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Party Tips for Introverts

December 19, 2011, 12:27 pm

By Allison M. Vaillancourt

As we approach the final crush of holiday parties, I am watching my introverted colleagues show signs of strain. They know that it’s socially and politically important to see and be seen at these events, but many really, really just want to stay home. I am somewhere in the middle between an introvert and an extrovert, so while I’m good at working a party, certain guest combinations can suck the psychic energy out of me. In today’s post, I’ll offer a few tips for navigating the party scene.

• Ask your host if she or he needs help with set up or serving. “Working” the party can give you something important to do and an opportunity to interact with others in a natural way. If you come early to do this, your host will have time to introduce you to the first sets of guests to arrive.

• Inquire about the guest list in advance and make it your mission to introduce yourself to two people who seem interesting. It’s easy. “I’m YOUR NAME and I have always wanted to meet you.” Who could be put off by that?

• If you don’t have a partner, or your partner’s not keen on the party crowd, ask if you can bring a friend or colleague who might enjoy interacting with some of the guests.

• Stand by the bookshelf and discuss your host’s reading tastes with those around you.

• Try walking outside; there you’ll often find a fellow introvert trying to decompress from people overload.

• Hang out in the kitchen and just listen to everyone else talk.

• Volunteer to serve as the official photographer.

• Hang out with the pets and other pet people will join you for conversations that do not involve departmental politics.

What strategies have you used to make it through challenging social functions?

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  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eliana-Osborn/572634960 Eliana Osborn

    Great ideas for these functions that are very challenging for me.  Thanks.

  • jadams65

    This is also a good reminder that invitations that are extended with the best of intentions (often given by those who like receiving similar invitations) are not always received as such.  

  • jsibelius

    You’ll find other introverts when you step outside to decompress?  True, but not really the place where someone will be happy to see you.

    Where there is a lot of laughter, I draw energy from crowds.  When the atmosphere is more serious, I find social gatherings to be exhausting.  My best defense has always been to come armed with funny stories.  And Xanax.

  • gwwyo04

    I would also add that, if you’re an introvert (as I am), protect yourself. Remember that you don’t have to go to every holiday party just “to be seen.” A nice note and a gift for the host or hostess can often substitute for your presence.

  • 22108469

    Good list. Parties were always hard for me, and now that I don’t drink anymore I find that cleaning up messes, getting refills for others, and being the unofficial coat check clerk works pretty well.

  • henry_adams

    “You’ll find other introverts when you step outside
    to decompress?  True, but not really the place where someone will be happy to
    see you.”

    I disagree.  Many introverts are perfectly happy to chat with one other person, preferably another introvert.  But houses crowded with extroverts, roaring and hooting like howler monkeys and expecting all other human beings to enjoy roaring and hooting like howler monkeys?  That exhausts introverts.

    Henry Adams

  • cronicao

    Find out in advance when the party will take place and make plans to be out of town.

  • http://twitter.com/patriciasbowne Patricia S. Bowne

    These are good tips, but I question the premise. I don’t think it is either socially or politically important to be seen at holiday parties. Wiser for those of us without administrative ambitions to put that effort and time into creating our own personal social networks, that will be there for us when the job is over.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/LM-Umpierre/100003030773202 LM Umpierre

    They can be challenging but if you just go with no expectations just for the pleasure of company and looking for nothing else just to make people feel happy about themselves and you feel that you belong. My two cents.

  • lizgibbons

    Make it a game with specific tasks: I had a friend who was an introvert artist whose “game” was to sit or stand next to each person in the room and find out two interesting things about each of them. This has the added advantage of breaking the crowd, in your own mind, into manageable “bites” of a single person at a time.

    If you know someone else who is an introvert, the two of you can start together, work the room in opposite directions, and compare notes at the other side. If you’re goal-oriented, the one with the most names/facts “wins”. 

  • katyb

    I arrange to go early to help “set-up” this allows me to avoid the shock of walking into a crowd of extroverts.  It also excuses me to leave early when the party really starts rocking, without excuses!  I agree that having a few responsibilities as you meet the guests will put you and the guests at ease. Bring some flowers for the host/hostess and don’t forget to smile at the photographer!

  • 11182967

    Anyone who has had a supervisor or a president’s spouse ask where they were (or one was, if one prefers) on the night of a party missed knows there is often someone of importance taking attendance at these sorts of events (there is always a “guest book” to be signed at an event at our president’s campus home).  People who genuinely work hard to put on an event for others appreciate when their efforts are rewarded, and the sort of people for whom events are preceived as command peformances expect you to attend and be happy (and thank them profusely) whether you want to or not.  If the work of the semester isn’t over until you go to the $&*@! party then go and take Laurie’s good advice. 

  • wisensale

    These functions are challenging for me too. I am not a prude and I do not oppose drinking, but I do know that people say many meaningless things after they have a few drinks. I avoid them. I just keep asking people questions about themselves without getting too personal of course. But then I never know when to detach from people without hurting feelings and leaving them standing there alone. These functions are not all that comfortable and enjoyable for me.

  • a_vaillancourt

    wisensale, when it comes to detaching, a variation of “I know you want to talk with others” tends to work pretty well.

  • bpiercecruise

    Usually all I have to say is, “Wow! I am so glad all of that grading is finished.” Starts a great conversation every time.

  • owens

    My objective at such an event is to get a picture of someone (who ranks above me of course) doing something embarrassing.  Used effectively this method can expedite personal career goals faster than traditional methods!

  • cosmo10

    This is absolutely true for me (an introvert).

  • dank48

    If they’ve had enough to drink that they’re saying meaningless things, their feelings won’t be hurt when you leave them alone. They probably wouldn’t notice if you burst into flame.

  • htate

    How sad. I really don’t think you have to pretend to be the house help or dog walker to have a good time at a party.  And really? Eavesdropping on your drunk colleagues from the kitchen?.  Not cool. Have a drink and compliment an introvert on whatever s/he is wearing, which will probably be probably be a red sweater vest.  Before long you’ll be hooting like howler monkeys and actually having a good time.

  • dochalladay

    Honestly, one of my best strategies for overcoming my own introverted nature at the holiday party has been easy: throw the damn thing yourself. (To be fair, I derive great pleasure from cooking, baking, etc.) I do this because it allows me to have enough control of the goings-on to feel comfortable, it keeps things in my home ballpark, if you will, and I ALWAYS have something to do–filling glasses, restocking cookies, leading short tours around my home, etc. Without fail this has meant that I get the pleasure of the holiday party without the stress of feeling like the kid in the corner with no one to talk to, plus I get bonus points for being the host! Obviously not for everyone, but it’s worked wonders for me.

  • rustymuscle

    I used to hate going to parties. The idea of having to be “seen” and interact was nauseating. It’s different now as I have learned some communication strategies. Now, I am perfectly comfortable going to a party and saying nothing. People are more than happy to approach me and talk about themselves which gives me an opportunity to active listen. You will be amazed at how comfortable you are offering nonjudgmental responses to someone who will go on and on about themselves. You will also be amazed at how much people like you for….having an interest in THEM!! Try it!

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