By popular demand, I’m following up on a recent post about those shiny, happy admissions announcements. You know, the ones that sing the praises of admitted students and tout record-breaking numbers of applications.
The wave of superlatives will not relent, it seems. On Wednesday, the University of California at Los Angeles sent out a news release describing the institution as the “most popular campus in the nation,” and offering the numbers to prove it. The announcement paraphrases one administrator as saying that this year’s admitted students are “outstanding in every way.”
One might ask how someone could achieve complete outstandingness after only 17 or 18 years on this planet. You might conclude that what such students really need is a new spaceship, not four years of college.
Or you might do what I did, which was to imagine higher education in a strange, parallel universe, where up is down, bad is good, and superlatives are, well, not so superlative. What would these ubiquitous announcements look like in a Bizarro World of college admissions? Here’s a guess:
Handfuls of Passable Students Admitted to Big-Time University
Strip poker, pencil-fighting, and text-messaging champions; budding caffeine addicts and shoplifters; Red Bull guzzlers, credential polishers and frantic multi-taskers; and enough manipulators and narcissists to start a new reality show – all are among the modest number of freshman applicants admitted to Big-Time University for the fall of 2010.
They were selected from an altogether underwhelming number of applicants to Big-Time University, which remains the most unpopular campus in the nation. The university admitted nearly everyone who applied, compared to 96.5321 percent last year. The fall freshman class is expected to drive us to the brink of tears, as we mourn for the future of not only this university, but also this nation.
“As these numbers prove, Big-Time University continues to be a magnet for scoundrels and knuckleheads because of the fifth-rate education they can get here and the abundance of brain-rotting activities and navel-gazing opportunities,” said Big-Time University Chancellor X. Y. Zee. “They also have more access to video games, underground fraternity bashes, and booze-drenched tailgate parties than most continents offer.”
Zee added that Big-Time opens its doors to the worst and dimmest students, regardless of their swollen egos, turned-up collars, and inability to compose recognizable paragraphs.
“We have students of almost every stripe of underachievement, from all parts of the country and world,” he said.
Campus administrators, along with students, alumni, faculty, and staff, are now working to encourage the full-paying, but otherwise unremarkable students who were admitted to enroll in the fall quarter, before they forget about the whole “college thing.” Admitted students have until May 1 to submit multiple deposits to rival colleges for the purpose of playing us all against one another, in hopes of obtaining a better financial-aid package.
