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[worried]

When I was a postdoc I became really close with a masters student in the department. I ended up on the faculty. When she graduated she took a one year position somewhere  and then she ended up accepting a scientist position on a project in the department, that I coinvestigate.The PI,  the only tenured in the dept,  really big wig is an ass and treated her horribly. She told me not to get too into it because I am trying to climb the ladder, that she will be long gone in a year etc. So I stayed quiet about a lot of mistreatment that I saw with my own eyes. Long story somewhat shorter,  the PI screwed up on something related to IRB approval and blamed her during a meeting to save face. When the PI started to badger her, she didn't say anything at all for a while and eventually said Im not going to argue with you about this when the PI started screaming. The PI threw a stapler at her. It hit her hand on the table and she bled mildly. She sat there  for a few seconds staring at her hand and  then looked at me, then walked out and the PI did shortly after. My friend left the building and gave notice the next day. The PI sent an email to everyone who attended the meeting apologizing for her behavior and my friend told  me she called her at home that evening and left an apology on her voicemail. But what was done was done.
It has been two months since all of this has happened and my friend has not called me nor returned my calls since she left the project. It is so unlike us to not talk. I called her at her new job today and asked her what was going on. She said that she was still very hurt that I didn't defend her in that meeting and she deserved that much, but that I sat silent. She asked if I had spoken to the PI about the incident at all, which I have not and she said I should have stood up for her at that moment if at no other time. I don't think I could have said anything that would have mattered, the stapler had been thrown? I didn't know how to confront the PI given my position and I didn't want to be seen as having some sort of conflict of interest. What do you think? In any case, she said she will call when she feels better about things but that right know she is still hurt that I didn't step up for a friend. She said even if I wasnt a friend I should have done something. Thoughts?

[Prytania]

You already put your career ahead of your friendship.

[anon]

you did nothing after seeing someone throw a sharp metal object at another person?

[history anon]

Two possibilities:
1. You are a troll, or if you prefer, a Kobold!
2. You should volunteer as a research subject for invertebrate biology.

[asst_prof]

The PI's behavior was unjustifiable, and she should have been taken to task immediately regardless of her professional stature.  No one should have to endure being on the receiving end of such behavior, and a true friend would have interceded in that situation.    I agree with the poster who stated that you already put career ahead of friendship, but like you said, what's done is done.  

Hopefully, you've learned a valuable lesson from that incident.  If there's one thing I've learned, it's that relationships have to come first.  Our careers make it possible to live, but it's our relationships that make living worthwhile.

[Troll my Foot]

Who are these clowns who accuse anyone with a weirds story of being a troll? There's a lot of strange stuff going on behind the scenes, folks.

[k16]

What does 'PI' mean, anyhow?  In any case, senior tenured-up-the wazoo female professor or not, she needs to be fired.  Try this sort of thing in any other industry, and see how long she lasts.  She is lucky she is not being prosecuted.

[just a reader]

Maybe amends can still be made. Can you perhaps set the record straight in your department and speak up about the mistreatment you witnessed? It would be the honorable thing to do, and it would perhaps salvage the friendship. Tell your friend about your action, along with an apology for not doing it sooner.

[Zarkov]

k16 wrote:

> What does 'PI' mean, anyhow?  In any case, senior
> tenured-up-the wazoo female professor or not, she needs to be
> fired.  Try this sort of thing in any other industry, and see
> how long she lasts.  She is lucky she is not being prosecuted.

PI = principal investigator, the person who is in charge of a research project.

That PI should be in the slammer.

[Prytania]

The PI is probably one of my people--a bipolar roller. We love throwing things in manic moods when we are feeling especially godlike.

That said, if you want to make amends to your friend, go and apologize and admit that you behaved like a lowly worm, a woos, and you can understand why she'd never want to be friends with you again, but you've learned a lesson in cowardice, and you hope she'll give you another chance even though you don't deserve it, but you miss her a lot and her friendship.

Tell the truth. Don't sugarcoat it and grovel.

[Ms. Collegiality]

It sounds like no one who attended the meeting did anything to defend your "friend."  When something this stunning happens, sometimes it's hard to know how to react.

But your friend has been deeply wronged, and for a long time, according to your own testimony, and it sounds like the PI has been making her take it for a long time.

I would go to the appropriate administrator and do my best to start formal procedures against this PI, and not only that, I'd list the evidence of mistreatment I'd seen with my own eyes.

You have been spineless.  I know it's scary to make waves; I've made waves self-righteously and been slapped hard.  But just because it's hard and scary doesn't mean you should ignore this.  You have to sleep at night.  You have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror.  And so you have to make amends to this friend.  Start with a humble apology, and don't be surprised if she never feels the same about you.  Do the right thing.

[worried]

Thanks for your thoughts. I do know that I didn't stand up for my pal and I am sorry. I guess,  I wondered if folks in similar professional situations feel like they could have done it. Sounds like you all have more courage than I do. Hopefully nothing like this will ever happen again,  but if it does I will have the courage that time. I am in the job of a lifetime, I guess I was too worried about myself and afraid of reprisal. But it was also a bit akward, given that she had told me previously not to worry about her, that she had it under control and to watch out for myself. Also I WAS shocked, and a bit paralyzed as I think the other 3 people in the room were (1 on faculty,  2 student research assistants). No one else did anything either. She acknowledged that but said she at least expected me to follow her to make sure she was ok. She says she sat in her office for ten minutes and expected for me to come by. I did come by later in the day and that's when I figured out she left.  I think it just took me a while to get my head together. She stayed for another couple of weeks while she got her new job situated,  working from home. I did talk to her on the phone the next day and she never told me this. She says she gas gotten more upset over time, th more she thinks about it. She said her husband's first question was "what did worried do?" which I think instigated her anger.
I will apologize again and ask her what she would like for me to do. I dont think I can confront the PI,  but since no consequences have occured maybe I can help in some way.

Thanks for hearing me.

[Signs of Trolliness]

Someone named Troll My Foot has got to be a troll. The rest of these folks might be genuine, though.

Troll out the barrel, we'll have a barrel of funnnnnn....

[%sig%]

[You're Busted]

Signs of Trolliness must be the real troll--and he's trying to hide in plain side. Methinks thou protests too much about trolls, SoT, to not be one yourself.

[connecticut native]

why didn't your friend file charges?  Throwing things during a meeting?  Why are you still working for a lunatic?