How About Being Nice Before You Need Me?

Ugh, been there, done that… I would tell him that because of limited collaboration and personal interaction, I didn’t feel like I was familiar enough with his personal and professional ambitions to truly be able to understand in what role and institution he would fit best.  Perhaps pointing out that all you could do was search publicly available postings, which he could just as easily do himself while simultaneously filtering out positions in which he had no interest.  Provide suggestions or links to places to look for postings if necessary, to seem more helpful.

My advice it to look in the mirror and into your heart.

Perhaps – just perhaps – you also behaved like a snarky and sarcastic jerk.

And then, by all means, go to lunch with him and discuss his employment options. You have little to lose helping someone who asks for your help. We’re educators. We do that all the time.

You are a good person.  I would not give him the time of day or the URL for a job posting website. 

True! One must maintain good relationships both in personal and professional life! We all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.. My “Bible” was the 7-Habits of Highly Effective People! Highly doubt that there is anyone in our field who wouldn’t have read it yet! But if in case anyone hasn’t had a chance to read it then it is highly recommended…  I hope that your “friend” is not reading this post – even though you made it private / anonymous / you still made him.her look bad.. sorry my 2 cents… had to share.. 

Taylan Ty Yalniz,

I have lunch (gladly) with a lot of people who are looking for new opportunities, so I think we are safe. In my experience, people who treat others badly don’t view themselves in the same light as others do. If he happens to read this, I’m sure he will think I am talking about someone else.

Karma?

Maybe it is this guy’s karma to learn about reciprocation in relationships.  In this case, the author (Allison) shouldn’t help him at all.  By letting him down (gently and honestly), Allison becomes a great karmic teacher by allowing the guy to learn his karmic lesson.

I like jmwh7018′s response at the top of the comment section, and Allison should take his/her suggestion.

Gilda, you are such a good friend to let me know about these opportunities.  I hope one day to repay you with similar kindness.

If the author thinks that it’s important to have “chits in the bank,” I don’t understand why she doesn’t see this request as an opportunity to gain another chit.

As my Daddy always said…”Son, in this world there are givers and takers, so stay away from the takers but be a good giver.”

Your perspective isn’t unreasonable. It might be interesting, however, to see what, if any, changes occur in the individual after you help her/him. I assume your help will include advice about the importance of making friends and establishing professional relations. Your influence may be more significant than helping someone who already has social skills.

however, due to the snarky people out there, it becomes increasingly hard to have good references.

I once worked as a clerical temp for a person who couldn’t care less about me and wouldn’t give me that time of day. My career progressed, and some years later, I was filling a professional position and this person, who had apparently lost his job, applied. I wasn’t going to consider him, as he wasn’t a strong candidate, but someone in my company who knew him begged me to interview him, so I did. 

I was very kind during the interview. Afterward, I asked if he remembered me, and of course, he was clueless.  

As it turned out, I hired a much more qualified candidate than this person. But my advice to everyone is, be careful how you treat your staff. One never knows when karma will flip. 

We are all waiting for part 2 of the story!  

I am shocked at how many of those commenting want you to take out revenge on this person. Aren’t we as professionals supposed to take the highroad? Now if he was outright abusive to you when you worked with him, I would confront him about that and decline not to assist him. I might even suggest he reach out to someone else. Is going to lunch and offering a few words of encouragement too much out of your busy day? I love academia, but one think I do not like is the back biting that goes on. I am not accusing you of that, however, I hope you don’t contribute to it in the future. Take the ethical road less traveled.

I could easily be the “cranky and mean” guy. However, I am fully aware of those colleagues, past and present, whom I may have offended with my lack of friendliness. (I’m in a position where I seldom make people happy, and am often the scapegoat, so being friendly doesn’t come easily.) In this situation, I’d say Mr. Cranky and Mean is either clueless or desperate, maybe both. Give him a little help but don’t invest too much time into it. Who knows – the tides may turn, and he just might be the guy that owes YOU a favor in a few years.

It’s one thing to be cranky once in a blue moon. If Allison’s description is accurate (and I have no reason to doubt her), then this sounds like a person to assiduously avoid. This isn’t about getting “revenge”. Declining his lunch date is hardly retribution. In my opinion, this looks like a situation where he is now looking up at someone he used to look down on.

By the way, why does he need a lunch date to get links to job sites? Hasn’t he ever heard of Google?

What did Gilda say? We yearn to know.

Interesting.  I’ve heard a story from an ex-colleague who teaches law.  The student failed to turn up to most of his classes, submitted a plagiarized assignment (*gasp* did I mention law?) and did not really contribute to class discussion.  One fine day she got an email from a law firm asking for a reference :-)  Oh, she was out right honest about the student’s performance and behavior.  

How about helping him because it is the right thing to do?

Another way to look at this is to tell this person that they have burnt numerous bridges over the years due to the inconsiderate way they treat people, then help him anyway (within reason).  While it sounds like this is not a traditional mentor/mentee relationship, this person is asking to establish one in regard to the job search.  Mentors do not need to be friends, but they do need to be honest.  It is likely that this person is truly clueless and has no idea how they appear to others.  Pointing that out in a polite way may be painful, but may also be the best favor you can do for them in the end.

liked reading your post and I admit you perked my ears when I saw you bring up “edjoin” I am working in Saudi now because as a second career, I have been unable to finalize my credential, (CA), via student teaching or internship. Worked as a sub for 3 years hoping to get something but economic conditions are less than favorable now. What is the sister site for community colleges?

This is not a defense for the mean colleague. But it so happens that some people are not as socially saavy and charming as others, and are sometimes punished for that. I have a few very smart, but hard to deal with colleagues that I respect–for a good reason. I also have some extremely affable and charming colleagues, whom everyone loves, but I (for some reason) cannot stand. In the latter case, the charmers were discreetly engaged in unethical behaviors (e.g., stealing other people’s research ideas or hitting on graduate students), but never got caught. It is expected that people should be collegial in academia, but I understand that not everyone is so and that not being collegial doesn’t mean that the person is the worst scholar alive. If an academically worthy colleague is drowning professionally and asks for my help, I would give him a second chance. Why not?

How about being nice without utilitarian purposes? I have
had many colleagues over the years who act nasty to me and years later are
shocked to see that even though I am a “nice” person, I became very successful.
Unfortunately society has made some of us jaded and too many believe that if
you are nice you’re dumb or a doormat. Unfortunately jealousy and myopia are
rampant in workplace and I am still dealing with petty co-workers who try to
gossip and compete instead of focus on their work.  Too often we forget that collegiality is most
important in the workplace- you don’t have to like someone to should treat them
with basic respect. 

When I was a College Tutor and a Part College Assistant;
another Tutor in the office treated me horribly and often tried to humiliate me
in front of other students by demanding that I sit where she told me to… and
not at the secretary’s desk. This vapid person expected me to sit with students
who were waiting to be tutored and walk across the room to answer the phone.
That “so-called” Colleague/Tutor” would bark orders at me the secretaries left
us to manage the telephones. One day, I couldn’t take it anymore I walked off
the job (just for the day). I learned from then on to always put such issues in
writing.  Ten years later as a College Administrator
I came across her resume while I was part of a “Search Committee” and I never
recommended her. Quite honestly her background did not match the position
however if she were a nice or relatively decent person I would have fought for
her to get the position.

Always follow the golden rule…you just never know!

How about a little direct honesty with your colleague. “Ted, I was surprised at your request. Based on our relationship in the past, and how I felt you treated me, I really didn’t expect you would come asking me for favors.”

After the man picks himself up off the floor, gently, matter-of-factly, provide him with a few particulars. 

Consider it a teachable moment.

You may not ‘owe’ your old coworker anything other than human decency. But that includes more than merely forwarding to him leads to a new job where he may perpetuate his old wayward ways.

Give your former colleague the gift of candor and full disclosure. 

That may be the greatest, most meaningful job ‘tip’ you could ever provide him.

There is no excuse for bad manners or bad behavior. Kindness and compassion are good rules of thumb BUT one isn’t entitled to consideration if one is being a jackass.  I think it is inappropriate and unproductive to reward bad behavior. However, apologies are a way of recognizing and reflecting on one’s behavior.  All of us can redeem ourselves by a change in behavior but it has to begin with acknowledging it. Until that, consequences are the natural result.

I don’t know about the author, but I usually have work planned for my lunch hour. I bring my lunch and eat it at my desk. It’s rare that I can afford to go out for lunch, from scarcity of both time and money.

I don’t blame her at all for not wanting to disrupt her work plan to accommodate this guy. She doesn’t say that she’s not willing to respond, but people asking favors have to try not to inconvenience the giver too much.

If the editors haven’t already done this, try to get the journals included in the big aggregate databases by Proquest, EBSCO, and Ovid, which (last I checked) pay the publisher per full text article viewed.  If your content is relevant to enough students, you might find far more revenue this way than from individual subscriptions. 

“ I know online isn’t free, but it is cheaper than print ” — maybe. It’s also possible that extra IT people will have to be hired in addition to the faculty release for the editorial work. On-line publication, like on-line teaching, has often been more expensive. Furthermore, you may loose the income from project muse–which can be tens of thousands of dollars per year.