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[in love]

I need advice, or maybe I just need to vent.

I got the perfect postdoc, in one of the three top departments in the country, in the lab of a great man. He is a giant in my field, a sure candidate for a Nobel prize. Still relatively young, he has already given enough fundamental contributions to fuel three brilliant careers. He is also kind and understanding, not the harsh taskmaker I feared. His lab is so exciting, lots of smart people producing world class science under the supervision of a genius. Everyone works very hard, but I like that, I am very driven, don't have family, recently split with my boyfriend.

The problem is that I fell hopelessly in love with him. I have never felt this way in my life, I can't think of anything else, I cry every night, can't sleep, I've lost weight. Whenever I am close to him I feel like my heart is going to burst, my hands shake.

He is not married, I don't know if he has a companion now; until a few months ago he was with a very beautiful woman whom I once met, but I know they split. He is a very private man, keeps is personal life carefully separated from his work. He is friendly with me, like with all of us, but has given no sign of noticing me as a woman. I have no hope.

This is killing me. What do I do now? Give up a great postdoc? I am afraid this would kill my career. All I wanted to do was to do the kind of science I am doing now; but now I can't think about anything but him. I can barely concentrate on my work; I have these experiment yielding exciting results, and don't really care anymore.

Maybe I should take a year off citing personal reasons. Please give me advice, I can't think straight.

[sidey]

I think that you try to 'get over it'.  Be professional.  However, if this seems impossible, you could try hinting at your feelings, but this might backfire.  Who knows?  Nothing chanced, nothing gained.

Or, with any luck he'll do something that turns you off him, thus making the task easier.

Tough advice, I know, but I don't think that there is a 'cure in a bottle' for this one.

[wondering]

how old is he? How old are you?

[Prytania]

There was something Goethe said about every attraction being equal, i.e. if you're attracted, then he is ,too. This doesn't mean people will act on every attraction (that would be a mess), but according to Goethe, if you are attracted to him, then he is attracted to you in equal measure.

Now, whether he would act on that attraction or not is a whole other story.

[Rina]

Hey, why are you messing with the poor woman?

[Prytania]

I'm not messing with her. It's in Goethe's book "Elective Affinities." I didn't say it was the TRUTH, I just said it was what Goethe said. It's only the truth if you believe everything Goethe says.

[Anon]

Troll.

I just don't believe the story. Sorry, in love, but your narrative sounds too much like a supermarket romance to be true.

However, if you are not a troll, forget about him and get the work done.

[friend]

Why don't you take a page from the middle school romance handbook, and have some trusted friend sound him out on whether or not he might "like" you?

[geek]

I have never read a supermarket romance novel, but I agree, this sound very trollish.

[Penthouse reply]

Post deleted by moderator.

[curious]

GROSS!

[k16]

I too must echo a comment made by several people here recently, namely that some of you seem to use the word 'troll' as if it must be true, merely because you accuse someone of being one.  Granted that there are 'trolls', even trolls often raise good issues worthy of discussion, and it is highly underwhelming, unacademic, etc., to reject discussion of a topic out of hand by a dismissive 'troll' accusation.

[scianon]

How long have you felt this way? Such intense feelings are generally not sustainable. Given the high stakes for your career, it's probably worth trying to find a way to accelerate the natural course of romantic disillusionment. (schedule meetings at the end of the day to maximize the chance his breath is awful; try to be less generous in your interpretations: is he confident? No: arrogant. etc...)

With effort, you may be able to mitigate the strength of your attraction. Or you could try to find someone more "appropriate" to be the recipient of your romantic feelings.

Still, I know it can be hard. There are a few people I see occasionally at conferences (and there were a few professors, too) who make me weak in the knees with undeniable physical chemistry. I don't want to avoid them to save myself the discomfort because I so admire their accomplishments and relish the opportunity to talk shop and learn from them -- and there is thrill and delight, too, in the discomfort. But at least for me it's a few weeks out of a year, and I can take the secret spark back to my wonderful spouse.

It's only a year or two. Try to be honest with yourself (in fact, you might just indulge (privately) your strong feelings and fantasies. Perhaps eliminating any shame you may impose on your feelings will make them less compelling). But stick with your postdoc.

[%sig%]

[Goethe???]

Translation:  I think yer a troll (auf Deutsch).

Goethe for the lovelorn?  Now I've heard it all!!

[EIN Kobold!!]

Sounds like a troll, looks lie a troll - probably is a troll!