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Career Confidential

November 17, 2011, 1:22 pm

By Allison M. Vaillancourt

The other day I had lunch with a newish friend who runs a highly successful and well-respected organization. The primary topic of our lunch conversation was how much she doesn’t want to do this anymore. We discussed the impact of stepping down and returning to graduate school to try something completely different. We talked about the loss of salary, the loss of status, and the fact that she worries many of her friends are only friends because of her position. “I know people think I’m really lucky to be where I am,” she said, “but I’m so tired of the routine and I’m even more tired of not being able to talk about it.” I appreciate that she trusted me with such sensitive information and I let her know that I, too, valued the opportunity to share my own struggles with someone who I knew could be trusted to keep her mouth shut.

It is both liberating and energizing to have professional confidants in whom we can share our worries, concerns, and aspirations, but it can be hard to establish these kinds of relationships. One must reveal a fair degree of vulnerability in order to engender trust in another, and that can feel risky. The consequences of failing to open up can be quite high, however. The other day I stumbled upon HorsePigCow.com, a blog by Buyosphere CEO Tara Hunt that caught my attention. Wrote Hunt, “If nobody shares they are struggling, nobody will know anybody else is struggling. That results in a bunch of people feeling isolated and scared and like big fat losers.”

So many of us keep our fears and struggles to ourselves believing that revealing them could somehow brand us with loser status and eventually imperil our careers or reputations. Are we being savvy or just creating unnecessary isolation? Are there issues you wish you could share with others?

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  • djr46074

    I have innumerable administrative, leadership, and management challenges that I am seeking to share with confidants, largely because confidants can be wonderful sources of potential solutions to these issues.

    Professional organization or association meetings can be venues for accessing potential confidants.  These need not be formal groups.  For example, I meet monthly with my counterpart (mid-level) administrators from all over our campus.  It’s a great opportunity for us to share our successes, challenges, and frustrations and to network potential solutions.  Our group is modeled after one founded by the Deans at our institution, who use their group in an analogous manner.

  • jranelli

    no doubt that exchange can be uplifting, sharing leads to some release…however, advancement/adjustment can be impedeed by outgoing spin and incoming sympathy…facing one’s struggles mindfully and patiently is essential and impossible to manage without dedication, which may include sharing but, finally, will depend on acceptance of and engagement with them (aka stresses and fears)  rather as as elements of than intrusions on the conduct of one’s daily effort…protecting time for reflection is a good first step.  

  • arrive2__net

    I think what the article says about the helpful and healthful effects of close relationships is right, but you might be better off to look for a confidant in friends, relations, or mentors away from the office or “field of battle”. 

    If you share sensitive information about yourself with a professional peer, or fellow employee, you may find that the situation may change to your detriment.  For example, a peer in a position not competing with you winds up competing for the same promotion…or, you later have a falling out…or, one of you moves to another town or organization so you lose the personal connection…or, they ask you to help them get a job where you work, or vice versa, and then you become competitors, etc. The situation may change so that those who were once confidants, become competitors.  Another factor is how good are they at keeping confidences they already have.  If they are leaking other people’s sensitive information they may soon be leaking yours the same way. 

    Maybe you would decide to confide in a professional peer anyway, if you have enough confidence in the personal relationship, but its best to be mindful of how situations and people can change in unexpected ways.  Another option, of course, may be some kind of counseling, therapy, or self-help group if the issue is really serious. 

    No one can know perfectly the situation someone else is in, who their secret allies may be, who they owe, who they may need a favor from, or if you will knowingly or unknowingly do something that offends them. 

    Certainly, I don’t know your situation or background…but I do think it’s best to be mindful.  What can go wrong often will.

    Bart Schuster
    OnlineGraduateSchool.tripod.com
    Twitter.com/arrive2_net

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