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[quietprof]

Hi. This is an off work topic, more just about life...

Every holiday season I receive several gifts from family and friends that I do not need, want, and have absolutely no use for. I appreciate the sentiment but hate to see resources wasted so, this year,  I sent out holiday cards earlier, a few days before Thanksgiving with a kindly worded note that asked that folks do their holiday giving to me,  in the form of a donation,  to a  non profit that I support and serve on the board. I included the donation form and envelope in the card. My mother phoned today and said she spoke with my Aunt (the queen of well meaning but unnecessary gifts) and my Aunt said she gives to her own charities and that she didn't think my note was appropriate and was very "surprised at this behavior".

I initially got the idea from a good friend who instead of registering for gifts requested donations to a multiple sclerosis charity.  She and her husband both felt they had sufficent wares and did not need additional items. Made perfect sense to me.

What do others think? Was I out of line here? Do others ever suggest donations instead of gifts?

[anony]

It may be that the message seemed to imply that the giver wouldn't have been giving to their own charities otherwise, and thus made them feel like you were seeming like the 'better' person for asking them to do so.   I really have no idea, but this is just a guess.  For future reference it might work better if you add something about how they could just add the amount of what they would spend on you to their existing planned contributions to their favorite charities.  

Sometimes people just like to do the whole holiday shopping thing.  If so, you could ask for loved ones to buy a gift for a child in lieu of gifts for you and then donate those to charity.

[Anon]

Wouldn't this question be more appropriate for Dear Abby or Peggy Post?

[quietprof]

I had not thought of that anony. I certainly didn't mean to imply that folks need to do more charitable giving.

This is what I wrote:
'
dear _,  I hope you are enjoying the holiday season.

I truly appreciate the generosity of my friends and faimly each holiday season. This year,  I would like to extend the opportunity to you to support a great organization, X.  X is a non profit that works in Y community to provide (disease) prevention and treatment programs. X does great work that I try to support and I would would be honored if you would provide any holiday gifts for me to X, in the form of a donation.

Enclosed is a donation form if you are interested.

Thank you so much and happy holidays!

[Prytania]

I understand your sentiment exactly, quietprof; however, I once tried something similar and it backfired. Folks love giving those useless gifts during the holiday.

[anon2]

Take the gifts whether you need them or not.  When you do something like request that people make donations to charities, they end up not giving you a gift OR making a donation to charity.  People just like giving gifts.

[DuhProf]

It may depend on your charity, quietprof. If it's something with a strong political slant or weird ("Cat Ladies' Little Friskies (tm) and Catnip Fund"), people might object regardless of your wishes.

[Protagoras]

Unlike weddings, where there is a long tradition of registering , gifts at the holidays are supposed to be an unsolicited sign of affection and a gesture that the person knows you well enought to pick something you like. Good intentions notwithstanding, I don't think it's ever appropriate to tell someone what to buy you unless they ask.

[quietprof]

Thanks,  sounds like a backfired idea. I won't try it again, I guess.
It's just such a shame that every year folks are wasting time and money on me. I would rather them spend on themselves, donate, anything than waste.

Also,  as far as the non profit,  it doesn't have any political leanings at all and is consistent with my background in health care.

Thanks for the opinions.

[Alas]

"Also, as far as the non profit, it doesn't have any political leanings at all and is consistent with my background in health care."

Pretty much everything to do with healthcare these days has political ramifications...the very fact of healthcare services has become politicized, it seems.

Could you be more specific & prove me wrong?  I'm sure it's possible, but when I heard "healthcare" and "no political leanings" I about spewed my drink across the keyboard.

[Another Boring Anon]

Manners-wise, you just don't get to request gifts (or donations, or no gifts, or registering for gifts) of any kind in writing.  That brides break this rule all the time by putting "registered at Tiffany's" on announcements doesn't make it any less rude.    Registering and then listing it on an announcement or invitation is telling the other person not only that you _expect_ a gift, but that you don't trust them to pick one out, or that you have certain "standards" for the cost and quality of the gift.  All of this is insulting and greedy.  

If you want this to happen, you have to spread the word informally, like asking your mother to mention it to Aunt.   It is then up to anyone who is thinking of giving you something to decide privately what they want to do with their money, including giving it to a charity of their own choice in your name.  The only other way to do it would be to mention your non-profit work as part of your warm holiday message, and slip in some reference to the organizations holiday fundraising that you are involved with and how much time you've committed to this great cause this year, while in no way implying "write the check out to..."

[Langprof]

Dear quietprof,

I really sympathyze with what you're trying to do, but I think your note hits the wrong tone.  It strikes me as very cold and more as a round about solicitation for your charity than a straightforward request to donate instead of giving a gift.  You "extended an opportunity" to them - that's a just bad, bad, BAD choice of words for what you were trying to do; it sounds exactly like a solicitation letter from a charity.  

I think it would have come across much better if you had written something longer about how fortunate you and everyone else are (it was around Thanksgiving!), mentioned all of the stress of the holidays from which we all suffer, and then said very straightforwardly that you would like to make it easier for them  to do their shopping for you by suggesting that you donate to X charity which is incredibly important to you. The incredible importance of the charity to you is the most important because that is the only thing that can make it feel like a gift in their minds.

[history grrrl]

For weddings, 25th-anniversary parties, bar mitzvahs, etc., people will often ask for contributions to a favorite nonprofit instead of gifts. But in those situations, a gift is expected in exchange for something else (an invitation to celebrate some special once-in-a-lifetime occasion). In this case, I'm afraid that the note -- while very polite -- may have come across simply as an end-of-the year fundraising solicitation.

[%sig%]

[Cara]

I suspect that it depends on who the audience is,  that grandmothers, Aunts etc. are less likely to understand than friends, colleagues etc. Many of my friends do the same thing that you did,  but aren't even as subtle as you are. They tell me flat out not to buy them anything, but if I am just itching to give a gift to donate to their cause.
You tried to do a good thing, don't feel bad about it. Throw the crap they give away, or donate it if you can. They have chosen to waste, there is nothing that you can do about that.

[Cara]

Also,  this is one of the reasons these winter holidays get on my nerves. Your struggle is one I hear of over and over again,  people receivng useless junk,  people feeling pressured to buy useless junk,  and in the end everyone pretending to enjoy the ritual. You try to do something meaningful with it and you're criticized.
Bah humbug :)