His address, informally titled “This Is Water,” was never filmed. However, it has been circulating on the Internet for years in transcribed form, particularly after Wallace’s suicide, in September  2008. Unlike his heavily footnoted, fractal-like novels, the speech was relatively straightforward, focusing on the “capital-T Truth, with a whole lot of rhetorical niceties stripped away.”

In breaking many of the conventions of “motivational” or “inspiring” commencement speeches, it gained hundreds of thousands of devotees over time, who e-mailed transcription links to their friends, printed out copies to give to graduating relatives, and posted quotes on their social-media pages. Hard-core fans could find audio recordings of the speech on YouTube.

In the spring of 2009, Little, Brown and Company attempted to crack down on the Web-based transcripts. The company, Wallace’s publisher during his lifetime, was printing a book that capitalized on the speech’s popularity. The book, which contains only an edited version of the speech, runs 134 pages: one sentence per page.

Now there’s a new version, designed for the attention-deficited. The Glossary, a video-graphic company in California, has stripped the speech down to its main story line, of a hypothetical grocery-store trip, and runs audio of Wallace’s speech over a re-enactment of the scenario. The original audio from Kenyon clocks in around 25 minutes. Glossary’s bowdlerized version takes nine. No doubt, there’s an audience for the core message, though fans of Wallace’s real talk—about privilege, prestige, and the difficult value of a liberal-arts degree—may miss the part where he talks about bumper stickers.

Take a look at the latest version below:

THIS IS WATER – By David Foster Wallace from The Glossary on Vimeo.

Borderline Films, the partnership behind the award-winning thriller Martha Marcy May Marlene, directed The Red. All the classic tropes are in place: There’s a shivering, defenseless young woman, misbehaving electronic devices, and somebody’s eyeballs going all demon-colored.

The plot is pretty basic. Two young graduates live together in an unfancy apartment, working their first jobs after graduation. While one girl is doing well—she gets a promotion early in the video—her roommate, Kate, can’t stay on top of her debt despite having a professional job. Her parents are unsympathetic, and her boss won’t pay her for overtime.

Anxiety over the looming debt takes over Kate’s life until—well, I’ll let you watch it for yourself. Just try to make sure no one walks up to your desk at the exact moment that a door slams, because I can confirm the coffee is never coming back out of those pants, no sir.

The short horror-flick-cum-PSA is brought to you by the nonprofit group American Student Assistance. Once all the fun terrorizing is out of the way, the film directs viewers to ASA’s Web site, which features resources for young borrowers like an online loan-management tool and internship searches. Three lucky people can win a sweepstakes prize of $10,000, which could help pay off some of that debt. Though, as the video itself points out, that might cover only a fraction of some students’ loans. And if they weren’t already aware of that fact, then surely the video will make it clear. You’re not afraid enough, kids.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reports that Nancy Bruni, a Pitt graduate student, got nervous about teaching a class in March, and allegedly made bomb threats to avoid it.

A criminal complaint filed by the campus police said Ms. Bruni claimed to be anxious and depressed. She also told the police that her health insurance had ended, leaving her without medication. That anxiety forced her to search for a way to cancel the class:

[Police] wrote in the complaint that Ms. Bruni confessed to calling in the first threat. She became angry that the university did not send out an alert evacuating the building, police said, and wrote a threatening note and placed it in the women’s bathroom, where one of her students found it. That student called the campus police while two others went to notify Ms. Bruni.

When the school did not send out an emergency alert evacuating the building, some of Ms. Bruni’s students became upset and “she used this fact to cancel class,” according to the complaint.

If the phrases “University of Pittsburgh” and “bomb threat” sound familiar, that’s because the campus was shaken by a series of threats last spring. But a Pitt spokesman told the Post-Gazette that the recent incident was not related to the others. Ms. Bruni didn’t respond to the newspaper’s request for comment.

“Meowberlin” takes its “longstanding commitments to access, diversity, & inclusion” seriously: Kitties of all colors, classes, and creeds are welcome.

To win, zombie players try to “infect” or tag the humans, thereby turning them into zombies, and the humans must protect one another from being tagged. Sometimes the teams also have missions to complete. In some iterations, the tags are tracked with person-specific ID cards, and then uploaded to a Web site. In others, as soon as you get hit with a Nerf dart, you’re dead. Well, undead. A game can last days or weeks, or merely until there are no “humans” left.

In 2008, The Chronicle filmed one of the games:

The darts seem to be the problem at Napa Valley College. According to the Napa Valley Register, “the sight of students running with blasters through campus has raised concerns among some students and faculty. In the wake of recent school shootings across the U.S., gun violence has become an increasingly sensitive issue, said Benjamin Quesada, student-life coordinator at Napa Valley College.”

Several years ago, students at Bowling Green State University also lost their foam-dart privileges after some students on the campus worried that the brightly painted toy blasters might be real guns. Those players had to compromise by throwing marshmallows at one another. At Napa Valley College, they may have to settle for rolled-up socks, even though students say that would ruin the fun of the game.

Napa Valley students have started a petition asking the administration to restore their guns. They have more than 300 signatures: More students have signed in support than were playing the original game.

There are also images on the college’s Facebook page showing “rejected” versions:

We can only assume this campaign is designed to avoid a public relations debacle similar to the one over the University of California’s recent logo change. If you just set expectations really, really low, administrators may be thinking, you can get away with anything.

He will, however, give YOLO a shot. (Spoiler alert: He’s not very good at it.)

According to the Lincoln Journal Star, campus officials haven’t quite admitted that the university-produced videos are part of a recruiting effort:

“Nothing sinister,” Perlman responded to an email query. “I am just trying to be helpful. Sharing my thoughts.”

UNL Admissions Director Amber Hunter tossed the ball back to Perlman, saying admissions wasn’t “specifically behind it.”

However, students who watch these videos and think that Nebraska sounds like a fun place with a fun chancellor can also take a virtual tour, learn about the campus ID-card benefits, or go straight to the university’s admissions page.

Assuming, of course, they get the joke about the mustache and the zombie apocalypse. (We freely admit that we didn’t.)

The campaign is making the rounds on social media to both acclaim and skepticism. Our favorite comes from a Reddit user, souperman, who says,

“I enjoy these videos, but I’m just waiting for him to end one by chuckling, and then suddenly staring at the camera and saying “Oh, and we’re cutting a couple more programs and raising tuition. Sooooorry.”

According to the newspaper, Ms. Foley’s posts included quotations from essays as well as disdainful asides:

In one essay, a student had written about his “long and deep” connections to the University, citing the fact that he had been circumcised at Penn Hillel years ago.

“I look forward to engaging in the academic, social and Orthodox Jewish communities on campus,” the student wrote, according to Foley’s post.

“Stop the madness,” Foley said in response to the essay on Facebook.

In another excerpt, she quoted an essay in which an applicant had described the experience of overcoming his fear of using the bathroom outdoors while camping in the wilderness.

“Another gem,” Foley wrote of the student’s topic choice.

Surely it’s not uncommon for admissions officers, who may read thousands of such essays, to poke some gentle fun in the privacy of a cubicle or a bar booth. However, copies of Ms. Foley’s excerpts, along with her snide comments, made it as far as the College Confidential Web site, where students find and share information about institutions they may apply to.

“This loses my respect for UPenn and for the general admissions process SOOO much,” said a user quoted by the Pennsylvanian.

Shortly after copies of the posts were sent to the dean of admissions, Ms. Foley stopped working for the university, the newspaper reported, though neither she nor her supervisors have confirmed that the postings were the reason for her departure.

The university’s Office of the Provost said it was reviewing a proposed policy on the privacy of applicant data.

Ms. Thode is suing the Pennsylvania institution for $1.3-million over a C-plus she received in a graduate counseling course.

According to The Morning Call, a newspaper in Allentown, Pa., the former student argues that the C-plus derailed her dream of becoming a state-licensed counselor. That grade wasn’t high enough for her to advance to the next phase of her fieldwork requirement, and she was forced out of the program. She asserts that she was the victim of breach of contract and sexual discrimination.

Why are those grievances worth seven figures? Because, her lawyer explained, that’s the difference in her lifetime earnings if she’d become a state-licensed counselor instead of graduating with only a master’s degree in human development.

Lehigh’s lawyers told a different story. They told the judge in the case that Ms. Thode wasn’t ready to advance in the program, and “showed unprofessional behavior that included swearing in class and, on one occasion, having an outburst in which she began crying,” according to the newspaper. The university’s lawyers also said Ms. Thode demanded an apology from her instructor as well as a plan for compensating her financially.

The judge said he’d “never seen something like this,” but the newspaper reported that the case could soon be headed toward a settlement. Ms. Thode’s lawyer said he had no problem with the judge’s setting a “national precedent” in the case. Others, however, aren’t quite so sure:

Lehigh student who got a free ride sues for $1.3 million b/c of a C+ grade news.yahoo.com/lehigh-univers… My bad grades should thus be worth millions

— Joe the Patriotic (@joethepatriotic) February 12, 2013

Student sues over C+. Grade ruined her dream of being a professional counselor. Someone needs professional counseling. news.yahoo.com/lehigh-univers…

— Stephanie Lucianovic (@grubreport) February 12, 2013

Slackoisie, eh @scottgreenfield? Lehigh University student got a C+ and now seeks $1.3 million in lawsuit — news.yahoo.com/lehigh-univers…

— Leo M Mulvihill, Jr (@FishtownLawyer) February 12, 2013

Maybe I should’ve done a joint JD/PhD | Lehigh University student got a C+ and now seeks $1.3 million in lawsuit -news.yahoo.com/lehigh-univers…

— John Penniman (@TheRealPenniman) February 12, 2013

yfrog.com/moz3zqqj Duke students protest Kappa Sigma Asian themed party

— Caitlin Knute-WTVD (@CaitlinCoyner11) February 6, 2013

The fraternity’s national office then suspended the chapter over the controversy.

The party joins a long tradition of ethnically themed Greek events widely viewed as offensive, such as a “fiesta” hosted by Penn State’s Chi Omega Nu Gamma that featured handmade “Will Mow Lawn for Weed + Beer” signs, a “Compton Cook-Out” at the University of California at San Diego, and a “Pilgrims and Indians” party at Duke. About the latter, one student wrote, “The only props missing from the party were smallpox-infected blankets.”

Universities are well aware of the problems that the parties, and the resulting backlash, can cause on their campuses and in the national fraternity and sorority organizations. Some, such as Southern Methodist University, have even provided handy guides for Greek advisers and chapter heads, in an attempt to head off criticism. If only those efforts weren’t as ham-fisted as the original events.

For an example, see Page 14 of this “Party Smart” guide, which says, “Offensive party themes are not an issue of political correctness; rather, they are evident [sic] of a larger social ill.” Here are a few other excerpts:

After studying those “helpful handouts,” we have several questions: How does one subscribe to The Party Papers? What are the cool fonts they used? What is the meaning of the sentence “How about doing a philanthropy?”

If nothing else, it should be proof that university intervention can be an effective tool against a fraternity’s misdeeds. Oh, wait.