In last week’s post about what the me of the future will say about the me of today, I mentioned that I didn’t want to look back and see constant whining, complaining, and negativity in my life. When I look back at my 30s, I see a lot of that, especially in the years after my mother died. I am not proud of it, and it is something I have tried to spend this last year consciously addressing. And I have had some success with that. People have noticed a difference, and I know I certainly feel and act differently that I did a year ago.
One of the things I have been repeating to myself this past year is that I have no reason to whine and complain about many of the things I whine and complain about. As of now, I am where I want to be in life. There is nothing significant about my life that I want to change. While I know that things can change and that in a year, month, week, day, or hour I could be in a completely different position than I am now, I have to accept that much of my negativity is for naught. In looking around at my life over the past year, I have often asked, “Why aren’t I enjoying this part of my life?” Often, I could not come up with a legitimate reason.
This is not to say that complaints are never valid. In fact, I want to claim quite the opposite. There are often things in our professional and personal lives that need to change, that deserve to be seen as problems. But if we complain about everything, or most things, it becomes harder to see what truly needs to change.
That’s when I started to take a breath before letting out some whiny comment. I would ask myself if it was a truly legitimate thing to say. Most of the time, it wasn’t. Sure, I might have had a bad teaching day, but overall things were pretty good in my classes. Or, if things were not going as well overall as I would like, I knew I was doing everything I could to do a good job. Sure, I’ve spent time in some boring meetings, but is that really such a big deal? Maybe some of you have more weak meetings than I do, but I really do not have them that often. Most of the time, we get necessary things done. And when we don’t, I usually get a chance to chat with good people I don’t see that often. And sometimes they give me a nice break in the day when I don’t have to rush but can just sit back and listen.
What happens when I do get angry about something? Well, that’s it. I get angry. And in the last few months, I have gotten angry in very justifiable situations, which has helped me to change those situations. When I can’t change them, I at least make it clear why I am angry and why I think something needs to change. And I feel heard much more than I used to feel. If someone complains about everything, it becomes difficult to know when they have a point. When a person is selective about giving complaints, that person can be taken just a bit more seriously.
I feel like I am having a lot more fun this year than I was a year ago, and not much about my material world has changed. My outlook has since I have started to think more about what I should be enjoying rather than complaining about. How about you? Do you do a good job of separating what deserves a negative comment and what does not? Do you have any tips to help those of us who want to be better in this area? Let us know, as usual, in the comments!
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17 Responses to What Should You Be Enjoying About Your Life?
kerri_provost - September 16, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Thanks for writing this! Being surrounded by other people’s negativity does not help. To me, the most challenging thing is to block that out or redirect conversation so that I am not getting sucked into someone else’s whining, which often, is about nothing of consequence. I have noticed that when I am around more positive people, or at least those interested in trying to solve problems, my own mood is better, as is my productivity.
bristol64 - September 16, 2010 at 4:38 pm
@ kerri_provost: AMEN! I have become more selective regarding with whom I spend my time. Like you, I notice that my own mood and productivity are better. Now I wonder if it was the other peoples’ negativity that brought me down or if MY negativity brought them down. In any case, clearly we are better off apart.@ Nels Highberg: I’m tacking a copy of your tag line “if we complain about everything, or most things, it becomes harder to see what truly needs to change” in a place where it will provide me a ready reminder. Thank you!
v8573254 - September 16, 2010 at 5:25 pm
I appreciate your writing about this most personal, but also crucial professional, issue.
drnels - September 16, 2010 at 6:15 pm
Thanks, everyone! As you can probably suspect, I often write these entries because I have the thought but haven’t really formulated it until I sit down to write it. That line I put in bold came to me during the writing, and even I was struck by it as I typed it. I was also a little worried that I was setting myself up for a fall, that I was publishing a post about being positive, so I would end up with a crap day. But, nope. Lots of things feel into place. Trying to ride that feeling into the night.
vatican - September 16, 2010 at 6:20 pm
I used to tell a colleague who was a whiner “Change the things you can change and leave those things you can’t change alone.” Needless to say, he didn’t listen and spent mid-morning whining until mid-afternoon to any one who wanted (or polite enough) to listen. It’s a very sad way to exist. Nowadays I like to challenge people who like to whine “What do you think can be done to improve the situation?” to move away from whining to actually doing something about it. If you are not willing to do something about it when you can, stop whining!
drnels - September 16, 2010 at 9:36 pm
@vatican, the few times I’ve thought of doing that, I usually get dumbstruck looks that seem to say, “I don’t want to do anything about it! Then what would I do?” :)
duppy_conqueror - September 16, 2010 at 10:26 pm
“What Should You Be Enjoying About Your Life?” – everything! The good with the bad, the mere fact that you have it. A lot of my own whining arises (or I hope, used to arise) from a perceived need to have and express an opinion about everything. When the next urge to whine or opine strongly comes up, ask yourself, “Do I really need to even form any opinion about this right now? Does it matter?” You might be surprised to find how often the answer is “No” and the problem often solves itself.
gsiering - September 17, 2010 at 8:28 am
I gained great perspective recently when attending Homeland Security training as part of a grant project. During one communications center exercise, a first-responder seated across from me was calling mortuary teams to a scene of multiple deaths resulting from a simulated disaster. While this was only an excercise, I realized that possibility was a real part of his daily work. No matter how bad the meeting, or how misguided the administrative initiative, I will never have to call out mortuary teams as a response. Remembering that helps me avoid whining and work instead toward positive solutions.
velvis - September 17, 2010 at 8:30 am
I come from a long line of complainers…however I used to have a sign up in my 7th grade classroom: I DONT SPEAK WHINESE.I’ve started a journal of only positive things in my life. I make myself write down 5 positive things a day. Even if it’s only: Z (my daughter) gave me a “dinosaur hug.”It has literally changed my perspective on the world. I used to be a closet optimist. I have since come out – and enjoy everything a lot more.
jvputten - September 17, 2010 at 11:08 am
An article in today’s insidehighered.com titled “The Joyful Professor” also addresses this issue:http://www.insidehighered.com/advice/2010/09/17/minsker
ethnowilliams - September 17, 2010 at 11:15 am
I have so much to be grateful for. I am a tenured full time faculty member with health care (a decent HMO) and a retirement account (fluctuating, but hey, it exists!). I work with people I love and with whom I can laugh. My college is wildly progressive and a fun place to work. My daughter’s high school is only a couple of miles away. I am paid a living wage. The faculty on my campus belong to a strong, progressive union. Boring meetings? Fine. Whatever. The only thing I have to complain about is the treatment of my perfectly qualified friends in other institutions who are being strung along, year to year, in adjunct positions. Now THAT is worth complaining about.
ronn0044 - September 17, 2010 at 1:51 pm
@ Velvis – I love your list idea! I recently start a blog, and I try to write at least once a week. It’s about contributions that make our world a better place. I use it as a reflection on all the good things going on around us…even if it’s just something silly. I try to write about 1000 words per post…something that I really have to dig into and muck around in. By the end of each writing session, no matter how cranky I was at the beginning, I find myself focusing on things that really matter…instead of all the things that get under my skin.I love that all the commenters have embraced the positive and celebratory nature of this post…very fun to read what everyone has to say.
kcfeminist - September 17, 2010 at 9:57 pm
@gsiering In the last year or so, I have started to remind myself when I get stressed that no one will die if I don’t do the things I have on my to-do list. It really puts things in perspective and helps with whining.
lyndahar - September 18, 2010 at 1:01 pm
Thinking back, I was much more likely to complain about annoying but less important things (flawed bosses, challenges at work) than about real problems (cancer, death). (Not my own death, although I doubt I’ll complain about that either.)
finleyt - September 18, 2010 at 11:25 pm
Nels, I am touched by this personal and daring post and the simple question that is implicit in your writing: “Does my professional life have meaning?” Thank you.tbf
drnels - September 19, 2010 at 4:30 pm
@ethnowilliams, your point about adjuncts is right there at the foundation of this post. Some of the adjuncts I work with who need the money to survive are actually the happiest people I see regularly. Some who do not need the money and some fulltime colleagues are the ones who are the most negative.@finleyt and everyone else who has left a comment, thanks for embracing this post. I’ve been called a Pollyana more than once (and am thinking of a post on that), but it’s good to hear from some people who see things in much the same way.
lmkjohnson - September 27, 2010 at 11:15 am
I am reminded of Abraham Lincoln’s statement: “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”