You’ve seen the cartoon strip and books based on the character of Sylvia, created by Nicole Hollander, right? Or — since we all know Ms. Mentor’s fabulous work and have bought her book —you’ve seen cover art created by Nicole. (I won’t called her “Hollander” and be all official because I know Nicole and it’s too weird to talk about her in academic/professional lingo without making myself burst into the most unprofessional of guffaws.)
If you haven’t yet met her, this is where you can find Sylvia.
But what I want to tell you is this: Nicole has a new book out titled Tales of Graceful Aging From the Planet Denial, published by Broadway Books.
It’s terrific and you should buy it now. I don’t get any cut of the profits, by the way, and I’m not saying this because she owes me money; I’m letting you know about this perfect collection of small and large wisdoms because it’s rare that a book deals with the lives of professional women over the age of 30 and is riotously funny.
This is not a book of cartoons, unlike My Cat’s Not Fat, He’s Just Big-Boned or The Whole Enchilada. Those are brilliant. So, just by the way, is the little book I did with her called The ABC of Vice: An Insatiable Women’s Guide, published in 2003, but I’m probably not supposed to say any more about that (so the only thing I’ll say about it is that it includes a series of Bad Girl Coupons, including permission slips for the following: “Did you buy someone the perfect present? Probably too good for them. Keep it for yourself and buy them something less expensive.”; “Today you look terrific. Buy yourself a Grande something or other. Flirt with everyone at the coffee shop. Give your number to an adorable 22-year-old, so what if he/she is not your preferred gender?”)
No, this new book is a memoir, outrageous and I suspect mostly true autobiographical musings on what it’s like to face the world as a successful, attractive, unattached woman over the age of 50.
Let’s start with the juiciest part of Planet Denial (you didn’t think I’d shorten it to Tales of Graceful Aging, did you?) which is when the narrator reconnects with her old lover in what I call “MLA sex” (more about this in a later post):
“How did my old lover come back into my life? Having become jaded with attending grammar school, high school, undergraduate and graduate reunions, he’s decided to track down some old girlfriends. I was not the first one he called. I was somewhat chagrined by this. The first old girlfriend he calls is dead, so he is thrilled when I answer the phone. We talk, we e-mail, we turn each other on. We are unable to wait for his scheduled visit, so we meet in a western town, where everyone is dressed in Nikes and shorts and I am dressed for a trip to Paris. His wife has given permission for something to happen when he visits me. She says, ‘I’ll understand if something happens when you see each other.’ Before he leaves she changes her mind and rescinds her permission. When you are the other woman no one asks you how you feel about anything. My lover comes back to me anyway, because he said he would and he has a nonrefundable ticket.”
Or perhaps you’d be intrigued by this discussion of feminist cartoonists and the depiction of sex in Japan:
“Although women are second-class citizens in Japan, and in the U.S. feminists have triumphed and we are more than equal and now we have to feel guilty about whether boys are receiving an inferior education and being treated like defective girls, Japan has many more women cartoonists than we do, and quite a few are multimillionaires.
“Of course, this is fascinating to me. But the most fascinating fact I discovered is the existence of a market for manga pornography for older women and that the Japanese have no sense of sin associated with sex. Seems that there is no heritage of Puritanism in Japan and their gods regularly fooled around.
“‘You were on a panel discussing whether shojo manga portends a heightened sense of feminism in Japan and you come back with the information that Japanese gods fooled around? And on the basis of possibly apocryphal information, you’ve bought a round-trip ticket to Japan, squandering the paltry amount of money you have saved for your retirement, because there are bars in Japan hosted by beautiful young men who are knowledgeable, available, and can be rented?’ Audrey asks.”
And now I’ll sound like those kids I hated in fourth-grade and say “Nyah, nyah—if you want to know what happens, you have to read the rest of the book yourself.” But you do.
Trust me — if you buy it for somebody else, you’ll end up keeping it for yourself and buying them something less expensive.
