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[nameless]

A former student committed suicide a year or so after graduating. She was a good student, came to office hours and sent many emails. I did not know she had struggled with depression. Although it has been a few years now I think of her often and have recently started having nightmares where she shows up and memories of conversations we had. I don't know where this is coming from.  Has anyone else had a similar situation? What did you do? I don't think I need to go to counseling,   but I want this to stop. Thanks.

[nameless]

I should add that I did attend the funeral so I have "paid respects",  so I think that closure has occured.

[anon11]

Was the suicide around thid time of year?  The time of year might be reminding you of it.

[%sig%]

[Ms. Collegiality]

I know I am putting myself out for attack, but I consider myself skilled and educated in dream interpretation, and I'll give you my opinion.

Rarely if ever is a dream about the person it appears to be about.  Most people in dreams are actually representative of some aspect of yourself.  Major events that take place in dreams are symbolic of things you yourself are going through.  So my guess, knowing nothing about you, is that you are ending some aspect of your life, and that there is some level of stress involved.

Unfortunately, the memories evoked by dreams are all too real.  The result is that you are thinking of this student.  It's a sad memory.  I still feel sad about friends of mine that died 15 years ago.  It's okay to feel sad.  Stop and feel sad, remember her, and then move on and do the things you need to do.

[anon11]

Some believe dreams can be messages from both the "self" and other sources than the "self."

[%sig%]

[anon - but regular poster]

My brother committed suicide many years ago at about this time of the year. For a while afterward I would have dreams where he was still alive and we needed to go tell my parents that he wasn't dead. I still dream about him sometimes.

I think the trauma of having someone die in such a horrifying way affects everything about how we see the world. There is no such thing as "closure"; the suicide of someone you care about will color how you react to all sorts of things that may not seem directly related. That doesn't mean that you sit around and stew about it, but to try to pretend that the impact will ever really go away is just another form of denial.

The death of this student, and whatever you need to learn from that, may have a bearing on something that is going on in your life. (Family issues? Holiday stuff?) Or maybe not and your brain just feels like rehashing things.

But most importantly, don't give yourself a hard time if this event continues to intrude itself into your (waking or sleeping) life. It's huge. There's nothing wrong with you.

[Ms. Collegiality]

On second thought possibly you are considering returning to some behavior or aspect of your life that you thought was "dead."

[another anon regular poster]

anon - but regular poster, I am so sorry to read what you went through with regard to your brother's suicide. My family has a history of mental illness and tragic deaths (suicides, "accidents", etc.) all of which occurred near the end of November. The winter holidays have always been a sad time for me. There were years when I feared November itself.  25 years after the tragic death of a cousin who was like a sister to me, she appears in dreams as a woman my age  and we are doing all of the things we would have been able to do together had she lived. In some ways, the dreams give me some peace and a feeling that she is near. Suicide is hell on the people left behind. Again, I am so sorry about your brother.

[Chevy Prefect]

Some people find it helpful to write down the dream.  If the dream is a message from the self to the self, you will find that as you write down the dream -- or read it later -- you will be reminded of something that is relevant to understanding the dream.

Don't try to stop the dreams. Think of them as a coded message to yourself that, with patience, you can understand. The dreams will go away when you no longer need them.

[nameless]

Thank you all for your perspectives,  lots of things I had not thought of with respect to dreams.
I know that it was/is a tragedy and will not likely ever go away for her family and friends,  I just find it troubling that I only knew her in a very limited way and for a short amount of time and years later it still bothers me so much. She passed away during the winter,  perhaps that is triggering the memories.
Well, although I certainly wish she were alive and well, I hope she is at peace now...

[back again]

I had the reverse situation.  I had three teachers commit suicide in 1969, 1971, and 1979.   After the first two suicides, I changed fields, partly in response to the loss.  I was in the arts and they were important mentors for me.  Maybe they didn't realize how much they meant to their students.  I was young and didn't know how to cope with the overwhelming tragedy.  (One in high school, one in my sophomore year.)   Then the third suicide took place with a teacher when I went back to school in a new field.   I stuck it out and now have a Ph.D in the second field.  I still think about these people, but I am at peace with it now.   The impact of suicide is huge, even for people who knew the person only briefly.   These teachers were important to me.  I imagine your students are important to you, even though they are in your life a short time and then move on.  Take your loss seriously.   Pay attention to what people in this forum said about dreams, because dreams are about you, not really about the deceased.  I'm grateful for my dreams.  They helped me work things out.   They stop when you are done with them.   The person is dead, but you live on, and can grow from the experience.   Good luck.