Gary Olson’s recent column about improving meetings has spurred me to reveal a secret I’ve guarded carefully for 25 years of teaching.
I cannot imagine how many scores of hours I have spent sitting in meetings during those years. From faculty meetings to committee meetings to admissions panels to ad hoc advisory boards, I have spent my adult lifetime in gatherings that have happened in rooms large and small. My retinas are permanently scarred with the outline of the dead tree branches that were visible from a particular room where I sat for dozens of meetings at a former institution.
As an administrator I have a high tolerance for meetings, but there are times when I just cannot stand sitting in a chair for one second longer. When that happens in small rooms, especially in the afternoon, I unleash my secret weapon. I carefully but not too discreetly cover a fake yawn. After a few minutes, I do it again, a little less discreetly. After a while, I’ll unveil a carefully breathed yawn that includes a slight stretch. If that doesn’t work, I’ll produce a terribly obvious yawn, followed by a softly worded, “Wow, excuse me!,” mumbled under my breath. Because yawning is fairly contagious, if I can get one or two other folks to start yawning, pretty soon the entire room is yawning. It’s like watching a pot of water come to a boil if there are enough people in the room, and it makes me laugh my head off, particularly in a meeting that was ineffectively run. On some occasions, this actually has seemed to speed up the completion of the agenda.
Do you know of any stupid tricks that help to pass the time in ill-run meetings?
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31 Responses to Stupid Meeting Tricks
laurenlac - July 21, 2010 at 4:06 pm
If I feel I have no hope of improving the process or outcome, I simply amuse myself by imagining all attendees are cartoon animals. This way I absorb the content while simultaneously fending off feelings of resentment for my job. It’s hard to hold anger or feel bored when talking to an officious badger…
kathygates - July 21, 2010 at 4:12 pm
Buzzword bingo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buzzword_bingo
crankycat - July 21, 2010 at 4:13 pm
Ahhh… two words: Meeting Bingohttp://www.meetingbingo.net/
jgrantprcc - July 21, 2010 at 4:19 pm
The leader of a meeting years ago seemed to have no limit to the extent of what he had to say. Finally I said “I’m sorry, but I have to be somewhere in just a few minutes.” – and left. Where I had to be was anywhere other than in that meeting another minute!
mbelvadi - July 21, 2010 at 4:25 pm
We’ve found our meetings have become times of much higher productivity since our internal culture became very supportive of people bringing laptops, persumably to take notes and check on issues raised during the meeting, and generally be more paperless. Some of us get a lot of work done even as we split our attention as needed between the meeting and other work. Not exactly a stupid meeting trick, I guess, except the part where two or more of us in the meeting might be text-skyping each other working on a problem entirely unrelated to the meeting.
hmccowen - July 21, 2010 at 4:29 pm
My grandmother is not on any sort of electronic communications. I find boring meetings the perfect time to write her a letter, and bonus, it looks like I’m taking copious notes.
akprof - July 21, 2010 at 4:54 pm
Hey – why not be obvious – I used to bring my knitting with me – during particularly long and boring meetings, I’d get it out!!
ferrell - July 21, 2010 at 5:16 pm
Make origami boxes or swans from whatever scraps of paper you can find. Or draw up chronological lists of presidents of the US, your state’s governors, kings & queens of England, presidents of the university, popes (reverse order), etc.
eryx1959 - July 21, 2010 at 5:41 pm
Fantasizing in detail about the gruesome death(s) of the person or persons who is making the meetings last too long and be so unproductive always works (Clive Barker has nothing on me). Fortunately, I don’t doodle during meetings (even though I can draw fairly well), because that could be awkward.
22228715 - July 21, 2010 at 6:21 pm
Careful… students are experts at this from all their experiences in boring lectures. They can tell what you are doing. I’ve had more than one complaint from students about not respecting administrators or faculty who are so rude as to do other things during a meeting. True, it might be disingenuous if they surf during your lecture but complain when you surf during a meeting, but to be fair, they pay for your lecture, and you’re paid to be at the meeting.
hmlowry - July 21, 2010 at 7:00 pm
A former Dean was deemed narcoleptic by many who observed his frequent somnolence during committee meetings. Remarkably he was able to rouse and respond in socially appropriate ways when the time was right. No one to this day knows if in fact he suffered from narcolepsy or whether it was a feigned condition designed to insulate him from the drone of the debate.
11179188 - July 21, 2010 at 7:23 pm
Take a pretentious word that’s spoken, write it down, and work to make all of the smaller words you can from the component letters. Bonus–copious note taking!
princeton67 - July 21, 2010 at 9:39 pm
To add to 11179188′s suggestion: take a 16-letter polysyllabic word (add another, if necessary) and play Boggle. 4×4 square; for a challenge: 4 letters+ words only.
systeme_d_ - July 22, 2010 at 7:53 am
I make anagrams from the full names of the people at the meeting.
juneapple - July 22, 2010 at 8:19 am
Sit in a different seat. I know it sounds like a small thing but it causes everyone to shift. Then watch reactions. It is like standing backwards in an elevator but better. You can see who is territorial and during the meeting you can watch for the people who talk out of habit and those who are actually communicating with the people in the room. It is interesting to see how many people talk to the wall, window or empty chairs. As an added bonus, it does actually seem to help people stay engaged and focused-After the initial disorientation.
11182967 - July 22, 2010 at 8:34 am
We have a professor who darns his socks and does other hand sewing during long meetings. He’s the same guy who conspicuously grades papers during graduation.
thisocean - July 22, 2010 at 10:06 am
One department on our campus tends to run horrible meetings. Everyone shows up late, without an agenda, talks off-topic, and then the meeting runs over. So whenever I have to meet with them (and I only meet with them if absolutely necessary) I tell them apologetically at the beginning of the meeting that I can stay for only half an hour. At about the 20-minute mark, I remind them that I have to leave soon and ask if there’s anything else I can help with before I go. This prompts them to finally get to the point.
sanjoaquin - July 22, 2010 at 10:12 am
This saddens me. It’s not that hard to make meetings productive, and there is a lot of accessible material on how to do so. It leaves a lot more time to celebrate your successes if you are not stuck in endless meetings.
rjhskyhawk - July 22, 2010 at 10:25 am
A grood friend of mine (Professor of Psychology) actually used such time productively by learning to write with her other (left) hand — She claimed that it fostered development of the other side of her brain, while creating the illusion that she cares about the meeting content!
22122118 - July 22, 2010 at 11:07 am
Easy. Never attend a meeting without a book or journal article to read, your own article to revise or proof, or at the very least a student paper to grade. This has saved my sanity through thirty years of usually pointless and redundant meetings of all sorts. I used to bring the NY Times in to read, which drove at least one DOF crazy (he was more than half there before I began bringing the paper along). I ceased that tactic years ago, though I still know how to read the Times folded in the NY subway manner. Bottom line, never go to a meeting unprepared–with reading matter.
ls0106 - July 22, 2010 at 11:25 am
I keep a small book of crossword or other logic puzzles in my purse at all times. Its small enough to be used inconspicuously and provides hours of entertainment. The books have also saved my sanity while waiting in line at the cable company, the doctor’s office and other such locales. Thanks for the other suggestions! I like the idea of the boggle type games!
corday - July 22, 2010 at 11:30 am
A colleague/co-conspirator and I used to have an arrangement that we would discreetly give one another “the sign” when the meeting had passed its point of usefulness. The sign we passed was in the form of a “W,” an allusion to the name of the performing arts center in town. The thinking was that at the point the meeting had become unbearable, we were mentally going to a happier place, “the show at the ‘W’,” and thus transformed ourselves into spectators rather than participants.A bonus for us was that using the middle three fingers on either hand to discreetly make the “W” — we’d paste the letter on our foreheads in a way that made it look like we were just concentrating or rubbing our foreheads — was that if the situation called for it, the middle finger in the “W” could be extended, sending a whole other message.
interface - July 22, 2010 at 11:48 am
I spend my time trying to figure out why there are so many stupid, pointless meetings, and imagining what would happen if I, or someone braver, simply announced the truth: that this is a complete waste of time and why don’t we all leave and get something done?In boring lectures or during long fruitless forays into a fellow student’s posturing digressions, I’d continue to write in my notebook, but backwards, commenting on the situation. Most of my graduate-level notes have these backwards-written sections in them. I’d wonder if that’s how Leonardo got the idea.Grocery lists in French or Latin.
g8briel - July 22, 2010 at 11:55 am
When the droning starts I start developing mental plans for a giant flying aircraft carrier. I never write anything down, so I have to restart every time. Nonetheless, I’m afraid one of these days I might actually finish . . . I wasn’t actually planning on building the thing.
tracywoods - July 22, 2010 at 1:00 pm
Usually in boring meetings, I try to make lists (things to do in the office, things to do in the classroom, things to buy at the store), which is not really STUPID. However, sometimes I work on lyrics to that #1 song that’s going to make me a fortune, or put in a few more pages on that novel in my head.
mtl36 - July 22, 2010 at 1:40 pm
Kegels.
22113683 - July 22, 2010 at 2:40 pm
Some wonderful suggestions here! My personal favorite is Buzzword Bingo. (But then, buzzwords are one of my pet peeves and I enjoy thinking nasty thoughts about the administrator who’s using them! B.B. is therapeutic.) I don’t have the nerve to read a newspaper or journal in a committee meeting, although Faculty Senate meetings are sufficiently anonymous for it. When I was Secretary of the Senate, I played solitaire on my laptop, which is not very productive but kept me awake. The problem with feigning narcolepsy is that for me, it’s not feigning, and when I fall asleep I tend to snore, which is not inconspicuous.
dukecity - July 22, 2010 at 4:23 pm
I like to bring snacks. At a particular boring part of a meeting, ripping open a power bar or opening a container of fruit helps to wake up those around me and gives me a quick rush to make it to the end of the meeting.Also, if you say you have to go home to take out your dog, you gain the sympathy of others as well. Unfortunately, my dog died ten years ago.
mariemrafa - July 22, 2010 at 5:38 pm
How about instead of wasting your time trying to entertain yourself, you find a way to move the meeting along to end it sooner? It’s disturbing to see all these tricks. Just grow up and be professional. I’ve sat through enough lectures and meetings which were far from entertaining, but I didn’t disrespect the professor of the class or the professional leading the meeting with these tricks. Out of respect, I gave them my attention knowing if I’m ever in their shoes, I would want respect and attention as well.
bganley - July 22, 2010 at 6:19 pm
A friend of mine used to write dirty words in Italian.
honore - July 25, 2010 at 9:25 am
A few very useful distraction from otherwise worthless meetings…1.keep editing my letter of resignation2.insert quotes from my associate dean into the letter, such as “diversity dammit”, “i want this division to look like America”, “our white guilt will never end”, “you whites will never stop paying”.3.write a reminder to stop by the police station to pick-up a print-out of incoming phone calls to my home phone which include 3a.m. calls from my alcoholic, prescription drug-addicted associate dean calling to tell me she had just dropped her red hair dye on the bathroom floor and needed for me to stop by the 24 hour Target to buy her another bottle or to pick her up another bottle of Tanqueray Gin or Stolichnaya Vodka.4.remind myself to see my attorney that day to show him the file of hysterical obscene e-mails from said “dean”5. make note to meet banker to discuss real possibility of foreclosure if I cannot secure another job6. write note to bring dogs to humane society to put them up for adoption before I run out of food for them7. remind myself to not slap the crap out of this cretan who gets protected by the dean of the college, with whom she shares regular “intimate” momentsThese have proved to be very worthwhile activities during our staff meetings. Other staff don’t show up, leave early or edit their grocery lists. …surviving in Madison,WI