Several years ago, my fellow Seattleite, the brilliant socio-sexual provocateur Dan Savage was so fed up with Rick Santorum’s hateful, hate-filled denigration of homosexuals that he conducted a contest to define the word “santorum.” He succeeded, beyond anyone’s wildest expectations. (To appreciate the magnitude of Savage’s savaging of Santorum, go ahead and Google “santorum.”)
That particular success has been so notable—and the remaining GOP presidential candidates so deplorable—that I cannot resist trying to extend what Dan started. There is no way that I or anyone else can improve upon the regnant definition of “santorum,” so I’ll leave the former senator to wallow in his well-deserved moniker. Moreover, I’m under no illusion that anything comparably brilliant or effective will emerge from the current effort, but surely Messrs Gingrich, Romney and Paul deserve their place in the muck, and as for me, well, a fella’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a blog for? Accordingly, I hereby present five possible neologistic definitions each for “gingrich,” “romney” and “ronpaul” (I arbitrarily decided to combine the Texas Congressman’s first and last names, in the interest of verbal felicity).
Feel free to vote for the definition of your choice; may the best one win. (I also have no doubt that some of the Obama-phobes out there will propose their own.)
gingrich: 1. (verb) To abandon a close associate or significant other when said person becomes inconvenient, an act not merely selfishly indifferent to the neediness of the latter but especially likely in proportion as the one being abandoned is in difficulty and/or constitutes a detriment to the abandoner’s personal advancement.
gingrich: 2. (verb) To pretend to a degree of intellectual sophistication and/or wisdom based on an advanced degree of questionable merit, often buttressed by reference to numerous books or articles most of which are shallow, repetitive and ghost-written.
gingrich: 3. (verb) To respond to legitimate criticism or questions by blaming the person who raises the issue.
gingrich: 4. (verb) To poison the well of social and political comity and then seek to profit by the ill-will thereby generated.
gingrich: 5. (noun) A significant liability to one’s political party or other social group, who, although widely despised by the better informed members, regularly emerges (or threatens to emerge) as the public face of said group, thereby threatening its prospects of wider success.
romney: 1. (noun) A bowsprit or other structure that constitutes the leading edge of a large rudderless vessel despite the fact that it is strongly disliked by the vessel’s crew, who spend most of their time unsuccessfully seeking alternatives.
romney: 2. (verb) To change social and political opinions as a function of the audience to be thereby fooled; e.g. to espouse cannibalism when talking to cannibals, vegetarianism when talking to vegetarians.
romney: 3. (noun) The simulacrum of a genuine human being, reputed to be the middle-aged version of a Ken Doll magically brought to life, or rather, a simulacrum thereof.
romney: 4. (noun) The current incarnation of Jim Hightower’s description of George H. W. Bush (via Barry Switzer), “Someone who was born on third base and who therefore thinks he must have hit a triple.”
romney: 5. (noun) A person or thing that lacks admirable or even discernible qualities, but is nonetheless taken seriously by virtue of the extraordinary inadequacy of the various competing alternatives.
ronpaul: 1. (noun) A stubborn, ornery old codger who generates a degree of grudging respect until his opinions are actually examined, whereupon he and they are seen as altogether ridiculous.
ronpaul: 2. (verb) To stake out a position that is zany and bizarre, and therefore discounted – until, by virtue of sheer obstinacy, the position and person are taken at least somewhat seriously.
ronpaul: 3. (noun) One whose insistence upon personal liberty and individualism is so intense that she refuses to breathe because such an act involves an interdependent sharing of air molecules with others, aka “socialized respiration.”
ronpaul: 4. (noun) A harmless old coot.
ronpaul: 5. (noun) A dangerous old coot.
