My Khakis Went to Harvard

Harvard has licensed its name to a clothing company to produce a line of “preppy” men’s clothing called “Harvard Yard.” Wearwolf Clothing will offer trousers starting at $195, shirts at $160 and up, and sport coats costing $495. According to Jeffrey Wolf, head of the company, the clothes have been designed to reflect Harvard’s “quality, heritage and excellence.” He added, “Harvard is the ideal—the pinnacle. When you think of modern prep, you think of New England and the Northeast. You think campus, quads, and you think Harvard.” I do? Actually, I don’t. I actually think places such as Andover and other preparatory schools from which the term “preppy” derives.

But that’s just a cavil. What about the clothes? These new Harvard duds are tres chers. My husband—who buys most of his sport jackets at thrift stores and has to be dragged by his heels to check out new clothes, even at a discount department store such as Century 21—wasn’t impressed. “A thousand dollars to dress in an assistant professor’s uniform?” he scoffed. But he admitted he was mighty impressed with the marketing gambit, which is apparently aimed at replenishing Harvard’s endowment, still the hugest in the whole universe but nevertheless a third less huge than it used to be before the crash. Other schools, he said, should jump on the licensing bandwagon. They need to expand beyond T-shirts and the like and follow Harvard’s lead to increase their own cash flows. He quickly rattled off fifteen possibilities for licensed merchandise from a variety of schools.

YALE AND PRINCETON: preppy clothes exactly like Harvard’s, offered at a slightly lower price.

USC: special wallets for parents of athletic recruits that can hold large sums of untraceable cash.

SMITH & MOUNT HOLYOKE: Since the old saying is “Smith to bed, Mt. Holyoke to wed,” thong underwear available from Smith, and high-collar, Victorian bridal gowns from Mt. Holyoke.

UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS: Disposable cell phones for applicants for admission that connect directly to his or her state legislator’s office with the push of one button.

NOTRE DAME: Vintage 1940s to 1960s replica football jerseys (sorry, their football will never be that good again).

THE U.C. SYSTEM: The Dumpster-Diving Diet Book for surviving on much, much less money.

UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS: Handcrafted leather passport cases to hold Texas passports when traveling to and from the U.S.

BRANDEIS: Postcards from the Rose Art Museum, only blank so you can fill in your own work of art.

WEST VIRGINIA UNIVERSITY: Software for printing your own M.B.A. degree.

WELLESLEY: Hillary Clinton bobble-head dolls.

THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY: Decals of “The” in a variety of fonts and colors that you can add to the college decal of your choice in order to make that school seem more important.

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX: Franchises to sell courses door-to-door, like Mary Kay or Amway, and Cadillacs with the UP logo on the door for the top salespeople.

LIBERTY UNIVERSITY: The Republican National Committee manual inside a gold-embossed Bible cover.

COLORADO: Ward Churchill ponytail scrunchies.

HARVARD: Look, have a little mercy on the place. It has so much endowment to replace that the students are no longer being given hot breakfasts, and they’re gonna need more than licensing clothing to get out of this mess. They need to move to licensed tattoos that say, “I went to Harvard”, plastered either across the forehead or just above the buttocks. It’ll save conversation time and best of all, avoid all that hinting.