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[tea Athrawes]

You could also return the gifts you don't need and then donate the money to charity.   I know, lot's of extra work on your part and may not be possible with everything.  But then they are happy with giving you a gift and you get rid of the stuff and donate to your charity.

[Anon2000]

Read Mauss, The Gift. It might help you to understand why your aunt reacted in the way that she did.

[quietprof]

Thanks for your thoughts. Coincidentally, I received an email this morning from the organization to notify me that a donation had been made in my name. This was from my sister in law.

[bertha]

We had been thinking of doing something similar, but in terms of our own gift-giving, not with regards to the gifts we receive. And we're still wondering how to do this without having people take it the wrong way.  Manily because in our families we've all taken to limiting presents to the young kids.

Part of the problem we have, even wiht the reduced # of recipients, is that we usually spend so much on other people's kids. We only have one kid, and we live far away from everyone else. So we not only have to spend the money to get useless stuff for our nieces and nephews who are 3 or more to a family. We know whatever we get them will never compare to the massive high-tech toys that their other relatives give them.

It's not the time spent looking for presents that's the issue, it's the fact that we have almost no money right now, surviving on ONE salary for assistant prof in the humanities at a state university. Compounding that problem is that we feel most kids have too much stuff to begin with anyway, and are generally fixated on material things instead of what is supposed to be the spirit of Christmas.

We've thought of maybe just baking special cookies and sending a box per family. Or maybe donating a set amount to a charity we like in their name. And then notifying them of that donation. So far, we've chickened out the past 2 Christmases because we just feel they will never understand and will think we're trying to say we're better than them because we're not materialistic. So far, we've taken instead to trying to find lighter toys that won't cost so much to mail.

Even with limiting presents to about $15 worth per child, it still adds up to shelling out tons of money for the gift + postage. Then we found out recently that, even though they have to send only one present our way, some have budgeted only $5 to shell out for something for our son. Have to admit we found it kind of insulting, but we still don't have the guts to do the donation in lieu of presents thing. Even with the tsunami last year and Katrina and Kashmir this year, we still don't feel they will comprehend the good of donating to support humanitarian work instead of giving their kids useless toys they won't treasure anyway.

Our son doesn't really care one way or another about the presents he gets, all he cares about is getting something/ anything to feel connected to his relatives. His favorite present remains a handmade bead necklace (cost $0) made for him by his grandfather. We could try to do the handmade thing for the nieces and nephews but, having tried that once when we were all together for Christmas, we saw from their facial expressions that they did not appreciate it at all. They just don't have the same values that we do, which is what makes this donations vs gifts question tricky.

Anyone ever do this? Any tips? Advice?

[Ms. Q]

I come from a large family, that gets larger every year, and gift-giving becomes more expensive and stressful.

If, as you say, they don't have the same values that you do, then the donations are sure to backfire. Not only are they not "things," they will undoubtedly be to the "wrong" charities. If you do go with that, then donate to charities THEY like.

Have you suggested that the kids draw names? That way, each kid gives one other kid a gift. That's what we do. Set a reasonable limit -- which is more likely to be $5 than $15; no wonder you're broke.

If they won't go for that, then get each family a boardgame, DVD, etc. Something they can enjoy as a family; you'll at least be promoting togetherness. Or buy books. You can order them from Amazon, delivered to them, gift-wrapped.

By the way, why are you insulted that they are only "shelling out" $5 for your son? I thought material things didn't matter to you. Someone's hypocrisy is showing.

[bertha]

Thanks for the suggestions. Will talk them over with the hubby and kid. Probably best for it to be a family decision. But I wanted to just respond to the final comment you made.

> By the way, why are you insulted that they are only "shelling
> out" $5 for your son? I thought material things didn't matter
> to you. Someone's hypocrisy is showing.

The insult comes from the recent realization that, for example for my husband's sister who has 3 kids, last year we (in effect) foolishly shelled out around $75 to get them presents ($20 each plus postage). Not to mention the amount of thought that went into picking the perfect thing for each child (because we care). But then we come to realize that it was not reciprocated -- not even close. Not only in terms of the $5 cost but also in terms of the absolutely meaningless item that was chosen. Perhaps the insult would be more apparent if you knew that this family in particular makes about 3x what we do. So to us it's quite symbolic of a whole lot of other stuff, at the very least THEIR hypocrisy. That for them it would be OK to get our son just any old thing they picked up from the store without any thought as to what our son would like (if they had gotten him chocolate instead it would have meant more). But somehow they get huffy if we were to donate to the Red Cross in their name. I mean, who would be against the Red Cross??

[anon]

Bertha,

The Tightwad Gazette, which is a hilarious book of tips and interesting essays on values, has a several articles about Christmas gift giving, and weaning relatives off big splurge fests.  Basically, her advice is to start slow, perhaps with a family discussion in the Summer before the holiday seasons - not anywhere near Thanksgiving. She discusses ways to incorporate family gifts, and home made gifts, but outlines this as a multi-year process.

Best of luck!

[melba]

Rather than the donation thing, which seemed to have backfired, here are some suggestions:

1. If asked what you want for Christmas, have ready a list of practical things that you really can make use of (my list this year: pajamas, slippers--ha, that reminds me of the year my grandma asked for sweaters and ended up with a dozen!). Or at least things that you can use up, such as bubble bath (my favorite), rather than things that will clutter up your house. One gift I plan on giving this year is an e-music subscription (mp3 downloads)--a nice gift but no clutter or junk!

2. Don't be afraid to give away the gifts you receive. Give them to a charity-associated thrift store. Or re-gift if feasible.

3. Depending on your family, you might suggest that you have a single gift exchange, where each person draws one name, and just buys a present for that one person.