While relishing last night’s glass of merlot, I made a list of all the parties I need to sue for causing the decline in value in my TIAA-CREF retirement portfolio.
First on my list was the SEC. (It would have been great to have figured out a way for the SICA to help me out, and avoided all this lawsuit business, but for the life of me, even after a few sips of wine, I couldn’t.)
Next on my list were the CEO and CFO of TIAA-CREF. Who are these people, anyway? Do they fly private company jets? I bet the whole company is a wholly owned subsidiary of something-or-other I never heard of. And who knows whether or not they’re keeping multiple sets of books, like Bernie Madoff did?
But my philosophy has never been to go after only the big guys. I believe in going after the little guys as well — in this case, “Steve,” our TIAA-CREF campus rep. “Steve” defrauded me by giving me several pamphlets written in Aquitanian, and insisting on speaking only Aquitanian whenever we would meet — even though he knew full well I could barely speak a word of it.
I also decided to sue the designer who made the little pie charts explaining the various levels of risk in my portfolio. That slice labeled “medium risk”? It should have been bright red, not pale green.
Alas, halfway through my glass of merlot, I realized that the government isn’t about to create a victims’ fund for people who lost money in 401Ks, and I’d probably die from Cancer of Everything (caused by the fact that I’m a woman drinking a glass of wine in the evenings — please see previous post if you don’t understand this comment) before I’d see even a dime from my lawsuits. I needed to think outside the box.
And then it hit me. My departmental personnel committee. They started this whole thing by voting to recommend tenure. Without them, I’d never even have heard of TIAA-CREF. Granted, the decision was split, and figuring out the precise percentage of my loss owed by those who voted for my tenure could be a long, drawn-out process. But this isn’t strictly about money. It’s about justice. Those responsible should pay.
That means my chair. He backed my tenure. The dean was in on this too. He sealed my downfall by recommending tenure to the provost, which led to the provost recommending tenure to the president and the members of the board of trustees. They were all in on this. They’re all accomplices.
After finishing my merlot, and my list, I gazed out at the evening sky in satisfaction. I suddenly remembered that long-ago evening when I solicited advice on investing from my brother-in-law. He had whispered one word in my ear: “Diversify.” I did. It didn’t work.
I’m sorry to drag in a relative like this, but people have to be held accountable. After all, I’m the victim here.
