Aha!
Revisionist art history rattles the way we see art. For example, when it turned out that Michelangelo didn’t really paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling while lying on his back, the way Charleton Heston did it, but rather standing up in a sort of leaning back pose, I don’t know about you, but me? Wrecked the whole damn ceiling. C’mon. Even I know anybody could paint that silly thing if given the chance to stand up. The four-year-long lying down stint was the hard part, and it was the reason I liked the ceiling in the first place. Wasn’t it yours?
Now comes the discovery (maybe, anyway) by a couple of German art historians that Van Gogh actually didn’t cut off his ear in a fit of romantic madness over a prostitute. Nope. Gauguin did it, using a sword, in a fit (or maybe in self-defense) while the two were squabbling. According to the two scholars, there are some oblique references (heck, oblique isn’t perfect, but it works for me) showing that Gauguin sliced off his pal’s ear. At that point, Van Gogh, because he adored Gauguin, covered things up by pretending he’d done it to himself, and the two of them kept this as their own little secret for the rest of their lives.
Again, I don’t know about you, but me? I’m through with Van Gogh. First of all, what about my chance to say to wannabes, “Ah, so you think you’re an artist? Well, go cut off your ear to prove it.” Second, I’m sorry, but Van Gogh is now an instant bore. Those landscapes? Those sunflowers and irises? Those self-portraits — especially the one with his head wrapped in white cloth after the ear-slicing incident? I mean, if he didn’t really cut off his ear, how do I know those swirly brush strokes he made, and those crazy colors he used, really and truly reflected the genuine romantic agony my teachers always said they reflected? What a shock this has been. The guy turns out to be a phony.
That’s not the end of art-historical disillusionment, not by a long shot. I’ve got one more revelation for you — it’s a biggie — and I’ll let you in on it here, before I release it to CNN and Artforum next week. As a resident artist in the Dora Maar House, I get to wander around the various rooms on the ground floor all on my own. Last night, in one of the parlors, I stumbled across a startling discovery—an extraordinary photograph of Pablo Picasso himself, never before seen by anyone but Dora. I quickly snapped a picture of it with my cell phone, and it’s going to forever change the way in which art historians view Picasso’s work.
This heretofore unseen photograph — hidden in the house Picasso purchased as un cadeau de rupture for Dora when he dumped her — shows Picasso holding a big fat six-shooter in his hand. But wait — that’s not the crucial part. Everyone already knows that Picasso — along with his buddy Braque — was obsessed with cowboys. No, the astonishing thing is this:
Picasso’s eyes were both located on the same side of his head. I’ve seen it for myself, and it’s an amazing sight. There they are, his two bulgy eyes stacked one on top of the other, just like in a Picasso painting. The guy wasn’t a Cubist after all. He was a realist!
Now I’m not a famous art historian or anything, but you gotta admit: Picasso’s two eyes sure do trump Van Gogh’s one ear.
