What Would You Invent? (Part II)

Here are more suggestions — although, unlike the previous list, these are drawn from outside the office — concerning what folks would like to see invented during the next 50 years:

One of my former students suggested that he would like to be able to play new-release movies on the inside of his contact lenses. This way he would appear to be paying close attention to whatever he was meant to be doing while watching, for example, The Hangover.

A newly single friend wants a version of a meter reader that would allow her to tell whether a man is genuinely interested in having a relationship, just interested in being friends, interested in a one-night stand, or a 10-minute stand.

A neighbor wants photographs that would self-destruct once you realize just how terrible you actually look, or when the relationship ends, whichever comes first. This will happen even if the photograph is professionally framed. Not just stuff on your computer — actual photographs in books and in the houses of other people.

A successful writer in Chicago wants either a “word processing or mail program” which prevents people from sending parts of egregiously bad novels to their friends for comments (“Add screenplays,” she begged me when I told her I was mentioning her wish. “Suddenly I’m getting dozens of screenplays. Everybody now believes he or she can write the next highly acclaimed indie character study or the next blockbuster thriller. Like Hollywood or Sundance has been short on material lately…”).

“I just want clothes that won’t stain under the armpit or when you spill just a little chicken gravy on the bust line,” whimpers my friend Iris, a woman expressing modest yet universal desires.

A few others:

Nothern lights made available upon request

Administrators who remember what they promise and make good on those promises

Voice-to-text programs that actually work

Do-It-Yourself Tattoo removers

Vending machines dispensing gourmet sandwiches in addition to Snickers bars; these should be placed on every floor where faculty arrive early and stay late.

Soda that won’t kill you or make you fat

Liquor that won’t kill you, make you fat, or make you so drunk you become sentimental

Travel funds that arrive before you make the trip so that you can use the funds to travel

A way for gas (or whatever fuel we are using at that point to get vehicles to run — liquefied dryer lint, for example?) to enter the vehicle without the use of our own hands (“Gas-pump handles are the filthiest items in the world” declares Nora, a biologist).

Administrative assistants who enjoy their jobs

A suitcase that packs itself – and then unpacks and puts away your things.

Here’s an exchange over coffee:

“Self-cleaning kitty litter,” says Karen.

“How about pets that don’t pee?” suggested Heidi.

“How about babies that don’t pee?” suggested Mary, the mother of two small girls, “Or at least self-cleaning diapers.”

My husband wants to know why I haven’t mentioned anything about assuring world peace, creating empathy amongst all people, or curing disease.

“I’m talking about developing brownies that have no calories. I’m talking about desktop folders that intuit what document you’re searching for. We’re fantasizing about students who walk into class having read the newspaper, their assignment, the criticism, and your latest book. Let’s get serious here.”