ever happened to anyone and has anyone ever had an aimicable ending?  We have not stepped over any physical bounds yet, but our emotional connection is just too apparent and at the moment what I want.  Hope you can help!

[anon]

This actually happened in my former department (i.e., faculty member fell for one of his doctoral students).  The grad student has to be reassigned.  It's not necessary for you to leave your job.  Simply have her assigned to another faculty member.

[just a thought]

perhaps putting the interests of your children first, would be a good start...

[Another anon]

Feelings are so uncontrollable sometimes, aren't they?  Honestly, I can't see you asking to have the student reassigned so that you can have an affair.

Maybe you could both legally separate from your spouses.  That way, even if you feel like you need to follow your feelings, you are showing integrity. You are not tricking your spouses into staying with you; and seriously, better to tell them before the affair begins than risk being caught.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you try to spare hurting both of your families.  I really *do* think feelings are uncontrollable sometimes.  And if you feel like you're in love--well, people will do all kinds of crazy things for love.  Just try to be fair to your wife--remember, at some point you had these crazy love feelings for her, too.  

Good luck...I have a feeling that your wife in particular would feel very hurt by what you're considering, with all the talk of "emotional infidelity" these days (women are supposedly more hurt by it than men).  If you want to have a chance to heal your marriage, the first step is to quit hanging around with your temptress...so getting her transferred would probably be best no matter how you decide to proceed.

[anon]

What about marriage counseling? As mentioned above, your first responsibility is to your wife and children.  You're obviously missing some connection with your wife that you feel this woman would provide for you.  I'd say spend as little time with this woman as possible, and stop depending on her to fill your emotional needs.  It's time to re-develop a relationship with your wife.

[anon]

How about growing up? Emotions are not uncontrollable.

[integrity?]

Another Anon writes: "Maybe you could both legally separate from your spouses. That way, even if you feel like you need to follow your feelings, you are showing integrity."

It seems to me that one shows integrity in situations like this by honoring one's vows.  You know, that "'til death do us part" bit.

['til death do us part'....]

....just seems to last an eternity.  

There has got to be another way.

[Meat Loaf]

"I swore that I would love you 'til the end of time
Now I'm waiting for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive."

[euro]

if your not a troll, youre acting like one. Grow up

[anon6]

I agree that the grad student has to be assigned to another faculty member, unless you want to destroy your marriage and professional reputation.  Don't let this thing evolve any further.  Other tips -- stop thinking with your penis and grow up.

[anon]

If the feelings are mutual, then it is time for some extra-curricula activity, as the saying goes.  Don't be held back by some value system from the middle ages.

[anonymous]

I don't know what to tell you, but I have been there (though with different circumstances), and I know it's not as easy as "controlling" it or just turning it off like a switch.  This may be something you need to take one day at a time -- not predetermining right now what your actions should be.  

If it's any help at all, others really have been through this.  Maybe some have the fortitude to end it at a stage like what you're describing -- but I can tell you that others do not (or do not choose to).   And the outcomes are different for everyone.

Did you see the recent "in love" thread on this board?  Ms. Collegiality and others had some very useful things to say about recognizing a crush as a crush (as opposed to love).   Maybe this is pertinent for your situation; maybe not.   But it could be useful.

[Fiona]

I've had many students who've been in the first families that were dumped when Daddy ran off with someone else.

Don't do it. It makes the children feel angry and bereft. Your crush or lust is not more important than your children.

[%sig%]

[Tristan]

It's too hot here; don't even think of it.