A literature professor teaches John Donne’s infamous poem, “The Flea,” each semester and asks his undergraduates, “How many of you find this argument to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh to be effective?” The unfortunate young ladies who raise their hands or their voices in affirmation thus find themselves on his radar for what he calls “a bracing game of cat and mouse between the male and female.” As one of his colleagues observed about the habit of this libidinous professor, “Only an aging professor would use Donne as an opening line to get dates, but, unfortunately, only an emotionally needy, barely 20-year-old woman would fall for it.”
I thought of that story (which is true, of course) when I read this Tweed post about a controversy in England in which an aging professor advised his colleagues to enjoy leering at students. “Look but not touch” is, simply put, advice that is both dangerous and foolish. Anyone who has had to clean up a sexual-harassment mess can tell you this without a moment’s hesitation. Let’s not delude ourselves: Ogling is not a perk; it’s harassment, plain and simple.
Those of us who have worked in academe for any length of time have seen the senior professor who takes daily “lunches” with his prized graduate student. We’ve run into the bright young female professor at a pub laughing over drinks with a barely-of-drinking-age hunk of a male student in a tight turtleneck. We’ve had the awkward conversation at an out-of-town conference when we’ve run into a married colleague who is clearly too friendly with one of the students who has presented a paper at the same conference.
One of the unfortunate results of working in a profession that deals in ideas and ideals, though, is that one may lose the ability to consider the reality of one’s actions in the real world. Affairs, dalliances, and intrigue may produce fleeting “pleasures of the flesh,” as that professor posed the option, but their wakes leave behind broken hearts, broken careers, and even suicides. I once heard a dean offer two bits of advice to men in particular: “If she calls you by a title such as Doctor, Reverend, Senator, or even Mister, rather than by your first name, you have no business trying to date her,” and “Never date anyone you wouldn’t want your spouse to know about.” Perhaps the answer to professorial libido is twofold: a full-length mirror (to be used, preferably, while naked) and a copy of the film Fatal Attraction.
So, any advice to our readers who might wish to indulge in the “look, not touch” ethic of student relations?
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26 Responses to Looking at, but Not Touching, Dynamite
rick1952 - September 24, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Sometimes the best advice is also the most humorous, and I think that applies to the dean who sagely stated, “Never date anyone you wouldn’t want your spouse to know about.” Of course, that could apply in the present or future tense.Another wise and humorous faculty colleague once stated in reference to the temptations posed by our younger students, “Our job is to educate, not salivate!”As a dean I have always taken the stance that “…there is no fishing off the company pier.”
renprof - September 24, 2009 at 3:58 pm
My advice is that following your advice would involve the systematic blinding and gelding of every male professor on every campus. I am a female professor with a zero tolerance policy for faculty-student romantic relationships, consensual or not, but you are going over the edge.The example you gave was almost exactly the same as the advice given by the former Chair of the English Department at UW-Madison. She put forward Marvell’s “To His Coy Mistress” and suggested that young ladies not give way to any romantic blandishments less eloquent than this. (She added, “and that should make them completely safe.”) And SHE was not trying to seduce anyone. The real problem is that the professor is actually harassing students (unwanted attention, quid pro quo.)Third paragraph: two of your examples sound cliched, and furthermore, might be entirely innocent. Do the professor and his grad student talk about her project? Is the female professor with the “hunk” (your words, not mine) in a group of students from the department in a social/academic group? The married colleague with the student he’s advising is clearly wrong, but then, HE is no longer just looking, is he?I would say, personally, romantic relationship between professors and students are a bad, bad idea; I might go so far to say campuses might consider banning them. But we’ve also created an environment in which professors are terrified even to be SEEN in any kind of social setting with ANY student, ever, precisely because they are afraid of what it might look like, and that is wrong.My advice? Set up a strict no-dating policy and make sure it’s followed. And then spend less time ogling other people and their companions and engaging in prurient fantasies, and perhaps get some reading done.
luigi - September 24, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I married one of my students almost 25 years ago, and we are still happily together. Admittedly, we didn’t start dating until just after her graduation from the graduate program where I teach. I might make a distinction between dating undergrads and dating grad students who are not currently enrolled in your class. It is possible to be too prudish about these things.
luigi - September 24, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I married one of my students almost 25 years ago, and we are still happily together. Admittedly, we didn’t start dating until just after her graduation from the graduate program where I teach. I might make a distinction between dating undergrads and dating grad students who are not currently enrolled in your class. It is possible to be too prudish about these things.
22108469 - September 24, 2009 at 5:09 pm
From my perspective, the faculty member who is conscientiously doing his or her job barely has time to bathe much less date.
12094444 - September 24, 2009 at 5:42 pm
It might be wise to read what the so called aging professor actually said. In discussing the seven deadly sins of academia, the aging professor (actually a Vice Chancellor i.e President)in a satire, indicated that professors should not engage in sexual misconduct with their students. In the context of the write up, it is okay to notice that there is a beautiful lady, but don’t go any further as far as faculty student relationship is involved. The “aging” professor did not say that it is okay to stare or make rude remarks, or some other inappropriate activity. The entire article is actually quite funny. How about the one about arrogance?
skocpol - September 24, 2009 at 9:23 pm
My rules:1) Smile in passing, to everyone you recognize. Don’t leer at anyone.2) Looking briefly is OK — after all, you don’t want to violate the touching rule by running into them. Just don’t stare, or repeatedly glance furtively. 3) Don’t comment on personal appearance, except on unusual positive occasions — “Joe, you’re in a coat and tie. What’s the occasion, if I may be so bold as to ask?”. It’s more likely to be a job interview than a disciplinary hearing, but you have to allow them space not to answer.4) Avoid too private a setting. You can’t just put a matchbook in the door, as was common during opposite sex visitation hours in our youthful dorms of a certain era.5) DO NOT TOUCH!
theskeptic - September 24, 2009 at 10:41 pm
looking is not leeringlooking and enjoying is not leering
leontrout - September 25, 2009 at 1:16 am
Gene Fant rightly forbids physical relationships between faculty and students, then offers several ambiguous situations that might be read as crossing the line or might not.But he seems to think that looking and quietly appreciating are the same as acting out one’s fantasies. I haven’t heard anything so silly since I read Jimmy Carter’s statement that lust in the heart is just as bad as adultery–which I read in Playboy, a magazine I read solely for the interviews.
vanandel - September 25, 2009 at 7:16 am
Best advice I ever heard on this topic came from an in-the-trenches social worker, who said that you should never look for meat where you make your bread.
dperlmutter - September 25, 2009 at 9:27 am
A few years ago I wrote a CHE essay about “Are We Grading on the Curves?” (December 10, 2004). The effects of looking at students (and how students look) are important but rarely talked about–with good reason!http://chronicle.com/article/Are-We-Grading-on-the-Curves-/23286/davidperlmutter
mraymond - September 25, 2009 at 9:54 am
The problem here is assuming that these “relationships” are about sexual attraction or social interaction. They are about POWER. Situations in which a more powerful superior engages in what feels to him/her like consensual conduct with a subordinate are inevitably tainted by the power relationship. What feels like consent to the person in authority may seem very different to the person yielding. And it may look very different once again from some distance.
mubbs - September 25, 2009 at 10:09 am
If it jeopordizes your career, then yes, don’t look and don’t touch. But if you are a professor in his or her early thirties and there is a pretty/handsome graduate student in their late twenties–then why not? Declare your relationship, don’t supervise their dissertation, don’t grade them. But don’t be a prude! Workplace romances are perfectly acceptable because the workplace is the place where people spend the majority of their lives. I’d rather date a student (within a reasonable age bracket) and live happy, then wander around the halls with a tweed jacket trying to not look at the pleasures of the flesh in order to focus on the metaphysical pursuits of my research. As in most things, the academy is reactionary and out-of-date.
mubbs - September 25, 2009 at 10:13 am
To mraymond, yeah we all took that sexual harrasment workshop too. It’s not always about power–the 20 year old and the 40 year old, yes. But there is a lot of grey area in between those cliche examples.
brucedavis - September 25, 2009 at 11:30 am
You ask, “So, any advice to our readers who might wish to indulge in the “look, not touch” ethic of student relations?” Yes–keep your mind on your job, keep your mores intact, and always, always do the right thing.Another note: Good points are made in this essay, but in close to 40 years in higher ed as student and faculty on a number of campuses, I don’t recall ever seeing “the senior professor who takes daily ‘lunches’ with his prized graduate student,….bright young female professor at a pub laughing over drinks with a barely-of-drinking-age hunk of a male student in a tight turtleneck” or “a married colleague who is clearly too friendly with one of the students who has presented a paper at the same conference.” I don’t doubt they exist, but perhaps I am blind or naive…or maybe just have been fortunate to be surrounded by professional high-minded colleagues.
willardhall - September 25, 2009 at 11:43 am
In response to “From my perspective, the faculty member who is conscientiously doing his or her job barely has time to bathe much less date,” all I have to say “Ick.”
minnesotan - September 25, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I wonder if it’s still safe to listen to my female students. Touching is inappropriate. Looking is harassment. Smelling is creepy. Tasting is right out.
cleastman - September 25, 2009 at 4:51 pm
“Goats and monkeys.”
amador - September 25, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Errr… I’m confused. I always shake hands with students at the end of an office hour visit. Am I doing something wrong?
pjanus - September 26, 2009 at 1:07 am
As a 60+ college educator it occurs to me to suggest that my younger male (and some female) colleagues might do well to step away from the 20 something banquet table and ask yourself several essential questions: Does the potential object of your attention and affection own an X-Box and watch cartoons every Saturday morning?; Is Beer Pong part of his or her recreational regime?; Can they sing the lyrics from “I’m On A Boat?”; Do you live in a community property state?; and, perhaps most importantly, Are you adequately prepared to make a major career change while still paying off the loans from your doctoral work? The realities of life can, at times, be most painful.
patleephd - September 26, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Discretely looking is totally acceptable, so long as it is not leering or abusive. Despite university policy, I find there to be nothing wrong with dating a student provided there is no professional conflict of interest. Generally, this means they should be an “ex-student,” and therefore have no academic or professional stake in seeing you socially. As for the issue of power mentioned above, well, so long it is not abused, there is no reason why one shouldn’t use their social influence in their arsenal of attraction. After all, sex and dating is a competitive and time-consuming enterprise, wherein potential mates have to illustrate the reason for which they constitute a good choice. Social influence–especially for men–is considerably attractive to others, perhaps for unfortunate reasons. Henry Kissinger once said that “power is the ultimate aphrodisiac,” and considering the success he had in his dating life, it is likely true.
renprof - September 26, 2009 at 11:46 pm
BruceDavis, I like your attitude. I would heartily agree.I also haven’t seen the senior colleague with the grad student or the bright young female professor with the hunk. The second one sounds especially unlikely. Most of the female academics I know (most, not all) are very aware of the sacrifices they went through to get their jobs and less inclined to gamble them away for an evening of passion. I have, unfortunately, had the experience of running into a married colleague who had brought a student with him to a conference. I am assuming all was on the up and up, and I have no reason to think otherwise. He seemed rather enchanted with her, and I smiled weakly a lot and hoped it was all going to work itself out. I’m under the impression it did. I was harassed–really harassed–by a professor when I was an undergrad in the 1980s, and it has convinced me that the true predator is really rare. This man had married three undergraduates over the course of his career, and had affairs with heaven knows how many more. His office was set up like a trap, with mandatory one-on-one meetings once a week and two heavy chairs with high backs, placed so you couldn’t avoid getting your legs all entangled with his and so heavy you couldn’t slide yours back. I talked to other young women in the class, and inevitably he pushed the conversation exactly as far as he could–just enough to make the young woman he was talking to uncomfortable, and not enough to make them stalk out. He was a master manipulator. I’m convinced he knew exactly what he was doing, and got off on it. And in more than twenty years, I have never seen anything like it again. Thank goodness! He really did need to be stopped. And this is why I do not want to cry “wolf” every time I see a gray, slightly scruffy dog who looks longingly at the meat on the table.
ivorytower54 - September 28, 2009 at 4:56 pm
your dog and wold analogy really seemed to hit the nail on the head.
mkull - October 1, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Whatever happened to freedom to do as we please among consenting adults? If there is a power relationship, acknowledge it. Take personal responsibility for your actions. Why waste time trying to control the actions of others? I think these people are prudish, ignorant, disempowered, and are an embarrassment to adult women. If we feel the need to change the age of majority, that is an issue for the courts, not university policy makers.
landrumkelly - October 1, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Noticing that women can be beautiful is automatically “ogling”?If we pretend not to notice, perhaps they will simply go away.I am deeply involved with a former student. The course was “Introduction to Ethics.” I have never felt a twinge of guilt about it, nor do I intend to start now. We plan to marry.Love is where one finds it, and deans and others who have a “policy” about such things are simply delusional if they think that they can control human nature or offer simple rules for complicated realities. The author seems to be conflating quite a number of things, and I am not inclined to take the time to help him sort them out. If this article is a manifestation of his own sense of being perennially tempted, I might recommend some form of chemical castration. Barring that, he might try a similar kind of mortification of the flesh with a real knife.Cheers.
laoshi - October 2, 2009 at 10:30 am
“If she calls you by a title such as Doctor, Reverend, Senator, or even Mister, rather than by your first name, you have no business trying to date her.” That’s sound advice. Some of my colleagues allow students to address them by their first name, and consequently wind up in dangerous situations. One simply plays basketball with his students and another has recently crossed the line and begun dating a student, but not a student in any of his classes. Both of these young colleagues are playing with fire, IMHO.My students always address me as Mister, and that keeps the professional relationship clear. I always insist on this on the first day of class, because that reminds me that I have a job to do, and that job is to teach them.